This blog post represents the author’s views and should not be interpreted as professional/medical advice or endorsed by NEDA.
Undercover Struggles
Three years ago I was a college freshman in the depths of an eating disorder. If you’re reading this, chances are we share similar struggles. As cliché as it sounds, you are not alone — that’s the truth. Many people quietly walk college campuses worldwide while battling eating disorders. My hope for you is that this blog will bring some light to your darkened days.
Losing a Sense of Control
I started off my college career at a community college. I had always enjoyed school and learning, but once I left high school my friends and I all went to separate schools. I had a lot on my mind. I was worried if my friends and I would stay close, would I find my classes okay, and if I could keep up my grades all while struggling with anxiety, OCD, and depression. When I felt like I was no longer capable of coping with the overwhelm, I turned to what I could control: food.
Reaching Out to a Counselor and What Counseling Gave Me
Right away, I reached out to my counselor to seek professional care. Thankfully, I got right on her schedule. It was helpful to have a professional who saw and heard me along with my feelings. I first learned that eating disorder behaviors are meeting a need. In order to learn how I could meet those needs in a healthy manner I first needed to identify what those needs were. For example, I felt like I lacked control over my life. My counselor then asked me “What if you put as much energy and control into school as you have the eating disorder?” She knows my education is very important to me. Therefore, I worked hard to redirect my thinking and choices to “What is the next best step for me?” It is going to be important that you don’t try to do this alone.
The Illusion vs. Reality
The sense of control I believed I was receiving only left me stuck in a vicious cycle. Maybe it felt helpful at first, but over time it became consuming, isolating, and unhealthy. I canceled plans, such as brunch with my friends because it revolved around food. I lost the majority of my energy. Therefore, it made it hard to do what I love, including nannying, paddleboarding, and hiking. My world quickly became smaller and empty. It made college life hard because I felt so disconnected from myself and others.
The Importance of Identifying Goals and Values
It is so important that you take time for yourself and with yourself. You need to be your first priority in your life and everything else will fall into place. Make time to create goals, such as getting an education, spending more time with friends and family, being healthy, healing, or a career just to name a few.
Personally, I made sure I set time aside to meet up with friends or read throughout my week. This helped me have a balanced life which added so much joy to my week.
Also, think about your values like honesty, faith, health and wellness, growth, balance, or connection. Honesty has always been important to me. I am honest with myself and my care team. My counselor can’t help me with what she does not know. Secondly, growth is a value of mine. Everyday I like to set intentions no matter how big or small. Some days it is making my bed or vacuuming my room. Other days it gets fresh air outside. These help me to feel my best which allows me to show up for myself and others. Keep this in the center of your mind and turn to them when you need alignment.
The Turning Point
I spent my first few years of college in and out of school because I was also in and out of treatment facilities for my mental health, which kept me from moving forward, healing, and what I loved most. With the help of my counselor I started to learn that I cannot have the life I want and the eating disorder.
A Hopeful Closing
You are not alone in these struggles and healing is not linear, but what matters most is being consistent in healthy ways. Like I said, seeking help is important. Making sure you are showing up to your appointments consistently is a huge step and shows how much strength you have within you. I know attending all my psychiatry and counseling sessions was difficult, but the more I showed up I took more positive steps.
Connecting your goals, values, and treatment can lead you to a life full of healing and joy. When I turned to my eating disorder for something to keep me busy, control, or to find love for myself I was left unable to meet those standards like it promised me it would fulfill. I decided to shift my energy and effort into school since that is a goal of mine or listing the characteristics of my friends and turning inward to see that I have many of those as well.
My friends are so kind and supportive and I know I am always spreading kindness to them by sharing a smile or wishing them a great day and supporting them throughout life too. I believe my friends deserve joy and good health, which means I do too without any exceptions! You know what? That means you do too!
If you too had to step away from school to get the help you need, that doesn’t mean you’re falling behind. It just means you’re on a little detour and can get right back on track to accomplish your goals, but you can only do so if you are healthy. Healing will always be so worth it, I promise you.
Resources
Think you may have an eating disorder? Take our confidential screening test
Looking for eating disorders treatment? Find providers in your area or online.
Are finances preventing you from seeking support? Learn about free and low cost support options
Find resources for navigating eating disorder recovery this school season on our Back to School page.
