This blog post represents the author’s views and should not be interpreted as professional/medical advice or endorsed by NEDA.
Recovery isn’t Geometric
It’s not a linear function with time defining the x-axis while progress lines the y-axis. Your recovery isn’t always similar to someone else’s like two triangles may be. Recovering from anorexia or any eating disorder is not solving an algebraic equation for x.
Coming from a girl who loves the logic and strategy of things, I have grown frustrated at times that I cannot figure out recovery. I can’t plug in time for x and expect for the output of recovery to be getting easier over time. Moreover, while I love perfection, I began to realize that I wouldn’t derive perfection from starving myself; I’d derive chaos.
The Key: Comparison is the Thief of Joy
Witnessing someone else’s recovery journey on social media may not be helpful, because there always could be a part of your mind wondering why you don’t recover if you put in the same time and efforts as they do. Everyone’s journey to recovery is specific to themselves and other factors that may be impacting them; that right there is the key.
The Winding Road of Recovery
When I started recovery, the journey felt like a long winding road with forks. I had assumed that recovery would be a couple months where I worked to restore myself physically and mentally day by day. Having the idea that things would get easier day by day and that I wouldn’t be exposed to any difficulties was a premature assumption.
At first, I resented my family for getting me help. I felt as though I had been “caught” and was being punished for my actions. It felt unnatural. I stayed awake most nights just trying to figure out what was wrong with me. My medical record read “Anorexia Nervosa” in big bold letters, but I felt like I was faking it. I saw each weekly orthopedic visit, each mineral supplement, and each lecture received from my family as a form of punishment.
I couldn’t make sense of anything yet it was paradoxical, being as I was logic oriented. Anorexia was a drug that seduced me with the illusion that happiness could be achieved by engaging in extremely harmful habits to keep myself thin. It became a puppeteer that manipulated the strings of my self image, utterly distorting the world around me. Similar to a drug, as you let it consume you, what satisfies you at first will no longer suffice further down the road. More and more is required for you to get that same dopamine hit you crave. No matter what, you’ll do anything to achieve it.
Separating Mental and Physical Recovery
What grew to help me overcome this mental blockage I had at the beginning of recovery, was separating mental and physical recovery. Commonly with eating disorders, I believe the topic of weight can be a driving factor in falling back into disordered habits. Yes, you can be weight-restored, but ask yourself: do I trust myself to quit engaging in eating disorder behaviors and thoughts?
Many believe that once you gain weight, you’re automatically recovered. When I was a few months into my recovery and was gaining weight at a rate which I assumed to be rapid, I didn’t know what to do with myself. My family was happy to see that I was healthy physically, but that just may have been the worst era for me mentally.
Finding Balance in Recovery
I lost sight of myself, not knowing who I was or what I looked like. It’s important to find a balance. Recovering physically is crucial. Care begins with medical stabilization, to bring yourself to a healthy state in which your heart isn’t working too hard to support you or your bones become weak due to the lack of nutrients you have. That being said, it’s absolutely fundamental to work on healing your mind and heart in addition to recovering physically.
When I was struggling with Anorexia, I was extremely irritable. I’d lash out at my loved ones, I lost interest in my hobbies and school, and overall found myself to be quite negative. On the road to recovery, I made it a point to begin healing my mind in addition to my body because once your mind is in the right place, you can have a positive outlook on recovery. Working on my mental health helped motivate me to recover.
Reclaiming Life One Day at a Time
It’s important to note that Anorexia affects people of all genders. However, it is more prevalent in women than in men. I’ve seen some of my dear friends falling into the spiral of an eating disorder as well. I believe it’s especially tragic to see so many talented, young women develop this disease. At my age, I should be focusing on going to dinners with my friends, going to sports games at my high-school, and going on joy-rides with my loved ones.
I blame anorexia for robbing some of these core memories from me, but it will not be the reason I never experience a healthy, well-balanced lifestyle. Your journey is in your hands. Even if a day is challenging, you need to push yourself to focus on what matters most instead of giving in to the harmful thoughts of an eating disorder. Go out, buy that dinner with your friends, have fun.
Resisting Diet Culture and Growing in Recovery
It may be hard to imagine yourself living this healthy lifestyle that I describe with diet culture being so prevalent in today’s society. Unfortunately, diet culture is all around us. It’s in the cafeteria at school when people denounce certain foods to be “bad”. It’s on social media where people envy someone else’s body rather than love their own. It can even be in your close circle, where certain comments that rush past someone else can get caught in your head.
But, in order to grow, diet culture must be shut out. Start teaching those who may have fallen victim to diet culture about how what they may say could potentially be harmful; advocate for yourself. Finally, love yourself. Be forever thankful to have a body, one that functions, one that pumps blood to your heart. You don’t need to look the same way as someone on the internet; you’re beautiful how you are.
It’s confusing to learn to love yourself in different ways. I previously thought I loved myself because of a number I saw on a scale, but that was deceitful. I love myself when I learn how to take care of myself and give myself the necessary fuel I need to thrive; you should too.
Discovering What Recovery is Worth to Me
The feeling of confusion I have felt at some points in my recovery journey has been immense. It feels as though your brain has turned into a labyrinth and you’re trying to escape the maze. But remember, you’re not stuck in the maze with no clues or light. You need to let your friends, family, doctors, teachers, everyone you trust in.
When I realized how I was breaking the hearts of my loved ones, losing passion in what I’ve always loved to do, and performing badly in school, I realized how worth it recovery was. I started to finally want to recover not just for those around me, but also for me. I want you to ask yourself, what will make me happy?
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Laila is a high school junior who writes about her journey to recover from Anorexia Nervosa. She hopes that she can give tips on recovery for those who may have difficulties navigating recovery while being students or for those who struggle to challenge themselves to overcome negative thoughts they may be having. LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/laila-wahab-023ab6289
