This blog post represents the author’s views and should not be interpreted as professional/medical advice or endorsed by NEDA.
“Brave people do things before they are ready.” That quote has stuck with me since I began treatment 7 years ago. Taking the first step towards recovery is one of the hardest thing someone can do. But in the end, it is the best decision you could ever make.
I try not to regret things in my life, and rather view my mistakes as redirection. However, the one thing I do regret is not getting help sooner. I was scared, ashamed and in denial. These emotions ended up consuming me when I could have used them as motivation to heal. Instead, I had to deal with consequences that would go on to completely change the course of my life.
Photo From Vecteezy
Postponing Recovery: A Perfect Day Will Never Come
When I was in the depths of my eating disorder, trying so desperately to recover, I would say to myself, “I’ll start tomorrow..Next monday..Next month.” Until the day finally came and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was waiting for a moment that would never come, because my eating disorder would always seem to find an excuse.
The need to postpone my recovery stemmed from my perfectionism. And that perfectionism came from the desire to please everyone at the expense of my own feelings. I told myself that if I was going to recover, I had to do it “perfectly”. I was so focused on how others would judge my recovery, I had forgotten the reasons I truly wanted to recover in the first place.
If I had gotten help sooner maybe I would have been able to attend my dream college without having to come home after 4 months. Or maybe I wouldn’t have done such immense damage to the body that has kept me alive and breathing throughout the past 21 years. I chose to recover so that I could one day do all the things my eating disorder prevented me from doing. I chose recovery for myself.
Recovery is a Choice
Though treatment is an integral part of recovery, it comes down to you. Even the smallest of changes can make the greatest impact. Healing is not linear but it is important to keep trying, even on days it feels impossible.
It may not be the case for everyone, but as a society, we are pressured to cater to everyone else’s needs but our own. There is a hidden pressure to recover the “right” way at the right time. I chose to recover so that I could live a life I enjoyed. Once I realized that, the time to recover became that very second.
For years I had tried to recover, waiting for the right moment. I was truly able to recover once I realized that I had to do it for myself. If you are reading this and unsure whether to get help I can promise you that you would not be reading this if you didn’t need help. Seeking help won’t be the end of the world, but letting your eating disorder control your life will be.
Photo From iStock
This Is Your Sign: Recover for You
Recover for yourself, and for the child still inside of you who dreamt of living an extraordinary life. It’s not too late as long as you are here and trying. I may not be able to change what happened to me, but you can change what you do from here. Because I am telling you right now that this is your sign.
Do not listen to any excuse your eating disorder gives you. It only take a few minutes to get screened through NEDA’s online screening tool, but it will take years to recover the longer you wait. No matter who you are or what you have gone through, you are worthy of recovery.
For so long, I was convinced that I would never recover. But I can attest to the fact that if you want recovery, you can achieve it. I promise. Just keep going and be kind yourself. I am proud of you for being here.
Resources
Eilis Magnier is a freshman in nursing school and aspires to be a nurse so that she can give others care and support when they feel alone or scared, just as she was. She hopes to use her story to inspire others and advocate for more awareness surrounding eating disorders. Linkedin- Eilis Magnier.
