Stories of Hope
Sanity
By Heather Hower
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I had Anorexia Nervosa for twenty three years, and have been in recovery for almost four years. When I woke up on the day of my "new reality," I knew that I could not continue on the path of listening to "ED (Eating Disorder)," as it had been a roller coaster of restriction, over-exercise, and emotional turmoil with those who loved me. At times when I would allow myself to eat (e.g., holidays, vacations), I would feel horrible after, and ED would tell me to "cathartically cleanse (go back to restricting)" as soon as I returned home. My life was ruled by the scale, a main tool of ED, and I thought that the lower I weighed, the more in control of my life I would be. I also looked at myself in the mirror a lot (my husband called it EMT; Excessive Mirror Time) to check my body parts. There were times when I was starving, sick, injured, and in danger of seriously damaging my relationships, but ED yelled at me to keep going, saying "How bad do you want it (to be thin)?" The answer was of course "bad," in every sense of the word. ED promised that if I followed his rules, I would be happy, but I realized that morning that I was miserable, and I would be for the rest of my life if I didn't change anything.
The "essential me" knew that I needed to save myself (from ED). Working with my doctor, therapist, and nutritionist (my professional "support bench"), I learned how to hydrate and fuel my body, growing to trust it would tell me when I was hungry and full, and that it would make up for my mistakes. I had a lot of momentum in my recovery at first, and then I realized that I needed to maintain a pace that was sustainable (life is a marathon, not a sprint). There were times that I felt like I was on the cusp of giving up, but I pushed through, and the reward was that I became healthier and happier. I am in recovery for my loved ones (especially my husband), but most importantly I am in recovery for ME. There are many benefits to living without ED, but the driving one for me is a sense of sanity (it is priceless). I am seeking a balance; not too little or too much of anything, and when I am there, I am in my "sweet spot." Throughout recovery I have been further discovering my identity, the things that make me happy; I am really excited about continuing to move away from ED, and focusing on the "essential me."
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I had Anorexia Nervosa for twenty three years, and have been in recovery for almost four years. When I woke up on the day of my "new reality," I knew that I could not continue on the path of listening to "ED (Eating Disorder)," as it had been a roller coaster of restriction, over-exercise, and emotional turmoil with those who loved me. At times when I would allow myself to eat (e.g., holidays, vacations), I would feel horrible after, and ED would tell me to "cathartically cleanse (go back to restricting)" as soon as I returned home. My life was ruled by the scale, a main tool of ED, and I thought that the lower I weighed, the more in control of my life I would be. I also looked at myself in the mirror a lot (my husband called it EMT; Excessive Mirror Time) to check my body parts. There were times when I was starving, sick, injured, and in danger of seriously damaging my relationships, but ED yelled at me to keep going, saying "How bad do you want it (to be thin)?" The answer was of course "bad," in every sense of the word. ED promised that if I followed his rules, I would be happy, but I realized that morning that I was miserable, and I would be for the rest of my life if I didn't change anything.
The "essential me" knew that I needed to save myself (from ED). Working with my doctor, therapist, and nutritionist (my professional "support bench"), I learned how to hydrate and fuel my body, growing to trust it would tell me when I was hungry and full, and that it would make up for my mistakes. I had a lot of momentum in my recovery at first, and then I realized that I needed to maintain a pace that was sustainable (life is a marathon, not a sprint). There were times that I felt like I was on the cusp of giving up, but I pushed through, and the reward was that I became healthier and happier. I am in recovery for my loved ones (especially my husband), but most importantly I am in recovery for ME. There are many benefits to living without ED, but the driving one for me is a sense of sanity (it is priceless). I am seeking a balance; not too little or too much of anything, and when I am there, I am in my "sweet spot." Throughout recovery I have been further discovering my identity, the things that make me happy; I am really excited about continuing to move away from ED, and focusing on the "essential me."
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