This blog post represents the author’s views and should not be interpreted as professional/medical advice or endorsed by NEDA.
I am a mother of a teen with ARFID.
Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.
ARFID is a complex condition that can make food feel unsafe, overwhelming, or seemingly impossible to eat.
This baffles people. They just don’t understand how it could be possible, responding with the typical “well, let him stay at my house for a week and he’ll be cured” type of attitude.
Those with ARFID are not the problem.
The problems are preconceived notions on what a relationship with food should look like. I believe that most people are simply reacting out of fear, not for lack of love. They WANT to be supportive – the trick is to help them understand what that looks like.
To friends, family, doctors or anyone who doesn’t understand:
Most people don’t like spiders – but there’s a big difference between “I don’t like spiders” and “I am absolutely terrified of spiders.”
Imagine I put a box of tarantulas in front of you with $100 at the bottom. If you just don’t like spiders, you might hesitate. With enough encouragement and motivation, you could probably do it.
But if you have a real, debilitating fear of spiders, there is literally nothing I could say that would make you willingly stick your hand in that box. I could put $500 at the bottom and it still wouldn’t matter.
This isn’t about logic.
Even if I promised they wouldn’t hurt you.
Even if I stuck my own hand in first.
Your body would still be in panic mode.
That is ARFID.
There are people — like my son — who would rather starve than eat. Not because they want to, but because, to them, that food is unsafe.
ARFID is not picky eating or stubbornness. It is an involuntary reaction, not a conscious decision. We don’t know why it happens. What we do know is that no one with ARFID is choosing to have it.
ARFID can make food feel exactly like that box of spiders. Every meal can potentially be that box.
Even foods they used to eat can suddenly become unsafe if something changes — the packaging, the brand, the texture, the smell. That’s how it works. Once a food becomes unsafe, their nervous system registers it as danger.
Trying to force someone with ARFID to eat food is like forcing someone to put their hand in that spider box. Even if you manage to make them do it, not only are they traumatized — you’ve now broken the trust between the two of you.
The result is that the food is still unsafe, but now so are you. That part matters more than people realize. Someone with ARFID relies on having at least one safe person in the world, because to them, the whole world can feel like a spider box. This isn’t a free pass to never talk about food or growth. My job, as a parent, a support person, and an ally, is to create a safe environment where growth is possible.
Real exposure and exploration are not about forcing someone to eat unsafe food. They are about helping them feel safe enough to eat. This process takes time, patience, and trust, and is best guided by specialized, trauma-informed professionals with expertise in ARFID.
ARFID is a complex condition that often presents alongside other co-occurring challenges. Seeking care from a multidisciplinary team — such as a medical provider, dietitian, and mental health professional — helps ensure the whole person is supported, not just the eating behaviors.
With compassionate care and emotional safety, meaningful progress and healing can begin.
To those with ARFID:
You, the person with ARFID, need to be in the driver’s seat.
You decide what feels safe,
You decide when to try things,
You decide how far you want to go.
My job as a support person is to ride “shotgun.” I’m not in the back pretending it’s not happening. I’m not grabbing the wheel.
Riding shotgun means I’m present and paying attention. I’m helping you navigate and offering options. I’m reminding you that you’re safe, even when you feel lost. I’m here for the big wins and the tiny ones. Sometimes we’re just going to be parked in a parking lot for a while while you figure out what you want to do — and that’s okay. (No rush – I brought the Goldfish!)
But I don’t drive. The second I grab the wheel, the trust is gone.
Without trust, there’s no progress.
I don’t need to know how long it will take.
Because, honestly, I’d rather ride shotgun with you driving forever rather than have you not in the car at all.
This is your journey.
The most important things others can do to help is believe you, respect your boundaries, and be a safe person.
-Mom of a teen with ARFID
Resources
Think you or your loved one may have an eating disorder? Take or share our confidential screening test
Looking for eating disorders treatment for ARFID? Find providers in your area or online.
Are finances preventing you from seeking support? Learn about free and low cost support options
Shawna Renee is a mother of a teen with ARFID who writes to increase understanding and advocate for trauma-informed, compassionate care. You can find her on Facebook here.
