National Eating Disorders Association

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i hate therapy and i hate doctors

Most of the time, I want to be sicker and I want my eating disorder to be worse. But sometimes I see what I am doing and I realize it won't last forever and I'm ruining my life. I decide I want to change and get better. And for the most part I've made progress, I eat relatively normally, my weight fluctuates but much less so. But my depression and anxiety are still so bad that I wish I could fade away. Commit slow, silent suicide. I know I have other problems but I can't bring myself to work on them. I was in therapy for six months but I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere and I quit. My therapist was 24 and brand new (I was her first client) and I'm still not sure if she wasn't experienced enough for me, or it was my lack of effort that hindered me. I started with an eating disorder dietician but I hate that, too. In order to use her services, I have to want to abandon my ED, and I don't want to. She also said something along the lines of "It seems like you know everything you need to do" which I have done some serious overthinking on. If I know everything, then why do I need her? My parents are paying for my therapy, but I'm an adult so I have to make my own decisions but they're heavily influenced. My mom says I need to stick with nutrition therapy before I quit again, but at the same time, was very frustrated a few months ago when I wasn't magically normal after a month or two of talk therapy. I'm stuck because I don't have anyone to talk to and the eating disorder just makes me feel less alone, but I can't or won't seek out help because it went poorly the first time. I recognize I have privilege to even have this problem, I know other people have to recover by themselves because they have no other option. Is it possible to recover by yourself, even if you aren't completely motivated? I am stuck right now.

Hi Kcporter6

Hi Kcporter6! It's great that you are posting and reaching out. We care about you and your recovery because it is possible. If you need to reach out to someone, NEDA is here! You can call 800-931- 2237 or chat,  to discuss support options. Helpline phone hours are Monday-Thursday 11am-9pm ET, Friday 11am-5pm ET. Helpline chat hours are Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm ET, Friday 9am-5pm ET. We’d like to encourage you to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, which can be reached at 1-800- 273- TALK (8255). If you feel you are in crisis, you can also text “NEDA” to 741-741. Your well-being matters, and we hope you stay safe and take care.