National Eating Disorders Association

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Sabina
Wanting to be healthy but not too healthy?

Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting, because honestly I am so sick of my eating disorder and find it hard to discuss with people close to me.
Over a year ago now I started to get help for my ED, and was diagnosed with purging anorexia. I always found it that much more to improve as I was so scared of eating because I wanted to lose weight, and then when I would eat I would just feel an overwhelming guilt and purge.
I am now at a 'healthy weight', which to me feels like I am so heavy. A big reason why I was able to put on weight was because I started living with my boyfriend, and I have always tried really hard to keep my ED from people, to the point that I would eat normally when around him so he wouldn't know how unwell I was.
Anyhow, this was very important as I was extremely unwell and needed to start eating. However now, I still live with him, but whenever I am alone I freak out as I feel so fat now, and I end up trying to not eat, and then when I eat I purge - or sometimes I eat to purge. He confronted me about it today when he got home as he thought I had purged, I of course denied it but it has just sent me into a mental spiral.
I want to get better, and I know I needed to put on weight but also now I feel like I'm too much of healthy weight for me to be comfortable with. I strongly want to lose weight but as I am with my boyfriend it makes it difficult for me to restrict.
Just really wanting to know if anyone has known they want to get better, but their ED tells them they need to be skinner, and how to get over feeling so guilty for not being skinny?

Thanks everyone :)

whitneyaleksic
Yes and I’m positive most

Yes and I’m positive most people with eating disorders feel this way when it comes to part of you wanting to recover and the ED voice telling you just a few more pounds. Recovery is a choice you have to make. It’s hard but possible!