National Eating Disorders Association

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i dont know what to do

im 22 and i have been suffering from body image issues and disordered eating since i was a young teen. from anorexia to binge eating and back and forth with very little instances of normalcy. all the while with disordered thoughts. there is no rest from my tainted brain and the pathways i've created.

anyway, my current issue is this: i have no idea what to do with myself. i can't simply 'be normal' and stop thinking about my weight and what and how i eat even though thats probably the best thing i could do for me. i feel so out of control when i try to 'let go'. i end up gaining weight and feeling worse. in my opinion, i do not need to gain weight. (sorry about body talk, i dont know the etiquette here) i am a normal BMI. let me get to the point, i just wanted to have you get a feel for where my brain is at.

my husband (ive known for nearly 4 years and i married this past september) wont let me go on a diet. i do want to eat healthier but my thinking is very black and white. i like to go all out when i want to eat healthy. but i know im doing this mostly for weight/fat loss. having better skin and getting more nutrients in is just a bonus. he knows about my issues, he knows that me dieting and cutting out foods is mostly just me trying to drop weight. my problem is that i feel like i HAVE to diet or else i wont get relief from feeling like crap about myself. i want my husband to love my body (he says he does) and IIII want to love my body too (sometimes i dig it but im really not comfortable in it), so in my mind i think "oh if i am smaller, we will both love my body" but achieving that takes a lot of...pain...i always end up starving myself, getting anxiety and heart palpitations, because i take 'dieting' so far every time.

my options:

-i try to be normal and stop thinking about weight and food police-ing myself.
outcome: i'll get massive because im gluttonous at heart. i become more unhappy and it triggers myself to starve away the weight i gained.

-i eat strictly clean and healthy. no treats. no sugar. no gluten because why not.
outcome: i feel insane and deprived, my husband is mad at me for restricting calories and food again, but im happy because im getting smaller and feel better about my looks and way of eating.

-i find a balance in between. somehow eat healthy but include treats while not thinking about weight and about 'good and bad' foods and eating behaviours.
outcome: i can't do the above. i can only go one way or another. i can only think about if im gaining weight or losing weight. i cant eat healthy AND include unhealthy food without having restrictive eating thoughts. i need to have those thoughts or else i lose control and eat more than i need.

i have no access to therapy or counseling and i dont even have a physician. i just moved to canada from the US and i dont have a health card/insurance yet and i dont have a job or money yet because i cant work without a work permit (but the WP is on its way). my husband (who does work) would pay for a therapist for me but its $180CAD/hour and i feel like thats too much and not worth it(?) i wont have insurance until i become a permanent resident which i am in the process of. so PLEASE dont tell me to simply 'go to a therapist!' or 'omg you need medication/treatment!!!1' because i really dont have access to those things yet. i also cant talk to my husband really because hes heard it all from me already and all he tells me is 'to just STOP' and gets upset and stressed out. and he also gets depressed because he knows he cant really help me.

i am just wondering what i should do for myself in the meantime. somehow be healthy and happy with myself without resorting to ED behaviours and making my husband upset. maybe lose weight healthily?(but me equating losing weight to happiness and comfort is my ED brain talking so ignore that unless you think i could do that to help my mind but do it healthily without spiraling into sick behaviours) and please do not tell me to eat whatever i want but do exercise to 'make up for it', because i know that i'll just exercise to purge the calories...

im so confused in the head right now, it makes me want to break things and scream but i cant and that makes me feel even more insane. im really sorry if this doesnt belong here or if I dont belong here and that i written this so lazily without punctuation and capitalisation and thats its a big mess wall of text but i really needed to get this out and i need any help i could get.

Hi thinkin-, we would like to

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I totally get your frustration. I hope things eventually work out to a point where you are able to get a therapist, because I'm sure that would be the most helpful for you, but until then... Some thoughts -
Something my therapist is having me do is body talk. I like being silly anyway and doing voices, so it's helpful for me. What she's having me do is "talk" to various body parts, telling them how I feel about them, and in turn, finding out how "they" feel about me, and about how I'm treating them, in regards to restricting, especially. She's using this to help me work on self-love, because I basically don't have any. So, I'm discovering new things about myself by doing this, and as a result, hopefully, I'll soon be able to nourish myself properly. My thought for you, in regards to this is to ask yourself what are you getting from restricting? What does it do for you? How does it help you? How does it hurt you? What would it mean if you didn't give in to your urges, one way or the other? These are just some ideas that you might want to explore either through body talk or journaling or talking with a friend or your husband, whatever works best for you. The one thing to remember is to allow yourself to take it slowly. Don't expect momentous changes to happen overnight. I know, for me, this is truly arduous and frustrating, because I want it "fixed" NOW, but I'm trying to trust my therapists and go at their pace. Basically, figure out first what is motivating the e.d. and go from there. You can't reach the top of the statue of liberty with one big leap. It takes a lot of little steps, one at a time. (And unfortunately, sometimes, you end up going back down to start again and regroup.) But there's hope. I hope this helps a little. Keep us posted.

Thank you. I don't know if I

Thank you. I don't know if I will keep this forum posted. Maybe. I feel like I need to curl up into a ball and just think it out. I DO need to remind myself why restricting is no good and ponder what do I really get out of it...and what i might be missing that makes me use ED behaviours (restricting and overeating) to cope for lacking those things. I'm almost there in figuring those things/myself out.

I tell myself that a little restricting is healthy and I should indeed be doing it and that eating like a normal human being (whatever that is) or intuitively is going to make me fat, sick, and ugly. I feel like I am those three things and I am blaming eating without restriction. God, the dysphoria of having my thoughts go one way while my actions do another. (Currently eating normally but feel like absolute garbage for doing it) I want my thoughts and actions to match up, I just want to feel okay and know I'm okay and I'm fine if I weigh whatever pounds or look like whatever aaaaaaaaaa i feel like i cant let my ED go. It feels INGRAINED.

Sorry there is so much I want to say. I just meant to reply to thank you. I don't expect you to reply to all that above. I'm just getting more off my chest.

It's ok

I just hope it helped some. I get it. I hate when my feelings and logic don't match together. Very frustrating! Hang in there.

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