National Eating Disorders Association

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crooked_heart
Meal Plan

Hi, this is my first time posting. Today was my first day on my meal plan and I feel very mixed because I didn't binge or purge at all and that's good, but I also can't stop thinking about the food I ate. I feel like if I keep following my meal plan then I will get fat and I just start freaking out. I think about food all of the time and it has taken over my life. I know if I keep eating like I do it will just get less and less becuase I feel like each day I can do better and eat less then I did the day before and I know soon it will get dangerous, fast. It is just very hard to get better. I feel like I just need someone to tell me that I am okay and that I am not horrible and nothing is wrong with me. I am really just trying to do it one day at a time. I keep trying to see the positives but the negatives are all I can think about and how wrong I feel about everything I do, like I can do nothing good.

alwaysthinking
Welcome

Hi. Welcome to the forum. I totally understand your fear, because I've been there, myself. It takes staying on that meal plan regularly to let your body get used to it to know that it's not going to make you "fat." Did you get this meal plan when you were in the hospital? Do you have a therapist or dietitian? I know when I was inpatient, I was freaking out about how "much" I felt I was eating, and it took getting a reality check from the dietitian telling me that I hadn't gained any weight. I hope this helps. Keep us posted.

crooked_heart
Thanks

Thank you, I’m currently looking for a new therapist. I feel like I just want to shove everything inside my mouth but at the same time never eat again. Does anyone else feel this way too and if so how do you fight these extreme urges?

Lizuli26
Sorry it’s all a bit panic-mode!

All these freak-outs are completely normal, and completely unnecessary! Are you familiar with set point theory? It basically says your body has a weight range where it functions best, and wants to stay. Any meal plan, from any professional, will just get you to your set point, period. It’s not an exact science: eating really isn’t, and it doesn’t have to be. I would bet my dog’s life that eating everything on your meal plan, and more if you want to, without purging, or engaging in any other disordered behaviours, will be really damn good for you!
And to be honest, it sounds like the desire to “shove everything in your mouth” might be extreme hunger- been there. And Um...I did shove everything in my mouth. And it was as terrifying as it was wonderful, and my body and brain got a lot better very quickly as a consequence. The crucial part there obviously is not purging...
If it is extreme hunger, maybe it’s mental, maybe it’s physical, either way, the consensus is, you need to follow your hunger. Tabitha Farrars YouTube videos are great for that.
And the desire to never eat again sounds like fear. Its just your eating disorder. And you don’t want to give into your eating disorder. You chose recovery: you know your reasons why, you know how rubbish life with an eating disorder is, or you wouldn’t be trying as hard as you are.
I’m so sorry the thoughts seem overwhelming right now, but your healthy brain is definitely in there somewhere: you need to find it and stick with it! Separating the eating disorder from myself was the best thing I ever did: wouldn’t’ve started recovering properly without it.
None of this is easy, I’m not saying it is at all. But it’s simple. Eat, rest, and no disordered behaviours. It’s the hardest and the best thing you’ll ever do!
Good luck and lots of love
Xxx

crooked_heart
Thank you

Thank you so much, it’s good to know that there is hope and that there are people who have gone through this, survived and understand.

HeroCat
thank you

Hey, I just read through this thread and I wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted here because you were honest about your fear, struggles, etc. yet determined to fight the ED. That's just what I needed to read right now because I am feeling pretty low.

Lizuli26
Glad it was helpful!

And yeah, it’s an enormous struggle, but can also be wonderful. So many posts understandably focus on the emotional turmoil of recovery, but there is definitely a lot of room for good times too. Remember the times before ED when you were particularly hungry before a meal? And how you probably ate a bit more because of it? Well, you’ve got quite a backlog of meals like that! And for most people, once you put the fear aside, the food tastes pretty epic too! No pancakes have yet to surpass the ones I ate on the first day of recovery, period... (but obviously they still taste epic!).
I definitely had really low days: but I also had the day my dog crawled onto my lap because I was relaxed, and comfy to sit on, for the first time in a long while! I had my sisters birthday where I both baked and ate the most epic cake she’s ever hand (seriously: ‘‘twas a masterpiece ;) ) I had my mum singing in the mornings rather than crying; I had the first day I was warm enough to go in the sea, and not have to shower straight away afterwards. Hold onto moments like these. They're the first ones to make it worth it, but there will be so many more to come.X

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