National Eating Disorders Association

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CatholicRose
Admitting I have a problem

Hello. My name is CatholicRose. I'm a young adult who has just joined the forums today and the reason I have joined is because I've been struggling for years with disordered eating behaviors, and now I think I'm going to seek help.

I do not have an official name for what it is that I am going through, but whatever it is, I know that it's not good. In the past, I have done things to restrict my eating, but now it's gone from that to me overeating, either due to not wanting to face difficult emotions or due to boredom. There is also the possibility that my overeating may be due to physical causes as well since my body seems to have trouble feeling full much of the time, no matter how much I eat. I feel like a bottomless pit and that's something I believe I should be worried about, especially since there is some shame that I feel whenever I am eating out in public. When I eat in public, I try to hide myself while I eat because I don't want people to think I am gross, greedy, or unprofessional.

Part of me worries about recovery, though. It's good to recover, don't get me wrong, but at the same time, I'm scared that I'm going to use it as an opportunity to act like a drama queen. I don't know why, but for some reason, I always have some kind of drama going on in my life, and it's almost like I want to be sick so people can worry about me. I'm hurting so much on the inside, and it feels like the only way for people to notice how much I'm hurting is for people to see it through my body... That's a horrible way of thinking, but it's the truth. I want to seem as sick and dysfunctional as possible so that people will give me the attention that I lacked growing up. Growing up, nobody cared about me. It was always all about my siblings and my concerns were always downplayed or ignored by others. I was always the one who was scapegoated in my family, always the one who was bullied in school, always chosen last for things at school, and dealt with trauma upon trauma all the way until I moved out at age 18. I learned to hide my problems quickly, and I still haven't been able to show them since. I think this may be the biggest thing driving my many problems, including my disordered eating issues.

For the longest time, I thought that eating as much as I could wasn't a problem. I thought it was healthy, but now I think I'm seeing that eating so frequently is an issue because I can't seem to stop and it could very well put me at risk for developing diabetes.

Anyways, I just wanted to share this because I am so tired of lying to myself about the reality of my situation. I have a problem and it's time that I start to address it. I'm contacting a local dietitian to see if I can seek services with her. Hopefully she will say yes and also be affordable enough for me to see.

_admin_moderator
Welcome!

Hi, CatholicRose! Thank you for posting. We’re sorry to hear about what’s going on! We hope that you’re able to get the support you deserve here on the forums! When you get the chance, please take a look at our community guidelines here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelinesIf you’re looking for resources, please feel free to contact the Helpline at (800) 931-2237. The Helpline is open Mondays-Thursdays 9AM-9PM EST and Fridays 9AM-5PM EST. During these hours you can chat with us also by clicking the chat now option at the top right hand corner! Also you mentioned some concerning feelings so for precaution we are providing you with some resources in case you want to reach out for additional support:  

Please take care and continue posting! 

alwaysthinking
Welcome

Hi, and welcome to the forum. I hope you get the help for which you are searching and definitely deserve. It sounds all too familiar, your reasons for "wanting" to be sick. It's quite a common theme for most people with mental disorders, for that matter. I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of that. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know it doesn't make you weird or bad or anything like that. You're not alone. I hope you keep us posted, as to your recovery.

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