National Eating Disorders Association

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jester
Mom encouraging eating

So my therapist did speak to my mom about my eating. I do not know exactly what she said so I need to find that out. But now my mom is checking in about my eating, and wanting to eat dinners together. This IS good... I do want her to reach out and spend time with me. But I also had hoped to get a bit sicker before turning things around. I know it's stupid...

The thing is if this had happened not at thanksgiving I probably would welcome it. But because of the holiday happening I feel like my ED got pushed back, and I need to make that up before I can then recover. Maybe I'm just supposed to push through and do the work now. But I feel like if I work on recovery now, I will never really believe I was sick enough and I'll relapse again. I wish I could just push things back a couple weeks :(

Maybe I can talk to my therapist and ask my mom if she can just focus on work until the new year and then we can work on my needs. There's already enough stress around holidays. I don't like Christmas anyway, and this year there's a lot to navigate with my parents being divorced.

I'm now realizing I'm gonna have to go to so many dinners for Christmas and Hannukkah ugh I just want to have some peace to get really sick and THEN I will eat.

alwaysthinking
Sick

For starters, it's not stupid saying that you want to be sicker before you start recovery. I totally get it and I'm often at that same place. Unfortunately our eating disorders do that to us, lie to us and tell us that we need to be thinner before we're allowed to start getting better. That we're not sick enough to deserve getting better yet. That we don't deserve recovery. Etc. Pick your own lie. Because that's exactly what it is. Don't worry I fall for the same trap you're not alone. It's just hard to figure out how to navigate it and get through it. So I encourage you to have serious discussions with your therapist about those ways of thinking and do what you can to start getting better now. You deserve it whether you think so or not. I hope things improve both on the eating disorder realm and also with your relations with your mom. Keep us posted as to how things go.

jester
<3

Thank you so much for your comment. I spoke to my therapist on the phone before eating the dinner my mom prepared for me which helped so much. I feel weird about eating but I am trying to try my best. I was able to express a lot to my therapist about what is scaring me right now, including the overwhelm of holidays AND increased parental attention AND the food aspects of social engagement, and also very importantly the fear that I will eat, thereby removing the (unhealthy) coping mechanism of restriction but then I won't actually feel better in regards to underlying depression etc, so things will just be worse and I won't be able to find solace in wallowing in my eating disorder (I've realized it feels safer to be miserable about a known thing, the eating disorder, than miserable despite being in recovery from that particular thing while having other issues still unknown or unaddressed).

Anyway. I ate, and ate something else when I was hungry after, and I am getting a bit freaked out about planning food for the next week or so as my mom returns to school in a different town. This is the point where autism and the eating disorder really feed into eachother and I get really anxious and wound up about planning and routine. Anyway. Rambles. I'm trying! Gonna eat later even if it scares me. Hopefully figure out what I actually want rather than what I feel obligated to eat because of scarcity, expiration, or orthorexia rules!!

Best wishes to you!

Alexo_eats
Honestly

I love how honest and open you are being to your therapist. Your body will thank you for what you are doing now. While we may tell ourselves we just want to get a little bit sicker a little bit lighter, the consequences it can do to our bodies is deadly. Some people who suffer from ED can suddenly just die in their sleep! You deserve to live your best life, a life without ED. Keep us updated! Sending you love and support!

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