National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
Overstressed and self-care

Warning - this is going to be long because I have not posted about my issues for a while.
So ever since the death of the friend in my congregation, I have been overstressed and overwhelmed to the max and to my Breaking Point. It has put me in serious crisis points, and one time last week, I almost landed back in the hospital. I was texting the crisis line and ended the conversation abruptly which didn't bode well and the next thing I know, I had the police pounding on my door and I landed in the ER for a psych consultation. But I had so many appointments last week that I really wanted to make that I was able to convince the social worker that I did not need inpatient hospitalization especially since I didn't have glasses and really needed go to my eye doctor appointment the next day so I could get an examination in order to get a prescription for my glasses. It may have seemed trivial to many but the idea of having to go inpatient without having glasses from which I could see properly was just intolerable. I never want to have to do that again. This past few weeks has been miserable for me. I have not been able to cope well at all. Not having glasses from which I could see properly has made life completely intolerable because I only had three activities which I could do without my glasses, one of which was exercise! And I'm not exactly supposed to be doing that very frequently obviously :-) so this was very stressful. Thankfully I am able to drive without glasses so at least that was not an issue. I had so many headaches because of the eye strain but the thing that has been the most stressful has been the constant battle going on in my head which has nothing to do with the Lost glasses. And this battle continues to wage constantly. I have been overstressed beyond belief and trying to take care of everybody in my life and realizing that basically nobody except for my best friend is trying to take care of me. I Quite often feel like I am always giving but never being able to take. And it's taken quite a toll on me. So I desperately need a break and I'm going to take it. I'm going to take advantage of the next few weeks to reassess and start some desperately needed self care. Unfortunately, even within my plans for self-care, they still don't include eating properly. My eating has become atrocious. I am restricting like crazy and whenever I do manage to eat, I usually end up taking laxatives. I have the mindset right now of wanting to lose so much weight that hopefully I get to a point where my health is in danger and maybe my friends will realize how much I need them to take care of me. Because I have been taking care of them for so long without any real appreciation. I don't think sometimes that people realize how much we do for them or if they do they forget to express their appreciation for it. When my friend died, people were saying so many nice things about her and it made me wonder if they ever said those things to her. Did she know that they felt that way about her? It's a shame that we as a society so often do not express our feelings to people directly to the people we love most. I know this, because in general, I have never felt truly loved or felt like people Express to me how they feel
About me. That's why I do everything I can to show and tell people how much I love them and how I feel about them. Life is too short not to let people know how wonderful they are. And so I guess a part of me is resorting to eating disorder behaviors right now in an effort to get to a point to be so unhealthy in a hope that it will require people finally to realize that I'm sick and to give me attention. I know it's distorted and I know it's not the type of attention I really want but I also know I'm not getting the attention I do want and deserve. It's so messed up and I really hate it. I also just really don't want to eat. Because I'm really depressed. Thank you anyone who read this extremely long post.

Blue44
alwaysthinking

Hello alwaysthinking. I just want to let you know that I’m really sorry that you have had such a difficult time lately. I’m glad that you posted here. I do hope and pray that things will get better for you. I wish I had something more helpful to say. I just want you to know that you are cared for. Take care of yourself.

tryingtobebrave
I think you’re absolutely

I think you’re absolutely right about how so many people (I’m guilty of this at times) don’t express their gratitude or love to the people in their lives whom they love. I know what a compassionate and empathetic person you are, and I’m so glad that you’re going to do some self care.
For what it’s worth- sometimes people not being able to express their feelings to others is due to their own issues they should be working through. Up until the last four or five years, I struggled with this. Even with people I loved so much, I was too terrified of vulnerability to express my feelings to them. And that was my own damage- because now that I’m able to share my gratitude and love with others, I know how much I was missing out on and glad I made the effort to change.
I love you.

alwaysthinking
Thank you

Thank you both for your responses. I really appreciate it. I don't celebrate holidays and today is my self-care day. I hope it goes well.

alwaysthinking
Self-care day

My self-care day yesterday totally bombed and I felt miserable because I was in my head more than anything else. Today has been pretty awful also. I had a phone session with my eating disorder therapist today and she still is trying to figure out what the PHP place is going to do if anything. It seems like they haven't even made a decision about placement and we don't even know yet if they accept both of my insurances and if they don't then she's going to try to get them to waive the fee for the secondary. Regardless, my eating has been atrocious because I have been restricting on a daily basis. I've hardly eaten anything every day. And when I do manage to eat I always end up taking laxatives. The majority of the time it's because of how depressed I am but as I told her today part of it is also because I feel like eating is wrong. Like if I eat I'm a bad anorexic. Which I know logically is a good thing, but at the moment I'm really struggling with self worth big time so it doesn't feel like it's a big problem at all. I hate saying that because I know it's wrong and yet I really don't care because I'm just so tired of everything. I think my biggest issue, correction, I know my biggest issue, is that I just don't feel supported enough. I don't mean professionally. I just don't have enough people who understand with what I'm struggling and it's easier for them I guess to stay at a distance. I'm still totally overstressed and self-care is not really working out. I am isolating more then I ever have before and spending a lot more time in bed than I ever have before as well. This is not like me. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do anymore.

_admin_moderator
alwaysthinking

Hi alwaysthinking. We are so sorry to hear you’re feeling like this right now. We wanted to make sure you have access to resources if you need to reach out for support:

 Stay strong, please continue posting and take care.

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