National Eating Disorders Association

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Big night

Tonight so much is happening... I wrote about it privately already but I guess I should post here.
I texted my therapist a few days ago sharing more about this relapse. Tonight's therapy was really intense. I talked about wanting to get to a point of horrible health so that I just get to focus on surviving, rather than anything else. And so all anybody expects of me is to heal.
I talked about wanting to feel loved. Wishing I could be adopted into some home or something. Wanting more than anything to be looked after and taken care of. I thought maybe if I restrict so much that I have to be hospitalized, from that rock bottom I will be able to go stay with my dad even. Even though I've never stayed with him or even met his girlfriend or her kids. I want to hit the lowest point so that anything is up. And I realized everything is so terrifying.

I started crying. Normally I suppress it when I start to tear up in therapy, but I even sobbed a bit. And I let my therapist bring my dad in after, to tell him I am not ok and in crisis. I let him rub my back (and hug me after, and put his hand on my back on the way home) which was so healing from times in the past when he rubbed my back when I wanted to be left alone.

And then my mom called and we talked a bit, and he had told her a bit about therapy, and we talked about plans I have with family tomorrow which have changed. That's distressing but I hope everything works out.
And my therapist asked if she could tell my mom about my ED, and I agreed although I told her how scary that is. And I really hope things turn out well.
I made myself some food and am eating it. I had planned on not eating at all, prior to therapy. But I decided to eat because I had been crying and I deserve it. I hope that being recognized as not ok will allow me to stop trying to express it through restriction. I am very afraid, because I feel I havent reached a bad enough point for it to count, but all I can do is hope.

My therapist suggested I do stay with my dad for a bit after thanskgiving. I can barely think about that. Not to mention all that fills my mind is the fact I would have to eat if I went. It's so overwhelming that this is happening right in the middle of holidays. I just hope things settle.

Ok time to try and relax I guess. It feels like after that nothing I do will be suitable. Like it feels weird to return to my day to day faffing around. Anyway. Would appreciate some support right now. Thanks so much for reading.


I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that and I'm glad that you were able to get some support from both of your parents. I'm glad that your therapist was able to bring in your dad and your mom. At least it sounded like both of your parents give you some support, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm really sorry that things have gone to the crisis point for you and I hope things do only get better from here even if you feel that they have to hit rock bottom in order to do that. I really hope things do improve and that you are able to get the love that you deserve without starving yourself. It's so terrible that we have to feel that we need to do so much damage to our bodies in order to receive the attention that we all rightfully deserve regardless of what we eat or don't eat. You deserve that attention and love no matter what type of person you are, what size you are, what you eat, what you don't eat. My heart goes out to you, jester, and I wish you nothing but the best. Take care and please keep us posted as to how things go.

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