National Eating Disorders Association

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Oliveristrying
I'm tired of chasing an unattainable goal.

My name is Oliver and I'm 18 years old. All my life I was bullied for my weight by peers and family. Always getting comments about how I ate like a cow, I couldn't go a minute without a snack, etc. I tried multiple times in my prepubescence to starve myself, of course failing miserably within hours of beginning and turning back to snacking.

A little over a year ago, I met a girl who had an eating disorder and we never spoke about it but i remember seeing how thin she was and feeling extremely jealous. It brought all of those feelings about my body back and all the memories of people putting me down over the years and I spiraled. I had ups and downs over the next year. At first I was engaging in eating disorder behaviors but not to the point of "this is a problem". I lost a certain amount of weight (in my own mind) so I went lower. And lower. And I restricted even lower, sometimes eating a certain amount of food and drinking only certain drinks while I was trying to feign of dizziness was pure hell but I kept doing it, trying to get to that beautiful goal of "skinny enough".

But of course I would engage in certain eating disorder behaviors after going days living off of only a certain amount of food, whatever it was I ate. And the cycle repeated itself for a certain amount of time until something clicked within me. I lost rapidly then and started feeling like hell. Around that time, thinking back on it now, i was having a lot of problems with my mom and little sister and i was probably using it as a means of control. The worse my life got, the less i ate. I felt powerful in my own mind. Putting anyone down in my head if they ate more than me. Counting the calories on their plate and snickering.

But I started hating my eating disorder. Started wishing to eat but feeling stuck. I was so busy focusing on how good it felt to be "better" than everyone that I didnt even notice anorexia taking over my mind. It went from being a choice to something I couldn't stop doing. Why? I dont know. I just couldnt. Maybe it was pride.

Well 2 months ago I moved out of my mom's house and into my boyfriend's. Hes been really supportive of me and makes me nothing but happy. We've talked extensively about my eating disorder and he wants me to get better but doesnt pressure me. What's helped me the most is how we talk about it. We refer to anorexia as a "him". Almost as if it's a possessive demon feeding on negativity.

I've been working on not engaging in certain eating disorder behaviors and listening to my body. When I slip into my bad days my boyfriend reminds me that it's just the demon trying to save its a**. When I feel guilty for eating, or think of recovery negatively (it's just an excuse to be fat, etc.) He tells me that the guilt is just the demon trying to stay longer in my head. And if I feed those thoughts and follow their directions I'm telling the demon hes welcome. I have to fight them and keep working. I cant lay down and let them have their way.

It helps a LOT. I'm ignoring the guilt more and I'm getting a taste of what it's like to not have it. It's still a huge struggle but it's getting better. I dont feel bad for enjoying the taste anymore of certain drinks. Its not a huge step but its something and I'm proud.

Anorexia, you're no longer welcome here and soon you'll be gone. Pack your bags because it's coming.

_admin_moderator
Post Edited

Hi Oliveristrying,  We are glad to hear that you are finding support here on the NEDA forums. A portion of your post was edited and deleted due to the mention of specific numbers and eating disorder behaviors that may be triggering to other members of the forum. Our community guidelines are always available to review here: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/community-guidelines . In the event you need further assistance, please do not hesitate to call the NEDA helpline at 1-800-931-2237 (Monday-Thursday 9:00am-9:00pm, Friday 9:00am-5:00pm EST)

alwaysthinking
Welcome

Hi Oliver. Welcome to the forums. I'm glad that you have been able to begin your journey to recovery. I hope things continue to improve for you because anorexia certainly is a demon that invades our brain and finds a way to make our lives complete torture. I hope you continue posting and sharing your story with us. I wasn't sure if you were aware but there is also a forum on the same website that is specifically designed for males. Just in case you are more comfortable posting with that gender alone. I hope you continue posting here as well though.

Amena90
That's awesome. I'm so happy

That's awesome. I'm so happy for you! I wish I could take that step too. I've been getting involved with lots of eating disorder behaviors for months now, and the problem is...my parents don't even know about it. The reason why that even started was for the exact same situation you've been through. I've always been eating a lot or "like a pig" and never gave a thought about my weight, but my family and friends kept on commenting about my food and thighs that I started hating my body. I then started looking at other people's foods (my friends who were thinner than me) and I felt disgusted. Now, my condition is terrible, but my parents don't even know about it because they thought I did it the "healthy" way. Could you please tell me how you got to reach for help? I'm so scared of doing that.

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