National Eating Disorders Association

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sharing my secrecy

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 16. I am 30 now. During the forced refeeding and meal plans I began using disordered eating behaviors to try to regain some control in a situation where I had none. this has continued for the last 14 years to varying rules, patterns, routines and lifestyle changes. At least for the last 6 years, my life has been very isolated. I have lived mainly alone, worked/studied each day and then returned home each night to disappear into hours of behaviors.

I don't know if I have rumination syndrome too. I don't fess all this to my psychologists as they have never really prompted me to and I feel like it is too serious or heavy to bring up.
I so desparately wish to be free of it but I also know its like better the devil you know. Its comforting, controlling, familiar and I don't know life any other way.
its sad but i must be getting something from it because despite saying i don't want to do it. when it comes down to it, I do want to do it. just like other addictions i guess.
Anyway. im just putting it out there
thank you

Dear sunshinesurf,We would

Dear sunshinesurf,We would like to inform you that your post has been edited to remove specific disordered eating behaviors, which are not allowed on the forums. You can review our community guidelines here. Thanks for your understanding and please continue to post! 


I'm sorry you've had to go through therapy without being able to be completely open with them about your behaviors. I understand why, and I also think you'd get more out of it by being 100℅ honest with them. I also get the feeling of wanting to be free from the behaviors but also realizing there's a safety in keeping them, as well. It sounds like you're really struggling right now, and I'm sorry. I hope you get some peace. Welcome to the forum, and please continue to post.


Hello and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you have been suffering for so long and have been so isolated as well. Was that on purpose? Do you prefer being alone over being with people or is it difficult being with people. Please forgive my directness. You do not need to answer any of these questions, I just wonder because sometimes the eating disorder breeds isolation so it can take more from you.

I do think it is very important to talk with your therapist about. Do you think you may be afraid because you may be offered help which means you may not be able to use the behaviors as much? It is very common first for people to not think that they are sick enough to get help, which is a lie. Second, people are afraid to get help even though they know they need help because of ambivalence as you said. It is very common because as you said, this lifestyle is the only way of living that you have known. The unknown is walking a different path and learning knew ways to cope, live and overcome. For decades this was true for me, and it is for many. But I can tell you that after two dozen plus hospitalizations for eating disorders, self harm and depression, I am one and a half years free from the addiction of all of these. I am until this week and probably before, have to reduce certain foods due to pancreatitis. I am not afraid to go out with friends, or be around food, or eat food others have cooked for me. I am free and enjoying the few friends I have. I was so afraid to gain weight and maintain a healthy weight. Being at a healthy weight is so much easier and freer that living under the demands of the eating disorder.

I hope that you can get to the point where you can tell your therapist, and possible get checked out by a doctor as eating disorders are dangerous and life threatening. Even if you don't think you are "that sick".

I am glad you have come to the forum and hope to see you around again.


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