National Eating Disorders Association

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jester
getting back on track?

I have been slipping more and more into a relapse and I am starting to think of just stopping, and eating again. It feels awful to "give up." I've only been slipping for a few days so I feel overdramatic talking about relapse (even though I have been eating nowhere near enough and planning on continuing down that path). And I wanted somebody to notice and care that I'm hurting. I wanted to do something to externalize my feelings.
Deciding not to wait for support, deciding to eat even though I'll still be depressed and I'll still have all the same problems isn't very desirable. At least if I am relapsing I will know I am truly unwell.
When I was sick in the first place I waited and waited for somebody to notice and stop me but nobody did and I had to just give up and eat because I was hurting myself too much. I know that will happen again. I'll just hurt myself. I want somebody to care and notice but this isn't going to accomplish that. And I'm hungry. Honestly. I do want food, I don't want to be more exhausted and irritable than I already am even without starving myself.
So I think I'll find some recovery focused content, and eat a real dinner tonight. Hopefully. It just hurts so much to know that deciding not to relapse will just put me right back in the same place of being alone and unhappy and scared and unsupported. I don't want to talk myself out of it though haha. I guess I will eat. Writing it here makes it a commitment, which is scary, but I'll do it. I really hope things get better.

(Note : I'm sorry I don't reply much to other people's posts. I really am rooting for you all, I just can't focus outside of myself right now. I hope you're all well and I'm proud of you!)

tryingtobebrave
Hi

I just wanted to tell you that I’m here for you and I care. You are noticed here, I don’t know if that helps much but we see you and empathize with what you’re going through. I know the ED makes it feel like choosing to eat is giving up, but I think you’re being really strong to choose to try to eat. Especially if you’re struggling with depression, I relate to how difficult that can make it to eat.

alwaysthinking
I understand

I get the desire to be sick enough for someone to notice. It's like a desire to have someone finally step in and start taking care of you. Except it doesn't happen the way we wish it would. I'm sorry you don't feel noticed. You are important to me, and you don't have to be sick in order to be important. Take care.

Blue44
jester

I am sorry that you are struggling lately. I am glad that you have reached out for support here on the forum. I understand how the depression and eating disorder coincide. I also struggle with both. The worse my depression the harder it is to eat. I’ll be thinking of you. Take care

lovetowrite81
Jester

Hi Jester-

Just wanted to show my support as well. I'm so sorry you've been going through a difficult time. I definitely relate with ideas of wanting others to notice and intervene when I was sick. I think your post touches on a really important point- that as much as it may seem like using behaviors/restricting is the answer, feeding into our ED is never going to accomplish what we want it to. Underlying all of our pain and fear and sadness is still there. I've definitely been feeling a lot of that recently, so I get how difficult that can be. I hope that you will be reminded that you can work through processing these difficult emotions without falling back to ED- it is not easy work but it is so important. You are not alone <3 You are seen here.

jester
Thank you

Thank you so much (to all of you).
I had a friend over yesterday and snacked a lot which is scary. I was really craving a couple foods so I am gonna try and get them today, but I am scared. I get so anxious about foods I have to eat because I already have them. I don't know how much this is my personality/autism (desire for routine) and how much is the eating disorder. Getting more foods will mean I will stress about fitting them in to my eating.

I also feel like I can't commit fully to unrestricted eating because I haven't been undereating for long. When I first started recovery I knew my body had been suffering so I felt able to eat whatever I wanted to rebuild it. Now I was only undereating for a bit so I still feel convinced I need to control my food (ie restrict slightly)... I will have to keep thinking about what to do I guess.. I probably should just "give up" and eat whatever I want and actually commit to recovery but I'm very anxious.

Thanks again.

lovetowrite81
Jester

Hi Jester-

Just wanted to check in and see how the rest of your weekend went? I can definitely understand the anxiety around incorporating new foods and letting go of restricting. It's so tough. Just wanted to let you know we're here for you and understand. Keep us posted on how you're doing <3

jester
lovetowrite81

Thanks for checking in. On Sunday I deviated from my routine to eat something I wanted, which challenged my anxiety and was good. But I still am struggling with orthorexic thoughts. There are a couple foods I am really craving and am going to eat in the coming week but my brain is freaking out about balancing them, because they are fear foods.
Big life change that has been creeping up is finally actually upon me, so I don't know what's gonna happen with that. We'll see. And I'm not sure what will happen with these fear foods I've planned on eating.
I have a psychiatrist appointment today. I will probably mention some of this.
Thank you again for checking in I will try and remember to post here if anything else comes up. I hope youre doing ok.

lovetowrite81
Jester

Hi Jester-

That's awesome about challenging yourself to eat something outside of your comfort zone. I can definitely understand those thoughts, as I struggled primarily with orthorexia.

What are the upcoming life changes if you don't mind sharing more about that? No pressure to if you don't want to discuss.

Keep us posted on how your week goes- you got this! We're here for you <3

jester
lovetowrite81

That's ok I was only vague because I get a bit paranoid about people seeing this and identifying me. My friend is moving away and as they're the only person I hang out with, I am not sure where I will get any social contact, except for the rare times I see my other friends but even then I do not have the same relationship with them as I do with the friend who is leaving.
Tonight I talked to my therapist almost exclusively about eating disorder stuff and then had a good dinner, and I have good food to eat this coming week, so I am feeling hopeful about food, if not about other things :)

lovetowrite81
Jester

Hi Jester-

I could see how that would be really difficult that your closest friend is about to leave the area. That's really tough. We are here for you in this time of upcoming transition. I'm glad you had a good therapy session and are feeling good food-wise this week. Keep us posted <3

Lillian4516
I can relate

Hi there. I’m new here, hope you don’t mind if I jump in on this convo. I can relate to the “slipping” and feeling over dramatic. I think what I’m realizing is that my ED used to be so bad, that I compare these slip ups to that time and then think that what I’m doing really isn’t that detrimental. But I’m hearing my friends and therapist say otherwise. It’s so easy to compare, but we need to see these slips for what they are—a dangerous path. I’m so glad you shared, and I hope you can feel supported and loved in this process!