National Eating Disorders Association

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jester
Restricted today

Today I didnt eat all day, and thought I would be able to eat my nighttime meal without anxiety. But I instinctively went and prepared myself dinner, and by the time my eating disorder brain caught up I had already committed to eating so I did. But now I know when I eat later I will feel anxious and bad. Even though I didn't eat much, and before that hadn't eaten all day. Not really "maintaining recovery" but that's where I am.

My mood has been so up and down. Last night I was miserable and hopeless, and today I was feeling ok. Caffeine strongly influences my mood for the better, but I worry about dependency so I try to only have it every few days. So not only is my mood dropping now because of food, but without caffeine tomorrow I likely won't have nearly as much of a chance at a good mood.
Lots of despair lately - I had a good few days/maybe a week, but as of last night the despair is back. I know relapsing fully wouldn't be good, but it feels like it would help at least as a distraction.

Blue44
jester

I can relate to what you are saying. I have periods of restricting and feelings of despair. I also am somewhat dependent on caffeine. Just know that today is a new day. There are ups and downs in recovery. I hope you will soon have better days. I’ll be thinking of you. Take care.

alwaysthinking
here for you

sorry you're dealing with so much. remember that one day of restriction doesn't mean you have relapsed. today is another day. start again and just try again to do your best. take care of yourself as you would take care of a child or a pet. you wouldn't starve a pet or someone's child if you were babysitting for a friend, would you? you deserve everything you would give that person or animal. try to love yourself as you would love anyone else. I know, easier said than done, but keep trying. here for you

lovetowrite81
Jester

Hi Jester-

Just wanted to check in & see how you are feeling today? I can relate with ever fluctuating up and down moods- that can be really tough. I agree with the previous postings that some days are going to be rough but it doesn't mean all is lost- each new day is a chance to do the best we can. Be gentle with yourself and know that we're here for you <3

jester
lovetowrite81

Thank you for your comments. It is good to remember that I can always start over the next day. I am currently at a birthday party and logged in on my phone because its hard. Food, triggering conversation, and I also saw a picture of myself this morning from when I was thinner - before I even got sick. I know I was still growing and also for a while was undereating due to depression, and just because I once weighed a certain amount doesnt mean thats what I should weigh. Its not that I think I was healthy then, its that I wish I was thin even if it means looking (and being) unhealthy. I wish I hadnt gotten sick because I used to be depressed and have no appetite, and now I get very hungry.
I know its bad to judge peoples body this way but seeing how thin my friend is was triggering because I know he doesnt try, or even wants to gain weight, but I wish I could be that thin without even thinking about food. Or maybe just eat whatever I want without worrying, although thats hard to imagine.
I did have some sweets and theres some that I wish I had at home....
I know that you are supposed to eat at parties but I am still scared to eat more later. And especially seeing that picture makes me want to relapse. I see my therapist on tuesday so maybe I can decide to hold off on relapsing until then and hopefully can mention how I'm feeling to her (I have other stuff to talk about so hopefully I find the time to work this in!)
I will try to eat well later. And tomorrow. But the impulse lately has very much been to supress my appetite with caffeine and starve myself as much as possible. :(

Jas22
Jester

Hi jester - have you considered reaching out to the NEDA Helpline to guide you with navigating these challenges? They can be reached at 800.931.2237 or chat with them online (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/helplinechat) M-TH 9-9 EST and F 9-5 EST. Thinking of you, take care and stay strong.

jester
Jas22

Thank you I really appreciate it... But I don't think I will reach out to the helpline right now simply because the main feelings I'm having have nothing to do with eating disorder. I am posting these things here because that's what this forum is focused on, and yes I have been triggered to want to relapse, but really it is just a small side effect of me feeling extremely hopeless and scared lately. I do see my therapist Tuesday and hopefully that will do some good (although I do have a looming feeling that all the causes of my despair are environmental and that therapy can't fix them and therefore what's the point)
Anyway. I ate and I survived. Thank you for your comment and thoughts.

julesthefox
For what it’s worth, I’m

For what it’s worth, I’m really proud of you. I know you’re struggling right now, but even holding off on behaviors for a day is progress. And that’s how it’s done too; one day at a time. I’m sorry you’re feeling so hopeless right now. Know that things can and will get better; nothing lasts forever, including feelings. I know that’s been a difficult thing for me to wrap my head around especially when the depression kicks in. But allow yourself to be proud in this moment. You refrained from behaviors; you’re maintaining recovery. And you can do this. One day at a time.
Julesthefox

_admin_moderator
Resources

Hi, jester. Just because you mentioned some concerning feelings, for precaution we just  wanted to provide you with some resources you can reach out to for support: 

Please take care!