National Eating Disorders Association

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Elvira
Recovery is going well but I have questions

So my parents and I have a system where I help them plan my meal so I can make sure that I actually like them and I don’t do the shaking and the crying and the panicking. By doing this I feel eerily calm about eating. Like, yes I’m full but I will finish this wrap because I need to and my mom is staring at me. It’s okay, food’s okay. The anorexic thoughts are still there, but it’s kind of like “I’m already fat. My parents want me to get fatter. They think I’m too thin. The scale says I’m too thin. If it will make them not worry I’ll get fatter (in reality, be a normal weight) so I’ll eat what they tell me to and I don’t need to freak”
Has anyone else found that if someone’s forcing you to eat, it’s almost like permission to let go? I feel like I should be fighting recovery a lot more than I am. Am I just weird?

Blue44
Elvira

I can completely relate to what you are saying. I don’t struggle to eat nearly as much when I eat with my family. I eat normal portions when I’m with my family. It’s like giving myself permission to eat because my family is eating too. It’s a lot harder when I’m by myself.
Good job on finding what works for you. Best wishes in your recovery.

meerkat123
I feel that

When I was in treatment, I did not have that many emotions around eating. There were so many people having breakdowns at the table, but I only cried maybe twice. For me it was like I have to eat this anyway. I know what was expected of me so I just have to do it. Now that I am out, I have a harder time following my meal plan because there is not as much of the authority cracking down on me. I dont think you are weird, I have heard others say that it is easier when you are being forced to.

alwaysthinking
Agree

I totally agree. I live on my own so I don't have people around me telling me to eat but when I was in treatment it seemed entirely too easy that I felt like maybe I wasn't really sick and didn't belong there. I think it's just that structure with somebody else doing the planning & fixing and telling you that you have to eat and when to eat and all of that that makes it a little bit simpler for some of us. Not everybody because we're all different. So you're not weird at all and I hope that you can just give yourself a break and be glad that you are able to eat. That in itself is a Triumph. Remember, we're trying to get better.

Elvira
Thank you

Thank you all for your feedback and support. It helps knowing I’m not completely alone in this feeling. Alwaysthinking, Thanks for saying the part about wondering if you were really sick. That really stuck out to me. It’s so hard for me to actually say I have an eating disorder because I feel like recovery is too easy but i know if i wasn’t being monitored I’d slip right back.

ape130
Similar to you, I am

Similar to you, I am currently eating dinners with members of my family. My treatment team calls it "meal buddies." Except I don't have a good attitude about it like you do. I hate being watched while I'm eating, that's mainly because right now ED is pretty loud. But in treatment like others have mentioned, it was easier for me because there were consequences that they could enforce there so I just had to do it. Out here it's trickier, but that's really good that you're feeling the easiness while eating with someone!