National Eating Disorders Association

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c.cake214
I want to get better, but I have no hope

I don't remember when I noticed myself restricting. I grew up not having a lot to eat in the first place. Now that I'm older and have a job and can now purchase my own food, I thought I would be doing it all the time. Now I find excuses to avoid the grocery store as much as possible, and even when I'm there, the prospect of eating ANYTHING disgusts me. I've always been a picky eater, but I feel like it's leading to a terrible downfall.
I'm out here trying to reconnect with food. I'm trying to re-establish a relationship with it that I actually feel as if I benefit from. Here's what breaks my heart though.
I have a support system. The best one I could ask for, really. Yesterday really made me realize something. I always thought that if I could cook something for myself instead of whatever fast-food I could pick up, I'd start to love eating more. With that said, I went to the grocery store yesterday with some friends to buy ingredients. I cook the entire meal, they eat.... And I go home with my leftovers in tow. I look at the leftovers all day. I try to eat one. I take a bite and am immediately sick to my stomach. It's like my body doesn't want anything inside of it anymore. I feel hunger but I hate food. I'm not scared of gaining weight, in fact I've been TRYING to gain for almost a year now. The closest ED specialist works about 114 miles away from where I live, but I'm so desperate I might just be willing to make the trip. I hate that I'd be undertaking all of this while starting up school again, but god I'm tired of feeling sick and helpless all the time.

_admin_moderator
Resources

Hi! Thank you for posting. We’re sorry to hear about what’s going on! We hope that you’re able to get the support you deserve here on the forums! When you get the chance, please take a look at our community guidelines here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelines. If you’re looking for resources, please feel free to contact the Helpline at (800) 931-2237. The Helpline is open Mondays-Thursdays 9AM-9PM EST and Fridays 9AM-5PM EST. During these hours you can chat with us also by clicking the chat now option at the top right hand corner! Since you mentioned some concerning feelings, we want to post resources, just in case:  

 Please continue posting! 

alwaysthinking
Good for you

It's good that you recognize that you have this problem and that you do want to get better. I have the same issue with no therapist being anywhere near me, at least 75 miles away and I'm willing to travel to because I'm sick of it. So keep fighting for yourself and do the best you can. Have you contacted Neda to see if they can supply you with any resources just in case there is someone closer of which you are not aware?

ape130
I feel you my friend. I too

I feel you my friend. I too try to eat and just end up staring at all the food but then I hear in my head all the reasons why I can't eat this or that. It's awful. Just wanted to validate your feelings.