National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
Feel like a disaster

Today has not been good. I've had zero motivation or desire to do anything and I've been super tired, primarily because of the zero sleep I had the night before last. But the biggest problem today has been what keeps going round and round in my head. I'm having so much anxiety about worrying that the places that I called for treatment aren't going to accept me because they're going to think that I'm not sick enough. So even though I know my assessments over with and I can't amend it in any way, I have been doing stuff today that could be very detrimental to my health in the hopes that I will be sick enough. I feel like a total disaster. There's a part of me that just wants to give up completely and say forget it it's not worth it. And yet the fighter in me is saying no, I want to live. That's why I called those places. I know I need help. I can't do this on my own. But my experience with the ER has me so frazzled that I'm feeling like no one's going to ever think that I'm sick enough unless I'm at death's door. So today I'm doing stupid things that Might literally put me at death's door. Not right away of course but quicker than I can get the help I need. I'm so frustrated with myself because it's like I'm wanting to be light-headed and dizzy today and I feel like I deserve to be and when I'm not getting light-headed like I have been for the past week, I feel like I'm not sick enough and I don't deserve the help that I know in my logical mind that I truly need. My feelings are really playing Havoc with my wise mind and logical mind. But then they always do. Big sigh. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've thrown this on God and I know he'll help me get through this , and I'm still hurting big time. I feel defective, like a total disaster, and like I'm always going to be on this Merry-Go-Round ride in and out of hospitals for the rest of my life. That nothing is ever going to get better in this system of things. I'm so sick of this. If those places don't accept me, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Because I basically called the only places that accept my insurance. Hopefully, if they don't Neda can give me other resources that I couldn't find on my own. I'm just tired of doing this. I wish someone would do this work for me like my therapist or my psychiatrist. Kind of thought that's what they were supposed to do. I've been doing all the work my entire life and I'm tired. I just want someone to take care of me for once. And I know it's not going to happen but I still want it. We never stop hoping for a mommy. Someone to take care of us when we're sick. I never thought when you're sick that you're supposed to take care of yourself. And yet that's what I've done ever since I was four. I'm 43 now and I'm exhausted. Because basically, I've been sick since I was 12. Mentally sick that is. and the times that I was physically sick when I was growing up I still had to take care of myself. Is it any wonder I'm so messed up? Again, I feel like a disaster.

Blue44
alwaysthinking

I am sorry that you are having such a rough time today. I hope and pray that one of the treatment centers will accept you and you can start the program soon. In the meantime just continue to do the best you can. Continue to post here for support. I hope that you can get some sleep tonight. Take care

alwaysthinking
Today

Today has been pretty disastrous too. I'm trying not to allow anxieties about tomorrow to overtake me. And it's still not easy. Supposed to get a phone call from the various eating disorder treatment centers / hospitals tomorrow in order to know if any of them are going to accept me. I'm trying not to panic about it and just leave it in God's hands. I keep worrying that they're going to think I'm not sick enough yet. If not, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to get up my hopes and yet if I don't I just really don't know what my next step is. I've had a lot of lightheadedness today and dizziness and one part of me is thrilled and Another Part of Me is just really frustrated with myself. And I know I can't go to the ER because they'll just do the exact same thing as always and treat me like it's just my anxiety and get annoyed with me for being there again. I'm so sick of this. And I still feel like a disaster. And I still feel totally defective

lovetowrite81
Alwaysthinking

Hi Alwaysthinking-

I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. Just wanted to check in and see if there are any updates regarding treatment centers? I know that even though everything seems so up in the air and frustrating and difficult, God is moving <3 He's still got you in His hands- praying that you will lean into that truth today in the midst of the anxiety and uncertainty.

Savedbygrace
I'm so sorry

Things are so difficult, but just know that everything happens exactly when it's supposed to. I'll be praying for you. Keep us posted on how things go.

alwaysthinking
Recent post

My post not sick enough and I want to give up tells it all

_admin_moderator
Dear alwaysthinking, We are

Dear alwaysthinking, We are sorry to hear that you are struggling. We just wanted to post up some resources as you mentioned some concerning feelings:  

If you’re looking for resources, please feel free to contact the Helpline at (800) 931-2237. The Helpline is open Mondays-Thursdays 9AM-9PM EST and Fridays 9AM-5PM EST. During these hours you can chat with us also by clicking the chat now option at the top right hand corner! Please continue posting!