National Eating Disorders Association

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CASACERA
DAY1

I have an overall plan for today but to accomplish it I have to break it down into my eating, my physical activity and other things in my life that I want to do for pleasure or responsibility. Very important when I eat, what I eat and how I eat. Broken up with some pleasant 1/2 hr. walking. It's like I'm in my own inpatient facility. I'm my own big sister/nurse. Yesterday is gone, erase the
blackboard. If I stick with my overall plan I will feel better tomorrow am than this am, guaranteed.
NO JUDGEMENT HERE. THAT WILL JUST GET IN THE WAY. GENTLENESS AND COMPASSION FOR A CONDITION i NEVER CHOSE AND NEVER WANTED BUT I HAVE.

CASACERA
BK same and fine

1/2 hour walk in the soft ground cemetery. My late husband's ashes are around this big tree at the far end. I go and lean against it and talk to him like he's there. Great guy. Miss him. But everyone has a story about him and they're fun, laughing stories. Quite a special character. Current hubby knew him pretty well. Have to wait till noon for lunch. Already pick up my excitement at the very thought of planning and fixing and then finally eating. Then I'm transported. One therapist said to me. "CC, when you eat you're in an altered state". Sure am.That's why it's hard to leave my food la-la land. But when it's over and my food addicted voice says to continue, in a mini-second I have a choice. And by coming here even if I don't say it , I'm saying HELP!

CASACERA
lunch fine but

still want to eat slower...this "getting it all in" I feel my ravenousness, like someone is gonna take it away. Voice "you should have eaten a little less" portion wise. The judgement. Wanted to continued. Propaganda wanted me to continue. Had to almost drag myself from the table. Even hubby's wonderful kisses, while this incredible pull to eat envelopes me. Nobody really knows how powerful this is and how much it took to leave the table. This is what I hate, this addiction. Understanding all the why's never changed anything but just being here I can feel the food drive lessening. I'm hoping that in time as I'm here on the forum longer they'll be continued improvement. It has happened before. Wouldn't that be wonderful?