National Eating Disorders Association

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Just a heads up, this is a pretty negative post.
It’s not until I’m staying here at the house by myself at night that I realize just how bad my ptsd is. It’s so much worse when I’m alone at night. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually wish my mom was here. Granted, with a high crime rate being cautious is reasonable, but this is more than that and comes from an experience I had a couple years ago. This is the first time I’ve stayed alone overnight since that event happened. Everything was fine until I couldn’t find a pair of slippers I just had on. I’ve never lost shoes in the house, and I looked around the entire house four times at still can’t find them. So my stupid ptsd brain decides that someone must have broken in, but why would they take my stupid slippers??? Oh that must mean it’s a specific person whose sole intention from past experience is to frighten and threaten and harm me. That is totally something this person would do!!!! I’m terrified now.
That’s what my ptsd brain does. I know rationally the facts are I haven’t been contacted by this person in two years (that I know of) and my slippers are probably somewhere in the house and I’ll find them in coming days, and my brain is piecing a past experience and coincidence together and it’s making me feel terrified. Knowing this information doesn’t make me feel better, but it keeps me from having an external freak out. I can try to read or play a game on my phone to calm myself enough that I will hopefully sleep tonight. Because every little noise, like how the house makes normal ‘popping’ sounds I never think twice of is scaring me.

I’m just really disheartened that my mental illness is a lot worse than I thought it was. Even doing a couple extra day to day tasks that my parents normally do feels exhausting. I’ve had to make things that are boring and not as balanced as I like to eat (but still fit my meal plan) because I don’t have the energy to really prepare something. And clearly my ptsd is caused by a lot more than just my childhood with my dad. Other events affect me a lot more than I had thought. Maybe this will never get better. I’ve been delusional thinking that it wasn’t this bad. I’ve only been managing it because my mom helps more than I realized or cared to admit.
The only good thing I have to update is that I’ve been able to stop self harming for two days (my therapist knows about it, I’m always honest with her) it’s not a common type of self harm but regardless I found that drawing on myself has helped me stop for two days now. It’s something that also helped when I stopped all other types of self harm five years ago.
I’m really sorry this was so negative

It's ok

Don't apologize for being negative. This is a support group. It's allowed to be negative from time to time. That's the whole point of this. I'm so sorry that you're struggling and I just encourage you to keep trying and things will improve. I have faith in you. And I know you have faith in God. Lean on him. He will get you through this. I wish I knew what else to say and hugs to you and many prayers for you.

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