National Eating Disorders Association

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I’ve had a really weird day. So I went out to eat lunch with my parents. I took my anxiety medication before hand, it’s as needed and the one med I take that I learned the consequences of mixing with alcohol a while back. I’ve never done it since that day. So obliviously, I intended not to have a drink at lunch. But my mom had one. And said, oh this doesn’t seem that strong, it should be okay. Which is WEIRD because she’s normally the complete opposite about me drinking in general as I’m in recovery from a drug addiction and my dad and his side of the family are/were addicts and alcoholics. She always voices loudly and clearly that she thinks I shouldn’t drink. So this took me by surprise.
The reason I took my anxiety medication before we went was because my ptsd was triggered. Between all of that, I went ahead and had a drink. Came home, took a nap that lasted hours, barely recall this afternoon at all. I felt warm and happy and in minimal pain (the anxiety medication helps muscle spasms), went to sleep. Then when I woke up, my depression was worse, I’m upset in general and in so much pain. Normally I don’t feel sorry for myself with pain, but I guess I was just expecting to not wake up in pain as I wasn’t thinking clearly. So once again, I did sometime with substances that I knew I shouldn’t, and ended up also more depressed and moody. The last time I abused substances was under extreme circumstances and I forgave myself for that. This wasn’t the same at all, I should have been more responsible. And the worst part, is that what’s making my mood so awful right now is I just want to feel that fake warm/happy feeling and not in agonizing pain for once that I felt this afternoon. so iwanttolive, you were for sure right that drinking once makes me think about doing so again. I didn’t use ed behaviors but in the rest of my recovery I feel like a failure


<p>Hi. I am sorry that you had to go through all of that. It does seem strange that your mother would invite you to have a drink. And then your father encouraging other drug usage. I don't know. I think that it is just so strange that this is happening. There must be something going on within them that is causing them to need to numb out as they are dealing with painful emotions but to invite you to join them just seems off. Perhaps you can discuss this with your therapist? As for feeling like a failure, I understand why you may feel that way. But the word "feel" like... a feeling is just that. A feeling. And I am not trying to take away how you feel. I am just wanting to help dissect the word feel for a second. It is an emotion. Emotions are not always based in reality. You told me a few days ago that my "feeling" ugly had more to do with what has been going on in my life and feeling, again, feeling out of sorts, that I put the emphasis on how I looked and believed and felt...ugly. So you feel like a failure. You had a drink. One drink. And with what happened with your father, which you already forgave yourself. Can you list all the ways you have been doing well? What you have accomplished in recent months? How you haven't been using eating disorder behaviors? That is huge. Can you think of other things you've done, standing up for yourself with your Mom and saying it was up to her if she chose not to go and see your Papa? Can you make that list and then say yea, I messed up. I didn't use my wise mind and made a few poor choices. But I ask, does that make you a failure? I will let decide. I think you are brave. That you have made such strides in your recovery. That you went to see you grandfather knowing how difficult it would be. That you are capable of love. That you are a warrior and are doing what you need to do to live with such severe pain. That you give of yourself to many on this forum. There is so much more to your process and journey than these past few weeks. When we fall down we get back up, like the weeble wobbles. They weeble but they don't fall down. Learn from what you experienced these past few weeks.</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>I am really sorry you are feeling depressed.&nbsp; Also, since you opened the door to the substances, you can close it in the spiritual world, and replace it with a postive scripture or something to replace the door that you close spiritually.&nbsp; This will help keep your mind clear and focused.&nbsp; And know that Jesus loves you just as much as He did before you did any of the things you did.&nbsp; You are loved with an everlasting love.</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>Your friend.</p>

Bible story

There's a story in the Bible in the record of the Kings that reminds me of God's forgiveness and how gigantic it is. Wicked King Manasseh. His wickedness was so great and he worshipped on the high places which was abominable and something that God did not approve of. He worshipped false gods. He sacrificed his children to these false gods. He did things on a grand scale that were absolutely awful and God was furious with him because of his blatant disregard for God's laws. So God punished him rightly. And God also forgave him because Manasseh humbled himself. Manasseh realize the errors of his ways and begged forgiveness and turned around and ended up teaching his grandson Josiah all the right ways and to follow Jehovah God and to teach him to do everything that Jehovah God told him to do and only to follow Jehovah. Moral of the story - when we do things that we know are wrong and then realize it later , as long as we are still trying, and we try to do better , and we learn from it, God forgives us, so what right do we have to hang on to not forgiving ourselves? I hope this gives you a little bit of encouragement because I understand because I struggle with the same thing quite often. I can forgive others in a heartbeat and I have the hardest time forgiving myself when I make the slightest mistake. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this experience and I'm here to support you.

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