National Eating Disorders Association

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Out of my depth

I have been trying to recover for a number of years, Anorexia and have been through many inpatient admissions.
I’m struggling at the moment and it is gaining momentum. The difference and also problem this time though is that I know the things that I’m using to distract myself are unhelpful. I have this level of awareness that I’m moving away from where I want and have worked so hard to be.
I’ve managed to ask for help a few times but when it is extended to me I retreat or miss appointments, ignore calls and pretend I’m ok. I know this is unhelpful but I’m so overwhelmed by change and how uncomfortable and hard I know it is. I can’t take that step I don’t want to admit I’m not in control but I do want help. All the back and fro with asking and retracting scares me that if I’m finally brave enough to follow through that I will have pushed everyone away and I’ll have no one to help me.


Hi. I am glad you reached out for support. I too had many inpatient hospitalizations and day programs. I was afraid to live in the real world. I am now recovered and am at a good weight and happy for the first time in my life, but not void of difficulties. No one ever is. Do you know what is holding you back, keeping you from getting the help? I know many are afraid to gain weight, I was. But once I gained and kept it on, and accepted the new me, I was able to finally let go of the unrealistic size and numbers I thought would bring me happiness. Those were all lies. I had to begin to face my fears and after a lot of hard work, and laying the control at the feet of Jesus and allowing Him to help me, letting go of the control, I am living free from the fear of food and weight and numbers. I say all this to help you understand that after all those years I spent hiding, I had to eventually face my fears and when new ones come up face them with the help of my Savior first and my parents and friends help too. Now that I let go of the need and the lie that weighing a certain amount would make me happy, I am happy.

For you, if you can identify the lie that the eating disorder is telling you, the false promises it is telling you it offers, what is hiding beneath the fear of gaining weight and being able to deal with it with help and support, you may find you will be able to accept help and know that recovery is possible and so much better than living in fear and pain and suffering every day. There is Hope and help is available to you. Grab a hold of it, deal with whatever pain is causing you to "need" the eating disorder and know that you can get better and live a more fulfilling life. I am not saying this will be easy, only that it is possible. For me, it came when I finally surrendered my fears to Jesus and asked Him to help me face them without using behaviors. I did and He is. I hope this helped some. Let me know if something I said was helpful and then maybe if you want we can post about it more. Take care,

iwanttolive and I am