National Eating Disorders Association

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jordanh
i’m terrified to gai weight

hi. okay, warning, this is going to be pretty long, i’m really sorry. so, in 14, a female, and i used to be pretty heavily overweight. i hated how i looked and in august of 2018 i started trying to lose weight. at first it was going really good and i lost some weight. but i kept going. i restricted. i lost weight again and i still wasn’t satisfied. so i decided to eat less. i lost more weight which i know isn’t even bad for someone suffering from what i am: i rationalized that i’ve seen people with anorexia or other ED’s who look so much skinnier and even though i wouldn’t admit it, i was jealous of the fact that they were so skinny (which i know is super disrespectful and not ok). my parents were getting worried but i really didn’t think anything was wrong. my mom started crying and talking about how she couldn’t afford to send me to a recovery program but she would if she had to. so i went back up to X calories. since then, i’ve gained some weight, which i hate. i hate how i look. and i think deep down i realize that i’m probably not fat, anytime i get up to do something i look in the mirror and just look at how disgusting i look. recently, i’ve been eating quite a lot, but every single time i eat i hate myself. i know that it’s good that i’m eating, but every time i do all i can think is that i’ll gain back all the weight, and i cannot go back to being fat. i just want to eat like a normal person and be okay with it. if you e read all of that, first off, i’m sorry, and second, if you could offer some advice i would really appreciate it.

thank you, Jordan

_admin_moderator
Dear jordanh, we are writing

Dear jordanh, we are writing to let you know that we edited your post to remove language about weight numbers and calories, which are not allowed on the forums. You can review our community guidelines here. Thanks for your understanding and please keep posting! 

alwaysthinking
Advice

Don't really have any advice just a question. Why do you fear gaining weight? If you can get to the root of that that might help you know how to help yourself. I understand though because I am terrified as well. I know my reason it doesn't make it any easier. Just know that I'm here for you I feel for you and you probably should go to a doctor to see if they think you need treatment. Feel free to keep posting about your feelings about what's going on Etc

jordanh
i don’t know, i think it’s

i don’t know, i think it’s just because i was so unhappy with how i looked. sometimes i think i’m making up feeling like this and i’m just doing it for attention.

alwaysthinking
Doubtful

Somehow I doubt that you're making this up and that it's for attention. Maybe some part of you is wanting attention and you utilize the eating disorder to get attention, and it's probably not the underlying issue. I think once you are able to examine what the real issue is it can help you begin to work on it and improve. Do you have a therapist? This is something that you could both work on and investigate and try to make it better. Even if you don't have a therapist, if you have a psychiatrist hopefully he or she is the type of person that is willing to talk about stuff as well. Just ideas. Hope things are going better for you today. Keep us posted as to how you're feeling.