National Eating Disorders Association

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nela2012
My story

I never thought I had an eating disorder, because the only eating disorders I knew about were anorexia and bulimia. For me personally, I don't worry too much about my weight, however my relationship with eating food in general is very very difficult. I get terrible anxiety just thinking about going out to dinner with acquaintances or even relatives that are not my immediate family. I don't even know how to explain it but something about eating a full meal just makes me worried and I start to feel sick or nauseous so I can never finish a full meal. It used to be a lot worse for me where I would get scared of choking on my food or having an allergic reaction to new foods. I know it is irrational but eventually I just had to start eating more anyways because I was getting so weak and tired all the time. My stomach would hurt so bad and I would get dizzy if I didn't eat. Now, I physically am capable of eating, but before, I literally could not. Now, it's still difficult for me because I get so anxious eating around people. In school, when I have to eat my lunches, I eat painfully slow and always think that someone is watching or judging how I eat. I avoid messy foods because I don't want to embarrass myself in front of people. I get major anxiety just imagining a situation like a first date, where I would have to go get dinner with a guy I like. I just get nauseous because I'm so anxious about these little things and it literally stops me from eating. I'm reading over my blog post right now and it seems so irrational, and the reasoning I'm giving for not wanting to eat because of being embarrassed just sounds so stupid, but for some reason it's just ingrained in my head. Clearly, my disordered eating has something to do with my anxiety because I just overanalyze all situations in my life like eating in social situations. I don't feel like I can talk to my parents or even my friends about it because they will judge me or think I'm weird. Or worse, my parents might get really concerned about me and I don't want to worry them. So, I'm too scared to see a doctor and I don't know what to do at this point. Eating has become a chore for me rather than something you're supposed to indulge and enjoy with other people. I honestly don't know what to do but I want to get better because this disorder is stopping me from spending time with people and growing as a person. I actually love who I am and I think I have a great personality but I get so worried and scared about these things, and at this point I'm used to either eating alone in my room or avoiding food until I can come home and eat by myself. Any advice?

_admin_moderator
Dear nela2012, we would like

Dear nela2012, we would like to let you know that we edited your post to remove descriptions of disordered eating behaviors, which are not allowed on the forums. You can review our community guidelines here. Thanks for your understanding and please continue posting! 

alwaysthinking
Doctor

Definitely try to find the courage to go to a doctor because he or she is going to be able to give you the best help. The other thing I suggest is to try to think of food as medicine. It's something that you have to take on a regular basis or you're going to get sick. This is what my therapist has told me because I personally hate food. I would not eat ever if I had an option. So until I can have a better relationship with food and get to a point where I actually enjoy eating, I have to think of it as medicine that is necessary to take, 6 times a day. It's part of my doctor's orders. I hope someday I won't have to think of it this way and I actually enjoy it and until then it's medicine. I do encourage you however to find the courage to consult a doctor and or a therapist. And feel free to keep posting on here sharing your feelings your struggles and anything else that's on your mind.

lovetowrite81
Nela2012

Hi Nela2012-

I'm glad you reached out for support on the forums! Anxiety can manifest in so many ways- and I can relate in that for me, my ED has been less about body image/weight as it has been connected to anxiety. You mention feeling like your concerns are stupid and irrational- anxiety is often not rational but what you are going through is valid- even if others might not understand. I know for me, therapy was key in beginning to address the underlying issues/anxieties/fears that were driving my disordered eating behaviors. I know you mentioned feeling worried about letting others knowing what is going on or seeking help- would there be anyone you would feel comfortable talking to? In the mean-time, I hope you'll continue posting and keep us posted on how you're doing <3 And know that you're not alone!

Planteater
You are not alone

Nela2012,
I completely understand. That is how my issues with food first started, I just hope you know that you are not alone. I would also say to seek some help from either a therapist or a doctor. Anxiety is terrible to deal with, especially when you are dealing with it without the help of loved ones. If there is someone that you trust it could help to open up and have an honest conversation about what you are facing.
I encourage you to continue to post on here, for me it has been extremely helpful and I hope it can be helpful for you too.

april20
me too

Wow, i thought it was just me nela2012. I am currently just about to be in a relationship with this really sweet guy I've liked and been friends with for the past three years. Eating with him is very difficult. It's something we kind of laugh and "joke" about all the time. I've realized that since I've been with him I've never once finished a real meal. It's always barely even enough. We have been getting much, much closer these past few months and that's when he started to notice it. His whole family kinda knows now, especially after just going out to dinner all together just the other day where I barely even had anything and breakfast a couple days before that where it was the same. I don't think they're taking it seriously but I hate that I can't just try, you know? For him. He tries to get me to eat more but i just can't. I'm frustrated at myself for not being able to try hard enough. For the past three years I have been trying to figure out if this thing is an eating disorder or if it's, like you said, me overthinking it too much. I always get so much anxiety any time food is mentioned and it is a constant struggle. Am I just a picky eater or is it something more? How much is too little? My friend isn't hungry so that means it's okay for me not to be too right? Even though I haven't eaten all day. It's never been about weight with me either, yet I still care so much and i don't know why. One of my closest friends knows about me having a problem after a very bad point that it got to once where i desperately needed a friend about a year ago. She really helped me get through it and though I try not to mention that the problem still hasn't gone away yet I . think she knows. Something tells me your friends won't judge you and they'll really hear you out and be able to help you. It is not easy going through it alone. You need someone to help you and hold you accountable because this problem is very easy to hide and manipulate both youself and others around you. You need someone to call you out on it. I suggest you tell the closest person to you. Trust me, you will feel so much better