National Eating Disorders Association

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Starry55
I hate to be obsessing over two things

There is hectic for me for a while, but I hate to be obsessing over the scale and counting the calories all times, more as every day. I don't want to influence my twin if she caught me so I had to take the scale when she doesn't see or I would get up early before her to check the scale every day. So I'm very drastic. And my family had no ideas that I do count calories, so I do chew and spit after I eat something to the front of my family but I had a paper towel with me when I go to my room. It got me mixed feelings, like reliving and guilty same time.

I had to put my smile face when one of my family members told me that I'm looking great to lose the weight, I know she is praising me but she don't know how I felt, somehow I need to address with this, because I knew that I put myself in danger and I don't want to damage my body. There is conflicting in my mind because there is praising about losing weight that made me keep it going what I do. Same time I want to move on to working on the recovery because I'm tired to do myself. I need to venting my feelings. It is really frustrating and sucks for this happening.

s.boewer
Sorry

Sorry you are stuck in a cycle of worrying, weighing, and counting, that is a difficult place to be mentally. It sounded like you are contemplating disclosing your struggle with the family member who praised you for losing weight, that sounds like a wise choice if you feel you will be supported. Perhaps you can get counseling to address the behaviors head on, and stop this disease before you waste many years secretly suffering. It always starts innocently enough, with some weight loss, a little restricting, counting, and then before long you are spitting food out, hiding behaviors from family, and losing too much weight. It sounds like you are already beyond the innocent weight loss phase already, and I hope you ask for help before you really damage your body. I got counseling and went to OA 12-step meetings, and am free of restrictive eating after 34 years of a variety of eating disorder issues. You don't have to waste the many years I wasted if you choose now to get help with the core issues that drive your ED compulsions. So I am glad you posted here for support, your pain is understood, and you are cared for on this forum. I encourage you to ask for help from a professional, and let those who love you know what is going on to stop the momentum of your ED now. Post again and update us on your well being and your plan to deal with this disorder. Take care:)

Starry55
Updated

I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. Today, my family ordered foods from takeout, when they said takeout, my mind started scrambling as think about count the calories or how much calories and increased the fear of gain the weight. So I told them I dont want to anything from takeout. I'm focusing on my routine, what I make food to eat, and they never suspect of that. Basically they never noticed what I eat. They thought i made something to eat but they have no idea what I done.

I just dont wait to hear the praises about lost weight while I'm struggling with my eating disorder, it will be triggering me. I just want my mom understand but she dont see how to feel or understand about that and my coping mechanism daily. I dont feel enough support.

I'm trying to search a treatment or something but I cant afford to pay that or counseling. I dont know what else to do. I cant pay anything to help myself to get better. It is too hard.