National Eating Disorders Association

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JJ-letsdoit
new-here-newly-married

Hi all, I met my wife about 2 years ago and while dating she confessed to me that she has bullimia.
We are both in our mid 50s and she has ED (we call it like that) since she was about 17 years old.
She also confessed to me that she still very often binge and purge.
Of course one of the 1st things I’ve done is to, after reinsuring her that I do love her and i do want to spend the rest of my life with her, read about bullimia and educate myself a lot.
We have a long distance relationship, it’s about a 5 h away door to door and she has 3 teenage kids at home, I don’t have a kid.

We got engaged and got married with her parents blessing, but many people on her side know about it because of some other issues going on.
During these last 2 years, she often distanced herself from me telling me how unperfect she is and how i desserve someone “normal” because I’m a normal guy, but we generally resolve it talking. One of the underlying issues, is that she is terrified to lose me, because of all the associated weights with her life and the ED and she often thinks that it is too much for me and that she does not desserve me. My response is always the same and it’s we will work on a better future together.

Of course i studied ED recovery and read many many articles and forums and came across some studies and books.
We eventually talked about it and she agreed to work toward recovery with me trying structured eating, in parallel i looked for an ED recovery center and called some and eventually got her an appointment, few months from now.

However, lately she has been under more stress and deeply feel sad about not being the best wife for me and this is something that she thinks often and often and is gaining some traction.

I’m trying to help her the best i can and truly want her to recover from ED because i know that many aspects of her life will fall in place after recovery.
We both know that recovery will be slow and full of bumps and maybe relapses but we also know that this is the best possible direction.

I’m afraid that she is still too afraid about a new life, because after all she is pretty comfy with ED, yet suffers a lot from it.

Any advices will be like super helpful, maybe there is something i can’t see maybe someone went through a smiliar story, of course i know all stories are different but i also know from reading that there are so many aspects of ED that are carried across all with ED, after all, it is possible that common causes will generate common effects, i need to find ways for my wife to have a better life, best with me of course.

Thanks all

_admin_moderator
Hello JJ, and welcome to the

Hello JJ, and welcome to the forums. We are glad you are here looking for support and educating yourself on how to help your wife. You can contact NEDA as you need to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of her. Self care is vital. Please keep us posted on how you and your wife are doing.NEDA Contact:
Helpline 1-800-931-2237
Chat at www.myneda.org
Text "NEDA" to 741741

BobJ48
Hello JJ.

JJ,

You wrote :

"...she often distanced herself from me telling me how unperfect she is and how i deserve someone “normal” because I’m a normal guy,….One of the underlying issues, is that she is terrified to lose me, because of all the associated weights with her life and the ED and she often thinks that it is too much for me and that she does not deserve me. "

This "unworthiness" feeling is VERY common among people with eating disorders. They don't deserve the care of others, for different reasons they don't deserve treatment - They can feel undeserving, and "not good enough" in so many ways !

You are doing a good job of telling her that she is good enough for you…now her task will be to start believing that she is good enough for herself. I often tell people that while they may have many self-doubts, it is also possible that they are a good person. A good person with a good and kind heart.

Because this is something which actually might be possible. Even if they have a hard time believing it , it is still something which might be possible.

This is something which they should think about, I believe. We can tell them that ourselves, but they will need to reach a point where they can tell themselves that too. Not that they will believe it right now, but just the fact that it could be possible.

Also, I hope you can believe for yourself that you are doing a good job, because I do think you are. Not that many men would take the time to do all the reading, and fewer would take the time to write on a forum like this one.

So I hope you can have faith in yourself as well.

B J