National Eating Disorders Association

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Savedbygrace
Imstillgrowing

Hey there,
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How is your faith doing? Praying for you. How have your symptoms been?

imstillgrowing
Hi Savedbygrace. Symptoms

Hi Savedbygrace. Symptoms have been pretty strong. I think I'm relapsing. I'm counting calories again and skipping meals and eating a very limited amount of calories. I just ate dinner with my sister and had my first real meal in a couple days and I so regret it now. I desperately want to purge. I restricted a lot until dinner and I feel weak for eating a real meal. I don't know what's wrong with me! My faith is also still pretty shaky. I read from Hebrews last night and I really liked that. God just feels really distant right now. I don't know what came first--God feeling distant or the lapse in my recovery. And the scary thing is that I don't care right now. I don't care about recovery. I want to lose weight and be sick. Why in the world do I want that? There's so much I want to do in life. Why am I getting stuck in this again??
I turn 22 this month and am sad that I might be spending another birthday fighting with myself.
How are you?

Savedbygrace
Hey there

First, I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I know from experience if the eating disorder is already something really difficult to handle without the stress of home work, it's next to impossible to get through school and stay healthy.
I am really struggling with using symptoms. I purge almost daily and although I eat, I barely eat anything. Today I had 4 bites of something healthy at the movies but I'm still feeling super guilty.

imstillgrowing
I’m sorry you’re struggling

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this still :( I’m really confused right now. I feel like I’m choosing a lifestyle of sin by acting on behaviors. I feel God is really disappointed in me and that I brought this on myself. I feel like I made this so huge in my head and that it’s my fault. Why don’t I just follow my meal plan and eat? I see my counselor tomorrow and I don’t want to tell her I haven’t been doing well the last week.

Savedbygrace
Thank you

First, know I always enjoy hearing from you and what's going on with you. You matter to me for just being you.
I know from experience that keeping any kind of secret eats you up inside. You won't beat yourself up for telling the truth. The guilt always feels worse when keeping secrets. I know it's scary, so maybe write out what's you've been struggling with in case you can't find your voice. You probably know your therapist is there to support you. What is making you consider keeping your struggles to yourself? All of this is hard because eating disorders are mental illnesses.
No matter what, GOD loves you. HE knows your struggles and is sitting with you with HIS arms open to hold and care for you.
Psalm 139 is a great passage to read to get an idea of how beautiful you are and how much you matter.
I've been trying to find a therapist for the past 2 years.

imstillgrowing
Savedbygrace

Thank you, your words mean so much. To know I’m valued to someone who I’ve never met in person is something I really treasure. I think why I don’t want to tell her is then she’ll motivate me to change and tell me to follow my meal plan but I don’t want to do that right now. I’m findjng a sick comfort in my behaviors and am obsessed with losing weight. I feel empowered. I know it’s fake empowerment, and not lasting, but I can’t convince myself of that. I think I will write it out. That’s a really good idea. I’ll read Psalm 139 tonight. Thank you for reminding me of my worth in God’s eyes. It’s so hard to believe, but I know God’s Word is true and I will stand on that today. Even when I feel like I’m sinking.
Finding a therapist can be so hard! I worked with one therapist last year for like 6-7 months and it just didn’t work. We couldn’t connect. That was so frustrating to me but I didn’t want to get a new therapist. I’m really thankful I did, as I really connect with the one I have now. I will be praying you find a therapist that is the perfect fit for you :) also still praying you’ll get to go to residential soon.

Savedbygrace
You're very welcome

Unfortunately, part of the disease is thinking we're safe with our eating disorders. It's like a friend who has been there for us, comforting us, when maybe no one else was, and it will always be there for us. It's something we can always count to be there. I think that's why it's so hard not to go back when things are hard.
Maybe you can tell your therapist why you don't want to open up about struggling right now. I also think, as a lot of us feel like once we're on the road to recovery, we can't let the people in our lives down by admitting we're slipping until it gets to the point where we are in need of treatment, and then we feel like we've failed all over again. I know that's how I am. I feel like a disappointment when it's been a while and then I start struggling again.
I appreciate your prayers. I can use all the prayers I can get. I'm praying for you too. Let me know how everything goes with your therapist.

imstillgrowing
Savedbygrace

You are so right, I’m so afraid of disappointing my family. I am so afraid of appearing weak. I’m so afraid that my mom will be upset with me. How do you cope with these things? What made you decide it was time to pursue residential treatment? I don’t know if I’ll ever believe I need residential. I also don’t want to bring up the subject again as my mom was very upset when my dietician and I were discussing it in April. I also don’t want to spend the money on it, as my mom said it would come out of the inheritance my grandmother left me, and that’s not exactly what I want to use that money for haha. We don’t have typical insurance so residential wouldn’t be covered for me. Mostly I just wouldn’t want to talk to my mom about it and I don’t want to disappoint people. But last April when my dietician and I were discussing it I felt like it was the right thing to do. Then I couldn’t go. And although my eating habits got better over the summer, I turned to some self-harming behaviors. And now I’m resorting to the ED again. I just want to be over this. I want to be whole and healthy and move on in my life! But I also don’t want to let go of the ED. I don’t get it!

Savedbygrace
For me

I've actually been relapsing and going in and out of inpatient and residential for the past 2 years. Someone on here told me I was doing this basically for attention when in reality I'm not. I know I continually struggle because I still haven't dealt with the sexual things my dad did for about a decade because I haven't really had any professional support. I find I can't really do much to help others when I'm sick, and then I start relapsing because the flashbacks get way too intense and I am facing this alone.
Keep one thing in mind: this is a life and death illness. If you don't get the help you need and deserve, you'll slowly get worse and if this isn't treated, unfortunately you'll pass away, even if you think it really isn't that bad. Eating disorders have a way of playing with and distorting our minds into thinking we're not sick enough. I'm sure you could find hospitals that do accept your insurance. You are worth it to get help to save your life.
Please get the help you deserve.
In terms of how I deal, I talk about it with GOD everyday. That's all prayer is, telling GOD what's going on. I also come on here and talk to my husband. It is really lonely with nobody else, no friends.
I will be praying for you.

imstillgrowing
Savedbygrace

I'm sorry you've been relapsing so much. And I'm sorry that it was said that you were doing it for attention. That's not fair! I remember when you were having flashbacks a few months ago. Are you still having those? It sounds miserable.
You're right--it is a life and death illness. I'll be honest with my therapist tomorrow.
Thank you for your prayers :) Praying peace over you tonight.

Savedbygrace
You're very welcome

I sometimes have flashbacks, but they are fewer when I'm engaging in behaviors. I hope your appointment goes well today :-).

imstillgrowing
savedbygrace

Ugh, that must be so frustrating. Praying that the flashbacks go away. That must be so hard.
My appointment today went pretty well. I feel a lot better today. I'm still engaging in some behaviors, but not as many and not as strongly, if you get what I mean. I told my therapist some of what was going on the past few days, but I didn't tell her the whole story. This morning I felt a lot better so some of my thoughts from the past weekend weren't at the forefront of my mind. I'm still doing quite a bit better. We talked a lot about family dynamics and how I need to set some boundaries with my family. I did talk to her about how I've been romanticizing the ED and how frustrating that is for me, but she assured me that is part of the illness. It was good to talk to her and was not as scary as I was prepared for :) I talked to God for a long time last night, and I did feel His presence. I also read Psalm 139 and it was a great reminder and calmed my soul. I believe God is really going to reveal Himself to me all over again as I am struggling. Last year when I was pretty sick I had a really close relationship to God. That really shows that He is there despite what may be going on in my mind.
Thank you for your friendship. It means a lot :)

Savedbygrace
Imstillgrowi

It sounds like your appointment went well. It must have taken a lot to open up, so at least you're on the right track with your therapist. That's encouraging to hear. Flashbacks are always difficult to deal with.
I agree with your therapist in that you need to set boundaries with your family. I think you do too much, much more than you need to. It's ok to help out, but you shouldn't be the everyone relies on for everything. You have your own life and stressors to deal with without the burden and stressors and pressures to be any and everything to your family.
Family is important, but you'll end up being more useful by focusing on what you need.
Right now is a time for you to focus on yourself and your relationship with GOD and school.
I'm glad you enjoyed Psalm 139. It's been the verse I turn to the most.l

imstillgrowing
Dietician appointment

I just saw my dietician and now My anxiety is out the roof. I feel like I’ve been reprimanded. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight recently and she’s concerned. I don’t know what to do. She expects me to do a lot better this week and I’m feeling really conflicted. I’m proud of the weight loss and I want to continue losing. But I also don’t want to disappoint my dietician. And I don’t want to feel reprimanded again next week. I also didn’t tell her the full truth today and now I’m feeling really guilty. I’m thinking of sending her a message telling her the whole truth but I’m not sure. I don’t know what to do.

iwanttolive
imstillgrowing

Hi imstillgrowing. I am so sorry that you are struggling so much. I can say that I understand what you are going through because I went through it. The struggle with wanting to hold onto the eating disorder despite what God wanted for me. The fear of letting it go, the desire for being in control of what I did with food and my weight and my body. It was such a terrible existence. Fear was controlling my life. Every day. Fear. Fear that I was falling apart, that I was disappointing God, my parents and everyone in my life. Fear that I was never going to get better. Fear of getting better. Fear of staying sick. Fear of living. Fear of dying. It is a really scary place to be. I really understand what you are saying. I wish I could make it all better for you. I wish I had the magic words that would make it easier for you. All I know is that God understands you. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows your heart. Even when you are confused about your own heart, He knows the real heart. He understands your struggles. He experienced what you are going through when He hung on the cross. He knows exactly what you are going through. Talk to Him. Tell Him what you are feeling and thinking. He knows already but He wants to hear it from you. If you are unable to hold onto Him right now, He is holding onto you and won't let you go. He's got you. He loves you. Not based on what you do or don't do but on what He did. Our actions or inactions don't cause Him to love us more or less. He loves us perfectly because it is Who He is. This illness will do its best to destroy you. You have to make the decision not to allow it to. God gives us free will. There is the issue of mental illness, of the brain not working right when it is not nourished. Then there is the part of us that has to make choices. When we are able to. In those moments, we have the choice to choose life or death. I pray you choose life. That means following your meal plan no matter how difficult it is. God doesn't leave us alone to do the difficult things by ourselves. He helps us make the right decisions. He will sit right next to you as you eat. You aren't alone. He is with you, loving you. But you have to decide what you are going to do. I know this isn't an easy message. I want you to understand that I understand. I was ill for thirty plus years. I was in the hospital twenty seven times. I understand. Believe me. I wouldn't be taking the time to share like this if I didn't. But I also want you to know that we have to choose what voice we are going to listen to. Whose voice are you going to listen to? This doesn't mean perfection. It doesn't mean instant recovery. It is a daily walk. Making choices every day. We will make the wrong ones. We will make right ones. Recovery isn't a perfect journey. But it is a journey. Choose life tonight. He will help you with this choice. I care for you. I will pray that you sense God's presence with you. That you are able to make the difficult choices to choose life. I pray peace for you. That the battle isn't so strong. That you have good sleep. That you enjoy school. God bless you, my friend.

iwanttolive

imstillgrowing
iwanttolive

Thank you for this message. It really means a lot and I feel so cared for hear. I feel so lucky that I get to be surrounded by people that have been here and are walking alongside me. I really, really don't want to let go of the ED tonight. I hate that you had to go through this for so long, but am glad you can relate to me. It's such a frustrating place to be... wanting to be free but also wanting to stay stuck. I know it's not what I really want, but it's hard to convince my mind of that. I'm going to go talk to Jesus now. I really need Him :)
Tomorrow is a new day. Hope comes with the morning :) I pray I'll have the courage to fight the eating disorder tomorrow.
Blessings.