National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
being honest

Hi guys/gals. I am going to be open and vulnerable here about my eating disorder and why I held on to it for so long. I am afraid of growing up. Of being a true woman. I am 50 and still see myself as 10 because of the fear of being an adult. Now I no longer use behaviors. Even the overeating is slowing down a lot. But the fear of being a grown up and adult responsibilities and not looking my age and missing out on most developmental milestones because of my disorder and depression and many, many hospitals and therapies and programs has definitely halted my development. I am afraid to be involved in any type of relationship and will remain single until I die. I am a PG girl. I am terrified of being my age and no one has been able to help me with this. NO ONE. I get despondent over this. I think or I know that is where the behaviors kicked in. I am behavior free again going on two months I think. With the self harm. Longer with the anorexic behaviors. That is a few years. The bulimia is many years. The overeating is off and on. So much of an improvement when I was making no forward movement for decades. I am pleased with my progress but the issue that brought the behaviors on has not even been adequately addressed. I start with a new therapist and hopefully I can do some work with her. I tell people all the time, I am not my age. But no one really understands. Caged in a fifty year old child's body, mindset, emotion minded. It is very difficutl. Add to that my memory issues. At church yesterday a lovely lady was so happy to see me said how good I looked and how she remembers praying for hours on the phone one night with me. I have zero recolection of who she is. Even with prompts. So I am going to call her to tell her again that I don't know who she is. It has happened before, this I do remember.

SO, in being honest, maybe others can tell of thier experiences of fear of growing up, missing out on milestones, developmentally, or not. But I would like to hear if others feel the way I do. I am growing out of symptom usage. Great. But the problem has not been fixed. So what is next?

iwanttolive

iwanttolive
help

Hi, I am sorry but I really need some feedback to my post. If anyone out there has anything to say to encourage me or have a similar situation I would appreciate some support. I said I was afraid to be a woman. I am fully female. I am not afraid of that. I don't think. It is being identified as a woman. That scares me and I don't think I am one but I am fifty. So logic would say I am. I don't want to be anything else. Why am I so afraid of this and why has no one been able to help me after all these years? I am coming along with my eating. I have been gaining unnecessarily and am upset but saw my nutritionist today and we have a game plan. It will require more work on my part but I am ready. Just because I am no longer afraid to eat doesn't give me license to eat whatever I want whenever I want. I now need to harness the eating and make it a healthy thing and balance out the nutrition, which is difficult for me. So it was a difficult day at the nutritionists office. I still do not want to equate my body size with my worth and I refuse to do so, it just gets me down sometimes. I am working on changing things in many areas of my life and meals are one of them.

So if anyone relates to the previous, I could really use some encouragement. Thanks.
iwanttolive

julesthefox
As far as “being a woman”,

As far as “being a woman”, you don’t have to conform to what society deems “normal”. That’s shifting more and more every day. I have lots of friends who identify as non-binary. I have a lot of friends who identify as asexual. Everything exists on a spectrum. Just find a place you feel comfortable in, and be confident in that! No matter how you identify, you are you. You are worthy. And that is more than enough. <3

iwanttolive
julesthefox

Thanks for the feed back. I identify as being a woman. I am just afraid of it. I am afraid of being an adult. But thank you for responding to my posts. I hope you have a nice day.

hermione3
I am also afraid of being an

I am also afraid of being an adult I didn't know how to respond to this but I have similar feelings. I don't have advice really but its something I have to work on too its like being an adult means something and I am not sure what granted I realize I am one and have the responsibilities i think that is in part why i stayed sick to stay small and to stay childlike...i do fear really being and adult...

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi thanks for responding with your experience. Now we have to figure out what to do. It has been with me all my life. I just met with a new therapist tonight and hope and pray she can help me. I am no longer small and childlike in appearance but I most certainly don't look fifty. More like thirty. And I feel like ten. Has anyone been able to help you with this issue, which I think is a problem for many who have anorexia. Keeping our bodies in a pre-grown-up state.

I hope you can get some freedom, me too. Thank you for your vulnerability and responding. It means a lot to me.
iwanttolive

cmmesh
Sharing and leaning on friends

The one thing I learned from my eating disorder is that it is nice, feels right and rewarding to lean on other people when you're down. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time but thank you for sharing. Maybe you'll give someone else the courage to share as well. As far as healing, one thing I wish I could tell younger self is to appreciate the healing power of the arts. Try drawing or going to plays, movies, art galleries to get some peace in your life. Better yet, go with a friend to the art events, or draw a friend. You can lean on people here as well! hugs!

Also, treat your body. Maybe you'll feel a little better about eating if you take some time to pamper yourself with manicures, baths, facemasks and your favorite music!

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