National Eating Disorders Association

3 posts / 0 new
Last post
Am I at fault, am I the root of the problem. Scared and alone

I have been with my wife for over 9 years now. She suffers of ED
Was also an excessive alcohol drinker at night which lead to what I called black outs and eventual physical attacks on me along with heavy emotional put downs of who I am and my character. The drinking has since stop after neighbors called police on the screaming he heard. I kept my mouth shut and allowed them to take me so my children’s mom and my wife wouldn’t have to be in jail. Of course there was no case against me so I just had spend night in jail. I am thankful because that was a rock bottom catalyst to have her give up drinking. However she has suffered with ed since her preteens. I have tried do my best to educate myself, be patient, be understanding. I have had limited people to talk to because it must remain a seceret and no one that has any experience with ED. I know I haven’t done the best at it by far. I suffer from depression based off abandonment and not good enough created during my adolescence. Everything I’ve read talks about possibilities of sufferers of ed also displaying narcissistic behaviors, controlling people mood swings anger. Our relationship has been extremely rocky and unhealthy. I’ve spent a better part of it in fear of her leaving me. Based off her always telling me she is or we need to split up or be done. It’s not working for me anymore etc. Of course it hurts me to the bone because I’m afraid of abandonment and losing her. She controls and questions everywhere I go, how long I’m gone. Makes accusations about every female coworker I’ve had. Gets extremely anger when I try to share my feelings or talk about my depression. I really confused because she blames me for almost everything, uses things against me for months until something else happens. I’ve almost always believed and felt like I’m the problem in the marriage and was responsible to be one to apologize or beg for forgiveness. I go to regular counseling, on medication for mood depression. But nothing has changed at home. I seriously feel like my wife hates me completely in and out. I don’t want to give in give up. I don’t know how to help her, nothing I do is good enough for her. She doesn’t listen to me, criticizing her for actions is big no no. Just makes everything worse. I love her so much but truth is I’m scared to death of her. And she pregnant now with our 2nd child. We have 3 kids in home. I feel like she manipulates the children against me.
Am I to blame, am I wrong, we are so close to complete separation. Do I just once again break down take responsibility’s and smooth over things to keep family together until next blowup?? I have no one that understands to talk too. I feel all alone. Help please. I hope this isn’t a trigger message or offensive . This just what I see and experience in this marriage. Is their hope


"I really confused because she blames me for almost everything, uses things against me for months until something else happens. I’ve almost always believed and felt like I’m the problem in the marriage and was responsible to be one to apologize or beg for forgiveness. "

Except everything isn't you fault.

So yes, what's her situation ? People with eating disorders can indeed be irritable and cranky, but somehow this seems like something more than that. And why should she be treating you in such an abusive and dismissive manner ? Imagine if the tables were turned, and you were treating her the way she treats you. I suspect people would not hesitate to call you abusive.

What does your counsellor have to say about this ? Because from what you've said, nothing about the situation or her behavior towards you seems to be changing. Plus all the walking on eggshells that you find yourself doing. People get depression it's true, but it's hard to see how her behavior towards you helps with any of that.

You mentioned that she keeps talking about leaving, but really, marriages are supposed to be loving, and where each member supports the other in emotional ways, and it sounds like neither of you are getting any of that.

As you said, people with eating disorders can display other sorts of emotional behaviors too, so it's possible that there's something more than just an eating disorder going on. Has your counsellor mentioned the possibility that she may have a personality disorder ? Whatever the case, the ways in which she treats you sound unjustified and intolerable, and as though she's playing on your apparent willingness to take responsibility for everything as an attempt to try and smooth things over and avoid abandonment. A strategy which doesn't seem to be working in any sort of lasting or permanent way.

So yes, things do sound just as bad as you say that they are. And that you don't deserve her treatment towards you, no matter how she may try and twist things around.

It's good that she took the step to stop drinking, but it sounds like she'll need to take some other steps too, and begin to address her own contributions to the chaos of your relationship, before either of you can expect to see things getting better.

What is your counsellor saying about this ? Are they offering any suggestions as to how the situation may need to be addressed ?

Keep writing ?

This is abusive and toxic relationship

To be honest, I grew up in an alcoholic household, in an environment like this. It will only get worse if you don't leave. You say you love her, but her abuse is not something someone who loves you does. I know you say she stopped drinking, but how do you know she's not hiding it? I know in abusive relationships, the abuse escalates to being physical. And even if you think you're hiding it from the kids, they are still witnessing it. I know there are shelters you can take you and your kids to in order to be safe. If you don't leave for yourself, please leave to spare your kids from witnessing worse things down the road.
You don't deserve this treatment. I'm sorry this is going on.