National Eating Disorders Association

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julesthefox
Dream

Last night, I had a dream I was back in the hospital. But...it wasn't a nightmare. In fact, it kind of felt like a relief. What's wrong with me?

lovetowrite81
Julesthefox

How are you feeling about the dream you had? You are fighting a disease that is not your fault- you did not choose it. There is nothing wrong with you. At the core, you are beautiful, valued, cherished <3 How have you been doing recently in your recovery? Hope to hear from you soon, I will be thinking about you.

julesthefox
Honestly...sometimes I do

Honestly...sometimes I do wish I was back in the hospital. As much as I hated it, I was safe there, and everything was controlled. There's also something really special about being around people who actually truly understand you and what you're going through. You share a connection that's beyond words. Sometimes I just feel so alone...
Thank you for your assurance and care. It means a lot to me. My recovery is at what seems like a standstill. I'm not getting worse, but I'm not getting better either. In fact, it's been a while since I've made any progress. I've been having a lot of thoughts and urges recently, and it's all I can do sometimes just to stay "stable". I know that part of that has to do with stress. It's also related to hopelessness. I don't see myself benefitting from getting better. Especially because I have chronic pain due to a condition I was born with. I just can't envision my life getting better, and that keeps me stuck.
I wish I had a support group or someone I could connect with and talk to here. I feel like I'm hiding from everyone because so few people know about what I struggle with. I just feel so stuck and alone.
I hope you're doing better than me. Your response really means a lot to me. Take care, you are loved and you are beautiful.
Julesthefox

lovetowrite81
Julesthefox

I can totally understand the longing for that safety and security of the hospital, as well as that understanding. Sometimes I feel so alone as well, and like I can't be truly known in all that I am and what I'm struggling with. Just know you are not alone-- and this community does understand. I do recognize that it's different to have that face-to-face interaction. Have you tried searching online for any support groups in the area? That's something I should really look into as well.
I'm sorry you are feeling stuck recently. That's so hard and I can definitely relate. Just want to encourage you that when we reach a plateau in recovery and sometimes it's all we can do to keep our heads above water. But I do believe that things will get better for you. Recovery is full of ups, downs, and periods of stagnancy. You are deserving of a future that includes full recovery. Even if it seems like things are hopeless, I want you to know that there is always hope. There is full recovery. Hang in there. Do the best you can where you are. Know that we are here and we care <3 Hope to hear from you again soon.

_admin_moderator
Hi Julesthefox, you can

Hi Julesthefox, you can always call our helpline at 1-800-931-2237 where our volunteers can search for support groups around you. 

justgina
julesthefox

Hey jules, I also want to add that I can totally relate. EDs are such a unique disorder, and so complex, and it can definitely feel like nobody can or will ever understand. I think local support groups, if available, would be a fantastic option. That's something I'm constantly on the lookout for, too! And of course, as you know, we are always here for you, but like lovetowrite said, there's something about being face-to-face that provides a little bit more intimacy than the internet can.

As much as you feel like you're at a standstill, you are STILL making progress! Every day in recovery is progress, and just because each day might look different does not mean you're stuck. You're so unbelievably strong and resilient. You just need to search for that motivation again! Think about what got you on track toward recovery in the first place, and return to that. You deserve a life free of these thoughts and urges, and I know you can achieve it. :)

julesthefox
Thank you. It means a lot

Thank you. It means a lot how much you all believe in me. I searched around for a while, but it looks like any support groups that are near me are too far away (I can't drive) or have since been disbanded. It's just so hard to feel so alone...I wish I could tell my friends, but I'm so scared. I'm scared they won't understand. I'm scared they'll think I have too many problems. I'm scared they'll treat me differently. I'm scared they'll leave... It's happened so many times before that I just can't tell people things anymore. And I end up alone anyway...
As far as being stuck goes, honestly it seems like the only real "hard resets" in my recovery to get me on the right path have been hospitalizations. I don't think I could do that again...especially as long as I'm "stable". I just remain stagnant; living the same day after day, alone, with no relief. I'm so resistant and afraid of change it's hard if not impossible to see another way, a way out

iwanttolive
julesthefox

Hi there,

I completely understand where you are at with wanting but fearing hospitalization. I just had a brief nine day stay due to safety and med changes. It is a place of people who understand, a break kind of. The fact that you are still trying means you are still in the process of recovery. The length of time doesn't matter so much as long as you keep trying. I know as I struggled for over thirty years, a plight I wish on no one. But I am in recovery, even though I had to go inpatient for nine days. I feel stronger in my faith and in my recovery.

I wish you the best and that you could know how much you are loved and cherished. You are never alone here. Know that. A brief stay in the hospital isn't defeat. It may be a part of your journey. Sometimes just having a break from the everyday routine can help. I am willing to "talk" with you and share with you. Just post and I will respond. I care about you, as do many here.

iwanttolive

iwanttolive
dream

About the dream, the reason you posted!!! Was it scary or comforting? I think you mentioned that it was comforting. Sometimes having someone take care of you can be comforting. Do you think it would be helpful? Please tell me more about the dream if you want to. I'd be interested. Thanks.

julesthefox
iwanttolive,

iwanttolive,
Your support, care, and kindness means more to me than I know how to say. You're always to compassionate and understanding. It means so much how much you care. It's hard for me to see most of the time that I am cared about by other people. Mostly because I don't feel like I deserve it. It means a lot to me how much you're here for me, especially during this hard, stuck time for me.
I hope you are doing well. I'm sorry you had to go into the hospital, but I'm so glad you did and were able to benefit so greatly. It really is just a relief to let go of the reins and release control...I hope you continue on your recovery. You are growing stronger every day, and it's so amazing to see. You do give me some hope.
The dream was comforting, I guess. Like, I don't necessarily want to go into the hospital, but at times I do. I never received more care and support than I did in there, and not even from the professionals. Like I have said, we all just understood each other there, sharing a connection that went beyond words. At this point, I really do want to give up control. I want someone else to take over and help. I know I can't do this on my own...but at the same time, that is what I fear the most - losing control. I know that's one of the biggest aspects of my eating disorder; the control. It's what keeps me going but also keeps me stuck. I'm just so afraid of what would happen. I'm afraid of losing what I perceive as control, even though in reality I know it's just the ED controlling me. It keeps me stuck. I wish I could just trust someone else...but I'm too afraid. I already don't like myself or my life; sometimes I feel like the control is all I have.

iwanttolive
julesthefox

Thank you for your kind words. I know God has given me a passion to help others. And about control. Surrendering control to God with the eating disorder is the best gift you can give to yourself. I struggled for so long I never thought I'd be in recovery. I still see myself in recovery even though I has a hospital stay. God is completely in control. If He isn't in control we are and we tend to make a mess of things when left to our own devices and that is why God wants us to put our trust in Him and hand the reigns over to Him. He is The One to surrender to. No one else. Being in the hospital can be very helpful but I found that I was using it as an escape from life and had to purpose not to go back in but this time I really had to. Especially since I believe it was God ordained. I lost a lot of my life living in hospitals. Afraid to live, afraid to grow up. Now I have a lot of catching up to do now that I am the big 50. God promises He will restore the years the lotus have eaten. How exactly He is going to do this I do not know.

But yes, going into the hospital is giving up some control, if you allow it to. Some go in and do not give up the control and come out no better that when they went in. My hope for you is that if you do or do not go in you will find peace and comfort in Jesus and become willing to be willing to surrender that control to God. For so many years I wasn't even willing to be willing to be willing. Then I was willing to be willing. Now I am willing. So much change but it took a long time. Right now, all I want to do is tell people about Jesus, what He did for them and how much He loves us. There is nothing we can do that will make Him love us less, and nothing we can do that will cause Him to love us more. He did it all on the cross. We just need to accept His gift of Himself and He will change us.

I am glad that you continue to persevere and not give up. You are a fighter and will be an overcomer. Not just a survivor but an overcomer. Take care for now.
iwanttolive