National Eating Disorders Association

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whitershade
big hug <3

Melissa, the mindset of "you're not good enough, do better" is the anorexic voice. Don't listen, be calm and if one day seems too much to handle, you can separate it into sections: one hour at a time. Every hour is a victory.
Keep going, I know how bad you want it!

whitershade
Day 11

Girls, just a check in before starting to work. Day 11 here, and it feels amazing! Anyway, I'm drinking my coffee and I'm ready to start working on a business plan. I've already done my exercise too.
Hope you girls have a great day!
love***

Melissaah
Day 1

I'm on day one again. I've been going through a lot lately so things haven't been going well. I hope I can keep today and tomorrow and so on.

brookespre
Day 4

It's going to be a quick post today. Super busy at work, which I love because it keeps my mind occupied with things other than my weight. Had a wonderful day yesterday, made some delicious food and just felt good about myself the whole day. Trying to continue that attitude today! My trainee cancelled our training session yesterday, which was frustrating, but I exercised by myself. Definitely not doing my best lately, and I think my body is telling me that I'm overdoing it again. So over the next few days I am going to pull back quite a bit to let myself recover.

Also my odd cravings and starting to subside. Still, I had my typical breakfast because it is so yummy.

Hope you guys have a good day!

whitershade
Today afternoon was awesome!

I spent the morning working a lot and then this afternoon my friend came over to do some thanksgiving prep. We cooked and chatted and had a very good time in the kitchen together. Now I'm going to have a nice dinner with my boyfriend, with a movie too:-)

Melissa: I had the same problem all the year, it was a difficult year and I seemed to not be able to keep more than one clean day at a time. But things get better, time pass. Don't give up, you'll reach the goal, I know!

Brookespre: I don't know why but my times are terrible.
I think I'm overtraining maybe. I always end to walk a lot.

Anyway, great job!

whitershade
Day 12

Goodmorning! I feel fine today, a little bit tired, also because I'm very busy. I'm going to have some breakfast, and then I'll start immediately to work. How are you today?
I'll post again later, hope this would be a good day for each of us!
Hugs!

brookespre
Day 5

Had a great night last night, and despite a stressful morning, today is going great too as far as my ED. I feel almost too normal, and my thoughts keep trying to tell me that this is wrong. I weighed myself at the gym last night, and am still keeping on the weight I have managed to gain, and it has pretty much stabilized. I am very fortunate that I was able to gain this weight the healthy way by myself, but I still feel a little uncomfortable and am getting used to it. Luckily it is getting very cold so I can wear cute layered outfits that make me feel a lot less self-conscious. My times at the gym last night were awful, but my strength has gone up noticeably, so I think my body just needs to adjust to the new amount of muscle and weight. Regardless, I feel a huge sense of victory today.

This is the first year in quite a while where I don't feel scared or intimidated going into the holidays. I love Christmas and Thanksgiving, and am looking forward to cooking and eating and enjoying myself! I have tons of energy today, which is good because it will be a hectic day of classes and work. It feels nice to actually feel kind of normal right now. The ED thoughts are really muted today, so I hope this is the beginning of something good!

Have a good day everyone!

whitershade
Day 13

It was since last summer that I couldn't reach 13 days in a row, and I think it was since years that I couldn't do this with the serenity I have now. I think you girls and the OA meetings are playing a huge role in my commitment to recovery. That's why, first of all, thank you:-)
Yesterday I worked a lot, these days are hectic. Today I'll start prepping to cook my first Thanksgiving:)
Moreover, I had a little hard time at dinner yesterday. I had my planned meal, and then, my boyfriend left some of his food, because he was full (speaking of food, he is the most balanced person I've ever met...). So, when I took the dish to the kitchen sink to wash it, I ate his leftovers standing by the sink. It's something very weird: I've spent an enormous portion of my life buying and devouring food meant to be thrown up a minute later, but I can't stand when people waste food. I have this habit to clean my bf plate, and this makes me feel ashamed of myself. Anyway, tonight I didn't follow the pattern of starting from his leftovers and then grazing around and, finally, purge, feeling bad and miserable. I had his leftovers and then I washed the dishes, made me a cup of tea, smoked a cigarette and then I've started reading. So, that's it:-)
Hope everything goes well today and, of course, let us be prepared and ready for tomorrow.

Mady1012
Keep it up!

I am so happy to see everyone’s progress and support! I know tomorrow may be a challenge for some who celebrate the holiday, but don’t be afraid. Remember your support group and how far you have come. Don’t hesitate to reach NEDA or any other support you have if you feel yourself struggling, we are here for you. I hope everyone can enjoy the holiday with their friends and families. We can do this! Have a wonderful day everyone, and best wishes!

-Mady

brookespre
Day 6

Unfortunately the boyfriend and I were fighting a lot last night, so I woke up extra early this morning and surprised him by making a nice breakfast as a peace offering haha. I skipped out on my usual morning exercise session in order to do this, but it was worth it. Very happy way to start off the morning with good food and a happy mood. I'm a little stressed out and feeling kind of the "F" word. Today is going to be a very challenging day. I still have to go out to lunch with my brother who is home for the holiday, and tonight my boyfriend and I are going out to a bar with some friends. I hate this feeling, I just feel so big today, but I will get through it. A quick gym session after work will ease my stress and get me through. I am debating whether to stop weighing myself or not. I know that every time I see that new higher number, I get really disappointed in myself even though it is a good thing. Do you girls weigh yourselves?

And good job not diving into old habits after finishing off your boyfriends leftovers! I do the same thing with his, and sometimes he eats mine too, so it's nothing to be ashamed about. I hate when food is wasted too.

I am just going to take today and tomorrow in stride, and know that I can do this. I will eat normally and balanced as I have done for the past 6 days and not purge. We all need to not just get through the holidays, but enjoy them. Hope you all have a good day!

Melissaah
day 1

Today is a new start again for me. The morning started out ok. I'm about to go shopping with my dad for the last minute stuff for thanksgiving dinner. And then we are coming back to my house to prep things for tomorrow. I'm hoping the busyness will keep me from binging and purging.
Brookespre I unfortunately do way my self obsessively. I know it's not healthy but it's something I haven't been able to give up.
Whiteshade congratulations on all your days. 13 is a lot. I hope you're proud of yourself.

whitershade
Day 14 Happy Thanksgiving

Girls, just a little catch up before starting to deal with an enormous turkey that now sleeps in my fridge :-)
It's two weeks, and I have to tell you that I'd never be able to do this so easily without your support. You make me stronger and better, so thank you very much!
Melissa, today just try to relax and enjoy your thanksgiving, that should be your priority. Don't focus on food too much, it helps. As Brookespree wrote, "we all need to not just get through the holidays, but enjoy them."
Brookespree, I'm really proud of you, and yes, I have a scale and I weigh myself every morning. I can't help doing this, and very ofter it makes me feel miserable:-(
Maybe it will take some time to free us from each of our sicknesses, but we try and we'll try harder!
Love you girls, have a good and peaceful day!

Melissaah
Today is day 2 for me. I'm a

Today is day 2 for me. I'm a little nervous with A LOT of family coming over. And about half of them know about my eating disorder. Not to mention I'm the host this year for the first time ever. Usually we have thanksgiving at my parents. I'm hoping I don't purge but it's going to be hard for me. Hope you guys have a great thanksgiving.

whitershade
Day 16

Girls, I don't know why but my PC didn't upload my yesterday post. Anyway, today is day 16, after a great Thanksgiving without purging (despite the enormous amount of alcohol and a very triggering friend), and yesterday I managed to have also a family dinner with a lot of stuff, without purging again!
I feel unstoppable nowXD, but I know I have to keep working and focusing on my recovery, without feeling too confident.
Today I'm planning to have a very light and easy day because I need some deserved rest.
How are you, girls? How was your thanksgiving?

brookespre
Day 8

Sooo glad to hear that I was not the only one to have such a great Thanksgiving! I honestly didn't even feel the desire to purge at all. This feeling is so new to me, and it is really scary. The past few days I have noticed a HUGE change in my attitude. I no longer hate everything I see when I look at myself, and I even kind of love how I look with my new weight gain. Although, when I start to think that I look good, my ED voice tells me that I should be ashamed for liking it, but hopefully that voice goes away soon!

Been a crazy past 2 days. Great Thanksgiving day with lots of good food and a hike through the mountain. Yesterday I had an amazing training session with my trainee. Being at a healthier weight has allowed me to have so much more energy for exercise. Today is going to be an easier day, and I am actually looking forward to going out to eat tonight. I NEVER look forward to going out to eat so this is crazy!!!

Whitershade, I also feel unstoppable at this point, it feels so empowering. We can't get too cocky though, and we need to always have our guard up because ED is searching for any weakness to throw us off our path. I still weigh myself everyday, but I have a different attitude about it. I look at it more as a fact rather than something to upset me. I know weight fluctuates like crazy, so I don't take it to heart like I used to.

Have a great day ladies!

whitershade
So so glad for you!

You're awesome! Feel happy, feel relieved, and keep focusing on your motivation:-)

Melissaah
day one

I'm on day one today. Thanksgiving was really fun in the beginning. I cooked my first thanksgiving dinner for my big family. I really enjoyed the cooking. My problem started when everyone showed up. I started to get overwhelmed and stressed. I unfortunately ended purging a couple times. I'm at least happy you guys had a good thanksgiving. I will get the days some day. I'm not giving up.

whitershade
Of course you are not giving up!

You are a fighter Melissa:)
Anyway, I'd like to hear about your story, if you want to share it here.
Good for your day one, as they say in OA "one day at a time":)

Melissaah
My story is kind of long but

My story is kind of long but I will try to tell the short version. I'm 29 now. I started secretly eating food other than meals when I was 15 years old. I asked for a scale for my 16th birthday and I got it. First my mom stepped on it , then my sister and then me. I weighed more than both of them. Then my mom went and told my neighborhood friends my weight. At the time I was over weight. I felt very ashamed and decided I was going to go on a diet. At first I just cut out a couple things and started to exercise. I began losing weight and I loved it. I figured if I did that and lost weight then if I cut out more and more and exercise more and more then I would lose weight even faster. By then I was hooked and I couldn't stop. Eventually my body couldn't take the starvation anymore which led to binging and purging. I lost a lot of weight I was first diagnosed as anorexic and then bulimic. I moved to Oregon for a couple years. I was away from family and I went down hill fast. I ended up in the hospital because my doctor was worried about my heart. Not long after that maybe 3 days I went to residential treatment. I was there for 4 weeks and then insurance wouldn't cover anymore so I had to leave. I then went back to Oregon and did a day program for another four months. I finally " graduated" and was released. I did ok for about a month and then I relapsed really bad. Four months later I was back in day treatment. I was only there for four weeks before my dad came to Oregon and brought me back home because I tried to commit suicide. When I got home I got WAY worse and got down to my lowest weight. I finally met my fiancee and being together for a few years we decided to try and get pregnant. So I gained weight back and tried harder to not purge. Finally after 2 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant I finally got pregnant. K ate healthier and did the best I could and never purged for the health of my baby. After he was born I started to binge eat and I gained a ton of weight. I swore to myself I would never get that big again. Well I did and then some. I was so ashamed of my body. I ended up not eating and exercising for a while and I lost a lot of weight again but then I started binging and purging again. I've put on some weight because I don't always purge after I binge because I get so tired of doing it. Now today I'm still bingeing and purging. My therapist has already said if circumstances were different than I would be back to residential treatment. That would mean I would have to go out of town because my Insurance doesn't cover the treatment center here where I live. I have a 2 year old son and I refuse to leave him for that long of a period of time. So that is off the lis. Though my therapist says if I get any worse I won't have a choice. So I'm still really struggling but wanting to get better so bad. I don't want to leave my baby boy for a long period of time. I don't think I could handle it. So today I just continue to try and fight to get better. This is my story. Whitershade would you tell your story.

whitershade
Day 17 (and my story)

Today is tough. I'm home alone, after three days of very active social life and mindless eating I feel bad about my body. I've always had this relationship with my body. I was bullied in middle school, kids called me "monkey", and chased me everywhere doing very bad stuff. I've overanalyzed this thing in therapy, but the fact is I will never forgive them for making me such insecure and obsessed by my body. Anyway, my body weight has never been a real problem. I was a healthy girl, but my friends were skinny (in Italy, many years ago, when I was a child, was very hard to find an overweight kid). So, I've always felt uncomfortable with my weight. I don't even know why...I think there is something intrinsically broken in my mind.

I watched a movie when I was twelve, I still remember the name of the protagonist, Mary Margaret, and she was a bulimic. I recognized something, I felt like "Omg I get this girl!", and I was just a child...

The first time I binged I was 11 years old. I can remember having always suffered from a deep sense of guilt related to food, and also my mum was very severe (no processed foods, just homemade things). Anyway, in therapy I discovered that I’ve gone through a food related trauma in my very first years of life, but I'm not comfortable writing publicly about it.

That first binge was small but I remember the sense of losing control. I was scared and petrified because I didn’t understand my actions. I couldn’t stop. Then I also tried to vomit, even if I barely knew what eating disorders were (I saw the movie later), but it was a kind of immediate response for me. I couldn't vomit, anyway, so I compensated with exercise…so young and so sick, already. I’ve spent my first anorexic summer at 13… I was at a camp, and I simply stopped eating for two weeks. I’ve always had a regular body, but that summer I came back home skinny. Nobody worried, though, and it passed as soon as I started to go to school again.

Since that first summer, I’ve always dealt with problems not eating. But the disease spread in its ferocity just after a bad broke up with a boyfriend when I was 21 and I was writing my B.A. final dissertation.

I spent another anorexic summer, this time longer, and I lived by myself away from home, with roommates that were all on a diet...so, very triggering. I found myself having the first bulimic attacks at the end of the summer, all my lost weight came back. I started using other ED behaviors, but they were never "enough" for me. So, after another long period of starvation, a binge happened, and I started purging. I won a scholarship and I went to Japan, to spend six months there. I've been sent home after 3 months and an intoxication. They thought it was a suicide attempt, and maybe it was.... At home, as soon as I realized what I was doing (I’ve always been very aware), I started therapy. It was 2005, and it lasted till the beginning of 2015. Ten years. The first year of therapy I got worse, losing a lot of weight and engaging in ED behaviors consistantly. In November 2005, I was hospitalized for a scary low level of sodium due and ED behaviors, of course. After that, I started CBT, outpatient, but it didn’t work for me. I’ve also tried medications. I’ve also tried acupuncture once (a great waste of time and money for me). Anyway, therapy worked a lot, but not in a behavioral term. I fought and fought to try to be “normal”, and during the years it got better. I moved with my boyfriend in 2007, and now it's ten years we are together. I finished my studies, I've also done an M.A., and I work a lot. I like my life now, I simply don't like my purging days. I've decided to join this online forum and OA in the last month. It's really helpful having people, having a team here, online, who cheers for me and fight against the same enemy I have. I'm thinking that the mistake in these last 5-6 years has been to stay isolated from other suffering people and to talk about this disease just in therapy.

Anyway, I just feel so relieved by the fact that being in OA means to accept the fact that I’ll never be normal, so this idea gives me the freedom to think that the urges will never go away, but I can decide to not “act” them. I’m responsible for my action, not for my illness.

Just for today, I decided to avoid mindless eating or starvation. I decided to sit here and read and write and relax instead of freaking out.
So, again, thank you for being there.

Melissaah
Thanks for sharing your story. day one for me

I'm back on day one and I'm determined to NOT binge and purge. From all the binging and purging and sometimes just binging I gained a lot of the weight I lost back. I feel SO uncomfortable and huge. I NEED to get my weight under control. And that means no binging and purging or just binging. For some reason I'm a little scared, but I HAVE TO DO THIS. I can't keep living this way. Hope you girls have a good day. We can do this!

whitershade
Day 18

Hello, girls! today I feel better:-) It's really cold outside and I need to work a lot so I'll be busy the whole day (that's good!).
I've had my breakfast and I'm gonna make lunch. Tomorrow we'll have again other friends coming over for dinner, so Today I'll keep it very clean, and also I need to perfectly plan what I'm cooking for them and how much I'm going to eat.
How are you?

Melissaah
Today I'm finally on day two

Today I'm finally on day two again. I had a hard time with urges to binge and purge yesterday but I talked with my husband and got through it. Today he works all day. So I'm hoping I can make it another day.

brookespre
Day 10

Wow, I can't tell you how long it's been since I've gone 10 days without even purging just a little bit. Seriously, thank you whitershade and Melissaah for being in this chat because this has really helped me realize that I am not alone and we are all fighting a very similar battle within ourselves.

Things are definitely getting easier, but I have been feeling very self-conscious at times. I always have this obsession with my belly, and any little bit of fat on it gives me extreme anxiety. I am trying to just let go and appreciate the strong body that I have and all that it can do. I didn't have to work today, and my boyfriend was off hunting, so this was a huge test for me today. It really wasn't as hard as it normally is. I busied myself with studying for finals and making homemade granola bars, and didn't even get the urge to engage in behaviors!

You both sound like you are doing so well, and you both are so so strong! Keep fighting, we can do this! Hope you girls are having a good day!

whitershade
Day 19

Hello, girls!
Today I woke up with a sort of excitement because...it's 24 days to Xmas! I love Xmas time, the holiday and everything, and usually, even if could sound strange, it's not my worst time of the year (my worst month is definitely February, I have a pattern in this). It's like I'm very good going through hard phases and then I lose myself as soon as I relax. Anyway, I'm going to prepare my Xmas Calendar today, I should have done yesterday, but I was too busy, and then, after work and gym, I'm going to make dinner for a couple of friends coming over tonight. I'm gonna cook some food.
Hope you have a great day, I'm so proud of us! Brookespree, way to go!
Melissa, you just need to resist another two days at a time, after the fourth day it becomes easier, I promise!
Hugs!

P.S Brookespree, would you like to share some of your story, too?

Melissaah
Day 1

I am unfortunately on day one again. I almost feel like I should leave the group. I don't want to let you guys down or trigger you because I'm not doing as well as you. So if I am just let me know and I will leave. Keep up the good work!

whitershade
don't do that!

Melissa, I hope that our progress makes you willing and strong to be able to stay better. I'm not triggered at all, just sad for a moment when you say you are on day 1 again, but then I remember that it is one day at a time, and if it's too much make it one meal at a time. But stay, keep coming back on this forum if it helps you, we are here to cheer you up and support you, always!
Hugs!!!

Melissaah
Thanks whitershade, I will

Thanks whitershade, I will stick around. It does help to get support from you girls. I just hate letting people down

whitershade
Progress not perfection!

You are in a safe place here, no judgements, no disappointment, no bad feelings. We are your support net, use us!
:-))

JoMoma
Day 0

Wow, I just read every post on this thread and relate to everything that has been said. I am 38, and have been battling this disease for at least 25 yrs, if not more. It's so hard, and it seems to only get worse and take more and more from you as the years pass by. At the first of the year I finally, for the first time reached out to get professional help. I met with a psychologist every 2 weeks, who was monitoring me on antidepressants. She kept urging me to seek a higher level of treatment, and I finally did. At the end of April, I was doing PHP at a hospital in Dallas for eating disorders 5 days a week. I was there for almost 3 months. I have made it to 30+ days 3 time now since April. The first 2x I slipped, I got right back up. I think part of that was still being very involved the therapy and support meetings. The 3rd time I hit 30, I made it to 60, but them I crashed right before I hit the 90 day mark. Since my last slip up, I haven't been able to get in a full week, much less make it to 30 or more. I know I have to stay active in a support system or the ED takes over. I too am sooooo tired of the constant war inside my head. My boyfriend stayed home from work today & messed up my planned ED behaviors. If I start today, I can actually start the new year off with 30 days of abstinence. That would be so great. You girls are all doing well. I'm rooting for you all!!! x

brookespre
Day 11 (and story)

So here is a little bit of my story:

My self-hatred pretty much started in middle school when I started being bullied. Looking back, I was kind of chunky, but by no means huge, but that didn't stop them from telling me I was. That's when my depression started, and I bottled it up all through middle school and into high school. My first year of high school, I decided to join the cross country team, because my brother was on it. I had always heavily participated in sports, but when I joined cross country I started losing weight from all the running. Everyone complimented how good I looked, and for once I felt a shred of self-confidence. I finished the season and my freshman year with this new slimmer body that everyone seemed to love. Sophomore year I didn't do cross country, but I did decide to join the track team. For some reason something clicked during that time and I just wanted to lose weight. I really don't remember what triggered this or started it, but it started slowly. I would run extra laps at practice. Eventually I would come home after practice and run some more. I restricted my calories.

At the end of my Sophomore year I was noticeably underweight, and my Latin class was going on an 11-day trip to Italy. I went on the trip, but unfortunately was stuck being roommates with these two awful girls from my class who would make nasty comments about me being so thin, and generally made me feel very unwanted and worthless. Regardless, I had such a great time in Italy, though I ate very little local cuisine while I was there (I regret that so much now!!). When I got back from the trip, I had an eye infection from some dust that got in there while visiting Pompeii. My mom took me to the doctor since I was only 15 at the time, and when the doctor weighed me she saw just how underweight I was. A couple days later I admitted I had a problem and we started my path to recovery. Originally we tried to do it ourselves, which ended up just involving my dad screaming at me that I am making the whole family miserable with my problems (our relationship has still never recovered). When it was clear that I needed more intense help, I started an partial inpatient treatment plan. After a summer and my 16th birthday spent at a hospital, I was weight restored and trying to get back to normal.

I had a few slip-ups in the next few years after that, but nothing major. The latest relapse started last September, when my current boyfriend and I broke up. He had been interested in another girl, which of course made me feel worthless. Instead of being sad about the situation, I decided I was going to sign up for a half-marathon and work towards that goal. This was the start of my obsession with running and exercise. My boyfriend and I had gotten back together a week after I signed up for the race, but I was already started down a bad road. It started out healthy, then got unhealthy very fast. I became obsessed with training, and lost a decent amount of weight. I started obsessively exercising behind everyone's back, and purging frequently.

Just a few months ago, I decided that I am done living like this, and I want to be healthier. My main motivation was to have a family and be healthy for my future children, and that continues to be my motivation. So now my weight is back to a normal level, and I am still trying to get used to it. So here I am now, 21 and almost graduated with my B.S.B.A. and ready to start my life without ED after 6 years of fighting.

Hope you all are having a good day!

whitershade
Day 20!!!

Goodmorning everyone! I'm so glad we grow in number:-) welcome home JoMoma, I hope you are in day 1 today! Melissa, how do you feel today? Brookespree, thank you for your story, you're so young! I'm sure you're best years are yet to come:-))
I've officially reached the longest time since last summer, and reaching 20days last summer... it was absolutely painful, instead now it's so good!
Today I have a lot of chopped wood to pile up for the upcoming winter, so I'd better hurry now!
Love you all girls, and I'll try to check in later again!

brookespre
Day 12

Good morning everyone! I am up super early because I have a nasty cold, so today is going to be all about resting and preparing for finals. Last night I unfortunately received some sad news about a family member, so I am trying to deal with these new stressors in a healthy way instead of my old ED methods of coping.

How is everyone today? Hope you all have a great day!

Melissaah
day one tomorrow

Hey everyone, I'll be on day one tomorrow again. I feel like such a failure. Day 12 and 20 are huge. I just can't seem to get past a day or two. What is my problem!?! Anyway I hope tomorrow goes better. Welcome to the group of jomoma. I hope everyone is having a good day.

Mady1012
RE Melissaah

Hi Melissaah,

The fact that you are trying to choose recovery and take the step is a huge accomplishment. Some days are going to be harder than others. I see how constantly you are picking yourself back up and trying again, which is awesome. I know you can get through this and keep fighting. You aren't a failure, just keep taking small steps and I know you will be able to make it past day two. Stay strong Melissah and keep pushing I know you can! Keep us updated and have a wonderful day!

Madelyn

whitershade
Day 21

Guys, 21 days is HUGEE, it's officially the longest time without purging since 2013... I love you for being here because you are a good piece of my accountability.
Anyway, I'm going through this starting holiday time with a large sense of serenity, and it's a new feeling for me. I've always loved this time of the year, but I've also always been anxious and full of tension. Now I feel like I'm full of peace, and this is awesome.
How are you? Hope you have a great day!

Melissaah
day 1

Today I'm on day one. But for some reason this day feels different from all the others. I feel even more determined today to not binge and purge from all the other days. For a little while I was thinking oh well, I'll never get it. But I NEED to try. I really want this. Praying for a healthy day today. Good luck girls!

whitershade
Go Melissa!

If you start today you'll have a lot of days before Christmas to make you stronger and more willing to succeed! We are here for you, unity is power:-)

Melissaah
Thanks whitershade, I think

Thanks whitershade, I think now that I'm serious the accountability will help get me through. I'm so glad you put this challenge up. I probably wouldn't have gotten to the point of even trying without it. Though it took a little while for me to get serious about it. So thank you. :)

Melissaah
I had to write this down....

I had to write this down.... I started eating a food I usually binge and purge on, but I stopped myself after eating one serving. And I didn't purge. I really thought I was going to fail again but I didn't. I didn't want to come back and say I'm on day one tomorrow. It's kind of lame but I'm kind of proud of myself. Thanks for your support girls!

brookespre
That's AWESOME. Seriously you

That's AWESOME. Seriously you should be so proud of yourself!! I have to constantly force myself to eat my old binge foods because I know if I just eat them to binge, I will always keep that habit. I hope this success continues for you, but just remember to take it day by day, and no matter what happens, no one can take this success away from you. Today you looked ED in the face and said "screw you".

Melissaah
I'm not going to lie... this

I'm not going to lie... this is so hard. Just when I think I'll make it through the day without binging and purging I start to get major urges to binge and then I'll feel like I need to purge. Right this minute I'm having one of those urges. It's driving me crazy. I want to binge really bad but at the same time I DON'T want to binge. My therapist gave me some dbt work sheets that I'm going to look at to see if I can get past the urge without giving in and binging and purging.

Melissaah
I was so determined, I really

I was so determined, I really was. And I ended purging. I'm really hating myself right now. I honestly thought I was going to do well today. It's crushing me and I'm so ashamed to come back and admit I messed up again. I really want this. It just doesn't seem like it's going to happen. Back to day one tomorrow. Sorry girls. :(

whitershade
Day 22

Goodmorning, girls, today I feel tired (it's arriving that time of the month...) and I would like to sleep over all day long, instead I'm awake, making breakfast and already doing stuff at home. I should go for a long run later, but I still don't know if I feel like doing it, maybe today I'll entirely skip my workout...
Anyway, Melissa, don't you ever feel in guilt with us! You have to do it for yourself, and we are here to support you. I can remember the constant dissociation you lived yesterday. The "binge/don't do it" war. I can say that for me, the only thing that worked in those case was going away, go out, calling a friend, make it impossible to eat for enough time to let the urge pass.
You feel you are powerless, but you are not! You have the power to bring or not to bring the food to your mouth. Stop trying to control the thoughts, that is impossible, I still have some even if it's 22 days and I feel awesome.
The thoughts will never go aways, they will stay with us forever, so let's accept this reality and move on. But you can convince your mind to not do what you think!
It's hard, but I think you are on the right way:-)
C'mon! Let's make today you day one:-)

P.S.Brookespree, how are you doing?

brookespre
Day 13

Well it is day 13 for me and, although I feel a little big still getting used to my weight, I have no desire to purge or restrict! Whitershade, if your body is tired don't feel bad about skipping a workout day, you'll give your body some rest and will be able to push harder during your next workout! In fact, I skipped my usual run this morning because I'm feeling rather tired too. It's going to be a very busy day today, and I am really excited because I had 2 job interviews yesterday and another one today! And today was the first time in a while I looked in the mirror all dressed up and immediately thought "wow you look good". Of course my ED thoughts then chimed in and told me that I should be ashamed for thinking that, but it's a step in the right direction! What a difference a few pounds can make in how well you fill out clothes and how it gives your face more glow and life. As much as I hate this new weight, I also kind of love it. Hopefully these conflicting thoughts calm down soon, because I hate going from hating myself to loving myself in matter of minutes.

How are you girls doing today?? And Melissahh just remember that little success you had yesterday. No one can take that away from you. Keep fighting!

Melissaah
day one

Hi girls, I'm on day one today. But my therapist and I made a food plan for things weekend to see If I can do it. I know the binging was caused by not eating so then I'd binge and purge. Well this weekend have planned breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. To be honest I'm scared I'm going to gain a ton of weight. She thinks the opposite. That I'll start losing when my metabolism kicks in. I'm going to give it a try. Because what I was doing before was binging and purging or not eating at all which set me up to b/p if that makes sense. Sometimes I'd binge and not purge. I'm uncomfortable with my weight now. I just hope I can do this without purging. I usually would never keep this much in my system so I'm scared. Crossing my fingers it helps.

whitershade
Day 23

Melissa, I'm so glad you made this decision! Believe me, nothing makes you gain weight as binge does, with or without purging. I always stay stable or even lose when I eat:-)
Brookespree, I'm really proud:*
For me, I'm doing ok, I've survived a lunch at my parent's place without thoughts. I've done a meeting and now I'm waiting for a friend to dye my hair. Everything seems to be peaceful and fine, I hope you have a nice day too!Hug***

Melissaah
triggered

Hey girls, had a rough day today. I then came on here for support and read people's weight. What the were what they are now. I find myself wishing I can be that weight again. It was honestly very triggering. I know they try to fix it as fast as they can on here but I still happened to see it. I literally want to cry now because I'm heavier than they are. I know it's my ED talking but it's just so hard. My therapist and I made a food plan that I'm supposed to try one day this weekend. I already messed up today so I've got the plan to do it tomorrow. I'm honestly scared to do, but I have to, I can't keep living this way. And then my ED tells me I need to get back to what my lowest used to be. This is so hard and very confusing. Hope you girls had a Good day.

whitershade
Day 24

I'm working hard to stay in this happy place I'm now, but I know, Melissa. It's hard. I honestly think that this forum should be number free, no weight, BMI, calories and stuff like that. It's not helpful for ANYONE. But, you know...you can't control others. You need to think positively about it. See it the bigger picture. You are a unique human being, no number can define who you are. We set such absurd standard, also because society makes us. Let's be revolutionary, let's break the pattern. I know, I use the scale every day too, but I never read threads that could be triggering for me here. Honestly, I come here just for you guys, I rarely look at the other threads :-)
Stay with us, let's keep this pages number free and let's go on together. We have already been there, there is a whole new future waiting for us. It's scary, like all the new things, but it's also exciting. Hugs***

Melissaah
going to be a tough day

My son woke up at 1:30 am, it's now about 3 am and he's still awake. I don't think he's going to go to bed anytime soon. Anyway I'm feeling really hungry but I think most of it is just being tired. I'm supposed to follow a meal plan my therapist and I made and I'm a little nervous. If it's only 3 now and I'm scheduled to eat at 8:30, plus being hungry I'm worried I might binge and purge. I really want to have a good day today. So I guess I've got to REALLY fight ED today. Hope everyone has a good day as well. I will let you guys know how I'm doing later.

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