National Eating Disorders Association

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binging after anorexia

Back in September I was hospitalized for anorexia and received treatment for 2 months. once I was released from the program, I still had minor setbacks on the daily but was ultimately stable in weight and was keeping on track. however, in January when I went to a check in at the hospital, I saw that I had gained weight from Christmas and I relapsed. Now, it's May and I have been really determined to stay on track but it has been getting more difficult and I weighed myself the other day and saw I am at the weight I pretty much was at when I stopped eating. lately, I have been binging and feel so out of control and unhappy with myself and I don't know how to go back on a steady path without completely relapsing again and being in a bad mindset.

Hit Me Like a Mack Truck

I am 47yrs. Began my struggle with Anorexia at 15, hospitalized at 31, struggled with cycles of relapses until I was 35. I met my beloved husband and I was good...healthy. My trigger is abandonment so with a man that loved me and continues to love me unconditionally, I just was really unaware of what was happening until yesterday. Three and a half years ago I began experiencing loss, death of my step-dad, 7mo later my brother, a job, spiritual leaders, and recently a best friend. To add to this was guilt and shame as I watched my daughter also go down the road of anorexia/bulimia. Then this Covid isolation. During all this time I was steadily gaining weight, I thought it was my hypothyroidism and to be honest I do not have a below the breast mirror in my house (subcontious decision really) so I had not seen myself and just how bad it had gotten. I was at my mum's and she has full length mirrors and I was astonished! My mum took the opportunity to share her concerns over my weight and said to me "Nicki, I don't think that you ever fixed the core issue with your eating and it is getting out of hand on the other end." She is right. I have gotten on the phone to arrange psychotherapy as I desperately need help. I am on this stupid app for eating but I am angry at it, I don't want to feel this guilt for eating...I don't like the feeling of hunger I had 20 years of it...and I feel it is pointless to add to my shame before I am in a safe space to help with the core issue. I am so angry, not at myself, I need to be compassionate there but at the situation. I am angry and frustrated.

Dear NickiB

We are sorry to hear you are struggling and wanted to leave some resources for you. Our confidential NEDA Helpline can be reached at 800.931.2237 M-Th 11am-9pm ET and F 11am-5pm ET. You can also chat with us online M-Th9am-9pm ET and F 9am-5pm ET. Our trained volunteers and staff can assist you with finding other resources and support in your area. Stay well and take care!