National Eating Disorders Association

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elliecat
Why am I doing this to myself? (first post hoorah)

I'm trying to figure out the cause of my anorexia. Part of me is shallow and knows that skinny people seem to have it all better in life. I'm skinny already, I know because people tell me, but I don't see it. I feel square, and, though thin, unnotably so. Therefore, it's a waste.
I also feel like I do it to spite others. I couldn't tell you why I'd want to. But today I cried when I realized that my mom and sister knew I had just eaten something. I tried to compensate by taking dinner to my room later with plans of flushing it, but my recovery brain decided to make me shovel it down after having cut it into a million pieces. (It's like tricking myself. I say that I'll cut it up as tiny as I can so it won't clog the toilet, but last minute I eat it as quickly as possible, which is easy since it's tiny. It kind of works. Ish) My mom had been pestering me all night about eating dinner, and it wasn't until I did and when she asked again that I felt upset that I couldn't lie to and manipulate her. I want a nasty secret. I don't want my sister to invade my private space when I'm having these thoughts to try and hug me. I want to be alone and sad, but I also don't want my hair to fall out or to have that ugly taste in my mouth anymore.
I wish I hadn't eaten it. I still feel hungry since I skipped lunch and the dinner I did eat was pretty small, but the amount I've eaten today doesn't necessarily read as concerning on paper. Somehow, that part of it is what bothers me. I don't weigh or measure or count calories like I used to. (so don't worry about number triggers in this post) I don't have safe foods. I'm starting to think it's because I realized that other people couldn't see that oddity. Normal people don't think about the calories that someone else is eating. They just see quantity.
That's why recovery is so hard. My brain doesn't crave skinny, not really. My messed up brain is craving the sickness, or rather the lying it takes to keep it alive. It doesn't want me to hurt anyone or let anyone know. It wants me to distance myself, stay more closed up emotionally than I started off. It makes me hate people who love me. I don't want to be a bad person.
For years now I've kept thinking I was okay again, but then I go on break for school or have some downtime and it comes back. This is the first time I've kept this up during the school year. It hasn't been as long as the month I took up cycling and restricted what I ate. But, I think it's been longer than the week during spring break when I only ate a little each day.
I'm not in the best of places right now. I try to bring myself to google the horrible symptoms of anorexia before cramming a piece of food down as quickly as I can, but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty after. Welp, at least I'm taking my iron supplements so I don't pass out or anything.
This was pretty long, but it was my first post so I figured I'd spill.

_admin_moderator
Hi elliecat!

We are glad to hear that you're finding support here on the forums! However, your post was edited due to mentions of specific numbers. Please feel free to review the community guidelines to help make this forum a safe place for all users: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/community-guidelines

Furthermore, please feel free to reach out to the NEDA Helpline for additional support. It can be reached at 1-800-931-2237 M-Th 9-9EST and F 9-5 EST.

Please continue posting!

chunkymonkey68
I hope you find some therapy referrals here online

Good luck in your recovery. If you are in school perhaps a school counselor may be helpful in listening to your problems. Otherwise they have tons of private ones out there, wherever you are. Good luck in healing from your loss of appetite. Also support groups in your area are good too as you see that you are not alone in your recovery...

lovetowrite81
Hi Elliecat!

Hi Elliecat!

First of all, I'm so glad you posted here! Thank you so much for sharing with us. It takes a lot of courage to want to understand the roots of your eating disorder and dive into what is laying beneath. I agree with ChunkyMonkey68 and am thinking it may be helpful to seek help from a professional? I feel like that would be very helpful in helping you to process all of this. Eating disorders can definitely be a way of shutting out others and distancing ourselves- I know for me, it was definitely a subconscious way to isolate, potentially a cry for others to notice while ironically shrinking myself down. EDs has a way of deceiving and changing the way we act. You are not a bad person for this- but I am glad you are aware of the way it is affecting your relationship with your mother and sister, and how you are responding to them in regards to your behaviors and vice versa. These would all be important considerations to cover in therapy.

I also wanted to challenge your statement that 'skinnier people seem to have it better in life'. Society does perpetuate the idea that achieving the 'Thin Ideal' will make all problems vanish, but look at celebrities who are perhaps the closest to attaining this impossible standard- do they have perfect lives? Does this necessary make them fulfilled? Just some things to think about.

Again, thank you so much for sharing here. Remember you do deserve to recover and there is hope to do so! Please utilize the NEDA Helpline if you need it (listed above by admin!)

Keep us posted on how you're doing :)

-Lovetowrite81