National Eating Disorders Association

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turning the big 50

Hi, has anyone who has turned fifty have a real struggle with it? I did last Saturday. I am very afraid of being fifty. Everyone that knows me or doesn't know me says I look like I am thirty. Now, for some, as my therapist would say, would consider that flattery. For me though, it just shows how far behind I am. How much I lost in my life to the eating disorder. I really don't fit in anywhere and see myself as a misfit.

And about my fears of sexuality, men, being attacked, my therapist says not yet. I am still too unstable. After nine plus months, I have been in recovery but had a slip in the self harm area. I am fearful of abandonment, of her leaving, dying. We discussed this briefly as she was wondering why I was looking for her email so I could email her, but I am not allowed to. I told her I searched for an hours for her picture and I believe she took it off the web. She is not happy that I bring her out of the office. It is a love/hate relationship. I told her today that I sometimes hate her and I don't understand why but she thinks it is because she is constantly telling me that I can do this or that and I won't die, ie changing a babies diaper. She said it will not kill you.

I feel misheard and scared out of my mind to be fifty. Yes, I have maintained eating disorder recovery for I think it is ten months now. But I broke down and self harmed. I have been under an enormous amount of stress, and turning fifty did me in. If I looked my age, acted my age, had life experiences for someone my age, and so on, it may not be such a big deal. I still feel like I am ten but I try to push the number up to twenty. But I am fifty.

If anyone understands and could offer me some insight, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you,