National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
trembling with fear no more doing much better

Hi. I feel like I am going to implode with fear and anxiety regarding my sister. She is very aggressive and abusive to me emotionally. She put me in a rather difficult position the other day and I didn't handle it the best. I lied to her and said my friend couldn't stop at any other store. She wanted me to buy an excessive amount of alcohol. I came home and told her that I did lie and I was sorry I just didn't know what to do and was afraid and concerned for her. She is mean and controlling and is ripping me to shreds. It is very complicated. She tells me I have been lying all my life because of my eating disorder and everyone who has an eating disorder lies all the time. She said I was a five year old tattle tale because I told my parents about her and what was going on... I do not want to be responsible for having my sister die on me. She doesn't see any of this. In fact she was talking loudly that I have no idea about her illness. Little did she know, I had to have my mom bring me home from running errands because I felt like I was going to pass out. She didn't know how sick I was last night. She has no idea that I am struggling with the same diagnosis as her. I made an appointment with my therapist, someone cancelled for tomorrow. I feel like a hostage in my own house. And for the first time in a very long time I simply have no desire for dinner. I am not hungry and simply don't want dinner.

I am in bed with the door locked. I am wishing she didn't move in and my parents feel that it was not a really good idea. I am exceedingly lonely right now and feeling despair. She is mean. Aggressive. Bully. Nasty when she wants to be. But she can be sweet as sweet can be when she is with other people and when she wants to be.

I don't know what writing this to you will do but I find it significant that for the first time in many months I am not eating dinner. No appetite, only fright.

Thank you for reading this. later I had dinner

mameegan
hugs to you

what a difficult, painful situation. I hope it changes soon and you do not feel like a hostage in your own home. i am impressed w your self care that you came here to share how you were feeling. you remain very strong despite the turmoil. big hugs to you!!!!

iwanttolive
mameegan

Hello. Thank you so much for responding to my post. I was able to get in to see my therapist today and that was a good thing. She helped me realize I needed to get my parents involved again. I used some skills and really trying to be aware of my breathing, at my therapists suggestion. I refuse to go back to before, as I now have seven months of recovery behind me> My scripture verse is I will not die but live and declare the works of the Lord. I will be used by Him to bring Hope to others. I believe that. There is no turning back for me.

Thanks again for responding. How are you doing?

lovetowrite81
Iwanttolive

I'm glad to hear that you were able to see your therapist & that was fruitful! Congratulations on 7 months- that's such a wonderful accomplishment :) I also love that verse. Such a powerful reminder that in all we've been through, God is still good & deserves the highest praise! Just wanted to chime in and let you know I've been thinking of you in all you've been going through with your sister <3

iwanttolive
lovetowrite81

Thank you so much. Yes. Seven months. To God be the glory!!!!!

iwanttolive
fear

Hi. I just wanted to update you and say that things are a little better with my sister. She has been a victim several times and suffers from chronic pain. So she spends a lot of time in her room. I have more control over my emotions now and I am not feeling as I was when I first posted a bit ago. Thank you for your support and I wish you all a restful sleep.

iwanttolive

lovetowrite81
Iwanttolive

I'm glad to hear that things are a little better with your sister! I think it's really helpful when we can look at others as imperfect and flawed, but still made in God's image & worthy of being loved like God loves us through all of our mistakes and shortcomings. Keep us posted on everything. I hope you had a nice weekend <3