National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
totally different

Hello to everyone.

It is so good to see this forum up and running, people sharing and helping one another. I am so thankful for this. I hope you keep telling yourselves you are not what you weigh. More difficult to live this out than to say it but it is the Truth. We are all special in God's eyes and He created us to be who we are.

I have had a most unusual day. I worked, then went shopping at Walmart. My parents are going on an overnight marriage encounter type of thing. They have poured out so much of their lives to me and so many people. They really don't have the time to properly clean their house and won't hire a cleaning person. So I took it upon myself to give back to them by cleaning their house. Three hours in and I still have about three more hours before they get back tomorrow afternoon. My back is screaming but I know I want to do this.

I received a call from the driving school where they will test my ability to drive after my accident. They had a cancellation and can see me on Monday. So I texted my Mom and she called me and suggested waiting until Nov just to make sure I am at my best and strongest. I said it made sense even though it is more work for them and more waiting for me. I heard her talking to my Dad after we hung up that she was pleased I was agreeing with her and didn't push the issue. I am learning to be more content.

So about the totally different: I was dressed in a tank top because it was SOOOOOOOOOOO hot in their house, I needed to strip down some. Or die from heat stroke!!! I looked at myself in their mirror and actually felt comfortable with my new body. I am more shapely than ever, and that is a bit scary. But I was more comfortable than I ever thought possible. I am in range, for my age, and body type.. I asked a body image question to my therapist the yesterday and she said do I think I look "healthy"? the buzz word that can set someone with a history of anorexia back. I said yes I look healthy. So she then said your issue with this part of your body was a part of when you were very ill. I said yes and no. I want a little more of a refined look. So she helped me see that health over having the "refined" look is actually a better place to be than ill and weak. I had to agree with her. Then tonight, seeing myself and accepting a more "mature" look took me by surprise. I think as I live a surrendered life, these situations will continue to occur. Feeling differently about things. Body shape, size, food. I want so much more in my life than to be stuck in the cycle of food drama. It has taken me a VERY long time to get where I am at, so if you are not there, do not beat yourself up. Just know it can happen. One day you can be okay with your body. One day you will learn to love yourself. Do I love myself? I am not sure yet. But I am closer than before.

I say all this to offer Hope to those who think it will never end. It can and it is possible to live in recovery. I wish you all the best and am honored to be able to share my recovery process with you. Thank you.
iwanttolive

lovetowrite81
Iwanttolive

Hi Iwanttolive-

Just wanted to say that this is so wonderful to hear! As you continue to surrender more and more, you are learning to become more and more comfortable with your unique body shape and size. And that is a beautiful thing. I'm so glad that you are coming into new perspective as you continue to walk the recovery path- it's amazing to be able to look at yourself now & value how healthy you look and how far you have come. So proud of you! <3