National Eating Disorders Association

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hermione3
Thoughts on a lot

My therapist told me she can't stop me from self harming or starving myself those are my choices and she is right they are. She said I shouldn't feel ashamed of my self harm like I am it is part of who I am and she said maybe she shouldn't say yea ok self harm but if it's like not being told to me not to do it I will then have more freedom to not act out as it's me acting out showing my pain like my team knows and acknowledges it it's other people in my life who don't. She thinks I also need to accept who I am and stop trying to live up to people's expectations of me I am me and that is ok and I need to just be ok that I have a dark sense of humor I am not always happy and bubbly and I don't have to put on an act. It's exhausting. I thought about treatment and wonder if I actually utilized it which my therapist doesn't think I would but if I did and was able to leave work for a certain amount of time and do that and come back to my own classroom I would do it. And maybe even actually try especially if it is a trauma program maybe it would help. I haven't mentioned this to my therapist also if I could go back to living with my friend if god bless my parents cover what I need for the time hopefully not too long. I don't think I want that but it's the only thought I could come up with that might work...and I would be ok with but part of me is not sure I want to give up my eating disorder....

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. I just read your post. I think going in for treatment for trauma and giving you a chance to stop the self harm could really benefit you. Sometimes just breaking the cycle can help. As for not wanting to let go of the eating disorder, I believe it is still serving a purpose. Once healing comes youay not need the eating disorder anymore. As you know, the eating disorder doesn't want to let go of its victims. I posted about my scale. You can pull it up on the maintaining recovery.

About the selg harm, I am sure you know it is addictive. I think a little different than what your therapist said or what I think she said. It is dangerous. I almost wound up needing a colostomy bag cause I went too far and almost hot my bowels. I do agree it is our choice and no one can make us stop. Do you believe in Jesus? Are you able to pray and ask Him for help you. I know without Him I would not be alive. I am seven months from the last time I hurt myself. Never thought it was possible because of what I got from it. I now know I can be and am free from the self harm. I still have bad dreams about engaging but the urges have drastically reduced. There is help and there is always Hope. I hope this helps some. iwanttolive

hermione3
Thanks for the support. I

Thanks for the support. I only want to do treatment on my terms which is probably not the best way to do it but i don't want to lose my therapist because i think if i told her i would do it and utilize it she would not stop seeing me and i could maybe keep my classroom as a daycare teacher that is important to me i am scared of that. I am head teacher and have the degree they need me...i would hate to start over. my therapist is not telling me to self harm and knows it is dangerous she jsut knows she can't stop me at this point and stopped taking my stuff because i will just buy more...i have so much on my mind. she wants me to accept myself for who i am which would be great and stop trying to live up to other people's standards...so hard work...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hi Hermione-
Just wanted to check in & see how you're feeling and how the rest of your weekend went.

hermione3
Not feeling great I am

Not feeling great I am obsessed with my scale it is detrimental to everything...I have been off again and feeling like scared of myself and what i might do...i know i should eat more today but i don't want to...i feel fat and gross...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

What are your thoughts about taking a step of faith in your recovery & getting rid of the scale? I just want you to know that ED lies. The inner voices telling you that you are fat, gross, and undeserving of eating are just not at all the truth. Just want to affirm that you are beautiful & loved & worthy- regardless of how you may feel right now. <3 Praying for you and thinking of you.

London1621
Hugs

Hi, I'm sending you lots of hugs and I hope that you will be ok soon.

hermione3
thanks for the support having

thanks for the support having a hard time going to talk to my therapist tomorrow that i am having bad thoughts and am scared and yet don't want to be hospitalized but more so because of what others will think not even me i act fine so why would anyone think i have any problems...

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. I am sorry that you struggle so. I agree with the one who suggested getting rid of your scale. I recently shattered mine and I do not miss it. I understand how impossible this seems to be but you are not a number. God gives you your worth. I don't really understand why you don't want to go inpatient. Are uou afraid of letting people, family, down? It is not your fault they don't understand. My sister is a nurse and doesn't believe anything of the information put put there about eating disorders. So family members may never understand but please don't let that get in the way of your treatment. I am glad you are posting and getting support on the forum. Please know that you are important. You deserve to take time out to work on your recovery and health. Because I care, iwanttolive

hermione3
I am afraid of being

I am afraid of being hospitalized when I seem fine and then people don't understand why...it happens to me often like no one gets that I get depressed and suicidal and I may need the hospital...I see my therapist today she doesn't jump on hospitilzation but if she decides that's needed I need to do that

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. How did it go with your therapist? Just because you "seem to be fine" on the outside doesn't mean you are fine. I will pray for guidance and direction for you and your therapist. You have been through so much. I hope you can accept, radical acceptance, a skill from DBT, that your family just doesn't get it. Radically accepting doesn't mean they are right but that you choose to accept what your family doesn't understand and feel your emotions over it and then let go of trying to get them to understand. As I have mentioned in the past, my sister is a highly educated woman who thinks eating disorders are not real. She doesn't believe what the literature out there is true. So I have to accept where she is at even though she doesn't get me. I will be seeing her next month, she lives in CA. One night in a hotel. Yes it hurts that she doesn't understand nor do my other sisters.

I wish you the best and again, pray for you that you are able to do what is best for you.

iwanttolive

hermione3
My therapist cancelled and

My therapist cancelled and rescheduled to tomorrow I hate waiting another day...

justgina
hermoine3

Hi hermoine3,

I just wanted to check in to see how the meeting with your therapist goes today, hopefully you are able to see her! I'm sorry you had to wait. Let us know what happens!

I also saw your comment earlier about sometimes getting depressed/suicidal. You can ALWAYS reach out to us at the forums, but I care and want you to stay safe, so I want to provide some helplines in case you ever need them <3 Self-Harm Hotline: 1-800-366-8288. Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK.

We're here for you!

hermione3
Seeing my therapist made a

Seeing my therapist made a world of difference . I felt so much better after I saw her. I said the truth and she asked if I needed the hospital I said no of course but she asked really like do you plan to tonight I said no I will probably go home and fall asleep which was the truth I just needed to get it out. She said she is not giving me the attention for negative behaviors at all and I am doing that to play a game with my parents they don't even know they are playing and I keep upping the game and she is like that is when it is dangerous. She told me I need to stop going to an empty well they don't get me emotions I have her and the rest of my treatment team who will listen and are there for me. She said it's when I let it build up I just have to talk out my emotions sometimes and I need to let go of my black and white thinking. She said I need to stop blaming myself and let myself enjoy the things I say I enjoy and not keep paying penance for things I didn't do wrong. Like I have to torture myself with negative thinking and behaviors. It's not my fault I was abused it's that blame piece I hold on to.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I'm so glad that you had a quality session with your therapist:) I really like what she said about learning to let go of black and white thinking-- I know that's been such a struggle for me in my recovery, letting go of those negative self-blaming thoughts. Just want to reiterate what you already know: the abuse you had to endure is NOT in any way your fault. <3 I hope you are able to keep reminding yourself of that.

hermione3
Thanks it was good and black

Thanks it was good and black and white thinking hard to let go of for me i don't do well in gray. my therapist told me she is not going to stop me from behaviors but she said if i continue down my eating disorder path i could end up compromised and have no choice if sya i passed out at work and end up in a hospital and forced inpatient she is being realistic. i get it and am trying to get back on track but its hard. i have eaten but not enough and i know it because i know what is enough and what isn't...and not giving up the scale is going to prove detrimental as i want to keep losing ...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hi Hermione3- how is your week going? I have been thinking of you. I'm proud of you for trying to get back on track even though it's difficult. What small step could you take in the next few days to get closer to your goals for your meal plan? <3

hermione3
I have not been doing great

I have not been doing great had an extra session with my therapist and that made me not self harm but I have not been eating enough and I know that I want to lose to a certain number then allow myself to gain it back I know not good logic my therapist has been great as usual but I am ready to give up.. I am eating just not enough

Savedbygrace
You're not alone.

First, I am sorry you are struggling. I am in a similar boat. It seems no matter how much I pray for help, it doesn't last. It seems like thoughts always come back and I can't seem to get a grip on this Eating Disorder. Some say I just need to give it to GOD and just decide not to let it win, but it's not as easy as that. I'm trying, but it's exhausting. I will be praying for you. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

hermione3
Thank you for the support

Thank you for the support sorry you are struggling. I am having good sessions with my therapist which is helping i knwo i am still not eating enough i am eating but its not near my meal plan and i have lost some weight. My therapist is not stopping me she is just letting me make my choices she also said my nutritionist can deal with the food aspect. She is getting me a long string necklace with just a clasp and everytime i have a positive moment i add a bead no matter how small to just have a physical reminder of what to fight for i like the idea it see how it works...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I'm glad your sessions with your therapist have been helpful! I really like the idea of adding beads to the necklace- that's really cool. You'll have to let us know how that goes! Just want you to know that we're here for you & I will be thinking of you this week <3

hermione3
Thank you for your support.

Thank you for your support. Really my therapist is the only one keeping me sane. I am excited to start with the beads. I am in a bad spot sexual abuse anniversary coming up on Halloween and the next few months there is a lot of stuff that is hard and now I am struggling with eating and just want to lose weight. My therapist said she is not going to stop me but I know what the right decisions are and she is going to leave the food to my nutritionist but still asked how I am eating and that I should eat more and am too thin but I don't see it...

Savedbygrace
So sorry

About the sexual abuse. I am also a major Survivor, so I know where you're coming from. Is there anything you can do to prepare for the upcoming anniversary to make it easier to deal with when it happens? Just an idea.

hermione3
Thanks for the support. I

Thanks for the support. I decided to take the day off from work and hopefully seeing my therapist for lunch or dinner on Halloween being at work with kids in costumes and stuff is triggering we always talk about taking this day off and I just decided to. I plan on doing things I enjoy she said don't take the day off if you are going to sit in it.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

That sounds like a good idea to take off Halloween- I'm glad that you recognized that it would be triggering & are choosing to take care of yourself in this way <3

London1621
Hugs

Sending you Hugs.

hermione3
Thank you for the support I

Thank you for the support I hope I can make it an ok day and just relax and hopefully see my therapist. I am struggling because I weighed myself and am restricting and don't know why it is so high could be water weight or constipation but I hate it even though I am not supposed to be losing I know I should ditch the scale I just can't...

justgina
hermoine3

I'm glad you're going to do your best to try to make it a better day :) Eating disorders are such a complex mental illness, and things like ditching the scale can be much easier said than done. Recovery takes time and work, but it is always possible, and we need to celebrate the little steps to keep moving forward. Even acknowledging that you should ditch the scale is important :) You're SO much more than that number! We're here for you <3

justgina

kayleigh91
Scale1

Hi Hermoine!

I was just reading this thread, and I want to commend you on recognizing your triggers and making an action plan. You may have not seen in that way, but that is exactly what you did!
When I read your comments about the scale, I thought of something my husband told me. It was when I was deep into my eating disorder. Him and I were having a wonderful day together. I was in a great mood and extremely happy. Then, I got on the scale to check my weight and it was much higher than anticipated. I cried and was in a bad mood. He said, "Why did you do that? If it wasn't for the scale you would have never thought about that number."

Weighing yourself when you have an eating disorder is like asking to be unhappy. I KNOW it is hard to not weight yourself because you HAVE to know. Maybe just challenge yourself to not weigh yourself for one day. See how it feels. Deal with that anxiety of not knowing in a healthy manner. Distract yourself. Go shopping with some friends.

Try to remember that a number shouldn't dictate whether today is going to be a good or bad day.

hermione3
Thanks for the support I

Thanks for the support I shouldn't let the scale dictate if it is a good or bad day I did that yesterday and ended up using behaviors...I planned my day for my bad anniversary I hope my therapist can meet that day it will help a lot she said she probably could but said closer to the day... I need to use self care more I don't even take days off when sick...

hermione3
Thanks for the support I

Double post