National Eating Disorders Association

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So I was talking to my mom the past 2 days. The topic of my dad came up yesterday and she said nothing happened, and today asked if she should send me a scale. Wow. She knows I've never owned one. She brought up calories, too. It seems like she doesn't really understand my eating disorder. She told me that I'm smart and should just eat healthy. I told her it's not as simple as just eating healthy. She told me certain foods won't make me gain weight, so it shouldn't be an issue, so I said this is why I need to be in a hospital.


I am so sorry your mother is in such denial, and said nothing happened and wants to bring you a scale. Sounds like your mom has a lot of emotional difficulties of her own and needs help. Sometimes a wife/mother of a child that is being abused is also a victim of abuse as well. If she has to admit something did happen, then she would have to deal with her guilt over not protecting you. I have no idea what happened in your family other than what you have shared but it sounds like your mother is still living in fear of your dad, even though he died. The main victim being you, the secondary victim seems to be your Mom. When living with someone who is abusive, verbally or otherwise, it is very difficult to break free. That is why so many battered women go back to the one who abused them because they feel they don't deserve anything better, that it is their fault and the fear imposed on them by the abuser. I see it in my own family.

So if you are able to, can you separate out the denial of your mom and see that she may be suffering as a victim herself? I as you know, am not a professional, so I don't want to say much more, but this is what I think to me makes sense. What do you think?

I will continue to pray for you. Do you think getting some distance for a while from your mom may be helpful?


I'll do my best

First, I wanted to thank you for responding. Next, since it's a little long for me, I'll try to break down my answers to reply to your response.

In terms of my mom being a victim, I think she was. I remember my sister telling me that one time when they came over, my dad was pinning my mom down on the ground outside by our pool and she was crying.

There were vacations my dad wanted my mom to "play" and be "fun for once" in the bed next to me. I was 7.

I think that's one reason I hate the night. That and everything else that happened late at night.


Hi again, I thank you for taking the time to respond as I know how difficult it is for you. Does this understanding of your mother also being a victim help you understand your mom now? She may never have healed from it and probably feels guilt for what happened to you. Has she had any therapy of her own?
For now,

Not really

She's never gotten help, nor will she ever, get therapy.


Sending you hugs.

Thank you

I appreciate it.

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