National Eating Disorders Association

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monke
taking small steps

Hi. I am new to this forum and hopefully will continue to be an active member of it. Recently i've had a major breakdown. I say it was about two months ago or so. Couple of years back i started restricting my intake of food in a hope to lose weight or at least i thought so in the beginning. I live in a very neurotic environment where fights happen on daily bases. As i said, two months ago i had a major breakdown and i finally realized i am a sufferer of anorexia. The thing is it all started out as a weight losing method. In the beginning i started skipping meals, i had i drastic weight loss and people complimented me on it and i loved it. I was quite shy in school and still am to this day and i didn't really fit in. All i wanted to was to fit in. I didn't know i was actually doing terrible things to my body. I wasn't aware of any of my actions. Things started to kick in. I started feeling dizzy, i felt tired all the time, i could barely walk, i felt such weakness in my knees and so on.Then it got worse. I was left unconscious 3 times, i couldnt stop crying and was having anger outbursts. I decided it was finally time to tell my family. They took it okay. My mom said she noticed my strange behavior since the day i started it and by the time i realized what i was doing to myself my skin had gotten pale or some kind of yellowish shade, my nails had gone black but i've finally realized what im doing and one month ago i finally gathered the courage to make the first step and that is go to a psychiatrist. The first session went not so good. I could barely talk etc i wouldn't go into details. Yesterday was my second meeting with him and i was a mess and i don't even know why. I just don't know why but i can't really open up to him. Few days ago my heart started raising really fast and i was scared to death and it happened yesterday too. He said that i will continue with my therapy one more month and if i don't feel better they'll have me hospitalized for that matter. I took the next step. I started to educate myself about my disorder, reading recovery stories, joining this forum. I am determined to overcome this and i with all my strength i will get my life back together. As of now i am very anxious and i know it will take some time and lots of patience but i will do it. I hope i'll make some friends here and help as much as i can. <3

Adage
Welcome to the forums monke.

Welcome to the forums monke.
You're in good company here.
I'm sorry to hear its been so tough for you. But I am glad to hear that you are taking steps toward recovery. Seeing a psychologist is a highly recommended part of recovery. The other part is seeing a dietician. Speaking of which, have you talked to your doctor about the physical symptoms you've expressed here? They might be able to help you in some way. They might be able to send you to a dietician additionally.

NEDA has a helpline if you're interested in trying to talk some more. Trained professionals are available Monday-Thursday from 9:00AM-9:00PM and Friday from 9:00AM-5:PM EST.

I hope things become a little easier in therapy. It certainly takes time to get used to therapy so try not to be to hard on yourself if you're having difficulty opening up.

Here are some links in the mean time:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/self-care-master-post
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/developing-and-maintaining-posit...
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/stories-of-hope

Keep us updated.

- Adage

monke
Thanks so much for your reply

Thanks so much for your reply. I have expressed my concerns with my doctor, yes. The thing is, i've thought about it a lot as well, i don't think he's he right fit for me. I've had a discussion with my mom about switching to a different psychiatrist. Don't get me wrong, i really think he's great at this job but his approach is not working for me. I have an appointment with him sometime next week. So yeah, we'll see how it goes and go from there. Idk, i guess i've always had a difficulty opening up to people so i'll give my best shot at our next meeting. i've checked out the links you mentioned and they really helped me to get through these two weeks. School has started so it's been quite the challenge, but i think i'm doing alright so far. Again, thank you for the support, it means a whole lot.

Adage
You're very welcome!

You're very welcome!
I'm enthralled to hear that my post was so well received.
Its always good to be aware of what works and what doesn't and to make changes accordingly.
There's not much use in continuing to try to make a method work if it doesn't.
I've responded to your other thread as well, btw.

But keep on keeping on.
The road to recovery is one that none of us have to walk alone.

- Adage

iKristine
Welcome!

Welcome!

I'm sorry that things aren't going well and that life is so tough right now. It sounds like you're living in a pretty chaotic environment and that can be tough even in the best of circumstances.

I think it's pretty normal to feel uncomfortable when you first start seeing a therapist. It's hard to open up about having an ED, especially when you're not used to talking about your ED and the person you're speaking to is a total stranger. You're also asked to confront things in therapy that you might ignore in your every day life. That's important for recovery but it can also leave you feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed. That sense of vulnerability should get better as you get to know your psychiatrist but if it doesn't get better after another few visits you can talk to him about why you're uncomfortable or go find another therapist.

If you find it hard to talk about your ED and the other challenges in your life it might help to start keeping a journal. That can help you organize your thoughts, process your emotions, and get you more comfortable describing your thoughts and the things in your life.

If you ever need anything just let us know! There's always plenty of people on the forums.
iKristine

monke
That's exactly how i felt

That's exactly how i felt during the first two sessions. I also felt so ashamed of my own actions that i couldn't find the words to say. I have an appointment with him next week, fingers crossed it goes well. And yup, i started a journal and i occasionally write in it. It really does help a lot.

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