National Eating Disorders Association

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deadlybeauty527
Struggling

I have had an eating disorder for about 4 and a half years ago but it wasn't until last July that anybody knew about it. I entered treatment for a short period of time but due to finances I could no longer stay. Shortly after I thought I was doing really well! I was still struggling from time to time, especially around my family because they just don't understand but for the most part I felt like I had it under control. Around the holidays I started to slip up a little more and then about a month ago I went downhill....fast. Since then, I have really struggled with my eating disorder, self harm and depression. These past few days have been the worst of them all. I have been so depressed and I have had the worst thoughts in my head.

Today, I woke up in a decent mood but that didn't last long. I just binged and when I went to go purge nothing came up. Its like my body is saying 'No' to me and I can't handle that right now. All I can think about are all of the things that I just ate and the fact that I have to go to work soon and everyone is going to be looking at how fat and disgusting I am. I am a wreck on my bathroom floor and I want nothing more then to self harm right now.

If ED is my best friend, why does he continue to hurt me so much?!

You're bigger than this struggle

Thank you for reaching out to us. You are bigger than this struggle and you can get through this.
First of all, there are valuable resources on the neda website for finding affordable therapists and support groups. Eating disorders are very isolating, and I know it can be really hard to find an affordable one. Also, until then, the NEDA hlp line is always a resource if you are in those moments where you feel like you could really benefit from talking to someone right in that moment.
Also, Ed likes to hold everything against us. He'll say things like, "Well you already binged, that means you have to listen to me for the rest of the day. Take a break from recovery today."

I want to encourage you to take the next step towards recovery, wherever you are. It's never too late, you've never gone too far to come back. You can get to that place again, even if it looks far away right now.