National Eating Disorders Association

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missy33
Stop Binge Eating

Hey yall again, so I know I just posted stated I have EDNOS, but I was wondering if any of yall who have EDNOS or binge eating would like to come together on this site and try to communicate with each other when we are feeling the urge to go on binges, but know we shouldn't. I know I am struggling with bingeing then restricting and just a lot of other stuff, but it would be great and very helpful if anyone wants to chat and try to help each other out to stop or limit bingeing. Thanks!

michael26
hey!

Hi Missy!

I think that your idea is a great one! I've dealt with binge eating before so I can relate.

I do have a thought, though, about using these forums as accountability. As far as support, I definitely believe we can help when we are feeling urges. I guess I would just be cautious because sometimes these forums aren't immediate response-wise. So, if you have an urgent need, I would recommend reaching out to people you can trust who could provide more immediate help. But besides that, I think your idea is awesome and I'd love see these forums help us like that!

missy33
thanks :) and Ya, I

thanks :) and Ya, I definitely know that there wouldn't be an immediate response, but I know for me with my ednos I restrict, binge, and just have a vicious cycle and even though it isn't immediate responses I think talking to people who understand what I am going through would be beneficial in the long run, because for me I can look back on the forum and see what others have said when I am feeling the urge to binge. and sometimes when I talk to people who don't have eating issues they tell me and encourage my binges, because they think it is healthier than restricting. but I do agree with what you have said.

michael26
ok! let's help each other!

That's great to know that you can recognize the limitations of the forums. But there are still thens we can do!

How are you doing right now? Have you found any ways to help break the cycle? I once was caught in that cycle, so I know how it is.

missy33
It has been really tough

It has been really tough lately. I thought I was able to try to eat normal; so I was trying that when my mom was just here, but I ended up just bingeing, because I was eating my non-safe foods. so now I am going back to restricting, and am telling myself I cannot and will not binge, since I don't like the outcome of my binges. So I am still lost if not more than before. I don't really like trying to change. it is too hard.

michael26
Hope = hold on, pain ends

I don't know how much you are aware of the cycle, but I don't want to sound like I'm schooling you. I just want to help.

Our ed's want us to have very specific rules with food. Such as having safe foods. This only gives power to ed, setting us up for binges later on. If we make a direct attempt to include or unsafe food we help prevent these binges later on.

It's not your fault that we have these things to consider! You can change for the better! Eating normal is possible!

vic_7734
Hi, I did not mean to be rude

Hi, I did not mean to be rude and cut your conversation, but I read your comments/replies in this topic. I want to ask you a couple of questions:
What are ednos and 'safe foods'? And how is 'ednos' different from 'binge eating' and 'bulimia'?
Thank you very much.

Fyi: I am currently dealing with an eating disorder as well. I believe I have symptoms of both binge eating and bulimia.

eghall
welcome!

Hi!

I'm glad you came to us with your questions. EDNOS is "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified". It refers to eating disordered behaviors and symptoms that don't fall under the full diagnosis of Anorexia, Bulimia and Binge Eating Disorder. Ednos is no less serious, however. Here is more information: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/eating-disorders-not-otherwise-sp...

Safe foods is a term used by many sufferers to describe what foods one might eat that doesn't scare them to eat or further feed their eating disorder. Many times in recovery one is challenged to try a new food not on the 'safe foods' list. This list is basically another symptom of disordered eating. We should all avoid having lists like this, as everybody needs a balanced variety of foods.

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering. Have you told anyone what is going on?

missy33
Thanks! I hope one day I can

Thanks! I hope one day I can too. can I ask you what you were diagnosed with and if you have recovered or are in recovery? and I want to incorporate like one or two unsafe foods, but then I fear putting too many calories in me. I do not like this cycle at all. But it's happening.

missy33
I am just really scared.

I am just really scared.

michael26
It's scary for sure, but you are strong!

It's ok! Incorporating a few unsafe foods will be a challenge, yes, but one that can be accomplished. Do you see a dietician? She would be able to help adjust your meal plan so that your worries can be better addressed. But, I have full confidence that you are strong and able to do this!

As far as myself, I'm fairly new to recovery. I started residential treatment almost a year ago, may 29, 2012. I have ednos like you, with greater tendencies towards bulimia. Have you been able to seek support from a specialist yet? It is very difficult to walk the road of recovery alone, so surrounding ourselves with friends, family, and professionals is crucial.

missy33
I am seeing a dietitian and a

I am seeing a dietitian and a counselor, and while I do have other support, I feel like no one else understands and just tells me to stop my bad habits, but I can't. So my outside of therapy support is a little shaky. I try to do what the dietitian says, but part of me doesn't want to and can't. My tendencies with ednos vary, so I feel I am not severe and my counselor just briefly said I have ednos so I don't really know what is going on.

Congratulations on your recovery though. Taking those steps is very brave and I look up to you so much for doing that. So are you in an in-patient treatment then? If you don't mind me asking.

melanie86
Definitely agree with

Definitely agree with Micheal26, I don't binge and purge everyday, and I have noticed it is mainly the days when I've had my 'unsafe' foods and I'm not meaning unhealthy, I'm meaning the foods that are not part of my binge and purge routine.
And congratulations Michael26 on your road to recovery, I look forward to hearing more from you as well.

missy33
Maybe when we have the urge

Maybe when we have the urge to eat our unsafe foods, instead of going on a binge, we can try to come on here? i know that is hard and were not always on this forum, but maybe it would release some energy to write something, because i know i need a better way to release my energy and anger.

melanie86
Coming together

Hi, I would absolutely love to chat with you and help each other out to talk through everything. I have struggled with an eating disorder for 10 + years; however, it did go underground for some time. As a lately...probably the last 4 months my binge and purging episodes have been getting progressively worse, and must take control and find my way to learning to control it and what my triggers are. No one (family, friends, boyfriend, doctor) around me knows that it has come back and I'm scared to talk to anyone about it, so this is why I have turned to being a part of this forum. Looking forward to helping each other out!

missy33
That would be great to be

That would be great to be able to chat with you. I am so sorry to hear that your eating disorder is coming back. I know you are stronger than your eating disorder and you will be able to get through it. I believe in you! Do you think you would want to seek treatment or tell someone close to you?
For me, I really want to stop my bingeing. I usually don't purge, but I have been having the urge to purge, but haven't been successful which I guess could be a good thing. but even when I restrict I want to purge. i feel things are getting worse, but this forum is really helping me during the times when i feel lost and that no one can understand. and then but then i feel i want to get better, but then really don't want to..

melanie86
SO happy to hear! I

SO happy to hear! I definitely know I can get back on track, this particular ED was not so prominent when everything started. Back in 2003 when everything started I was in and out treatment centers and hospitals around the U.S through 2008. I haven't been in an inpatient center since, but I have had outpatient therapy...however, the pass 4 years I haven't seen anyone except a psychiatrist...who I have mentioned to him that I've been really off track for the pass 4 months or so....he sadly doesn't specialize in ED so it is a bit difficult for him to understand - but I can say I know he does the best he can. But I don't even see him but every 2-3 months. So that is really the only doctor/person I've talked to about anything having to do with my ED and its current state. I would like to tell someone close to me, but I can't even put into words on how scared I am, with what they do, how they would respond to everything occurring again...and also to this particular ED that is more 'active' this time around then the ones I dealt with in the pass.
I'm happy to know you are open to talking about what you are going through each day and what you're feeling. Do you write anything down? Like what you're feeling at the moment before you binge?Or what you feel after you binge? Is it a certain time of day? Place? Certain day even? What other stressors do you have going on in your life?
This may sound 'odd' but I'm so so happy to know/hear you're not purging, I can't tell you what it does to the body. And I can speak about because of what I feel my body goes through - the feeling afterwards - the rest of the day...the next day, everything.
You said even when you restrict you want to purge, is it because you feel you need to something even more?

missy33
I really think you can get

I really think you can get back on track too. You seem like you really want to and that you are a strong person. And I am not sure what your thoughts are about talking to someone who concentrates in eating disorders, but I know on this site they have NEDA navigators who can help set ya up with counselors and such. It seems like you don’t want the ED to take over your life, but it is coming on strong, which can be scary, yet also comforting. That is how it is for me I know.
I told my parents that I thought I had some sort of eating issues and I know that was scary for me, but then I felt guilty when I didn’t tell them about what I was doing with my eating and my various others negative coping methods. I know it can be very hard. Did the people close to you help you through it back in 2003-2008? And when you were going through treatment was it for one specific ED or was it a variety of different things from restricting to bingeing and purging? If you don’t mind me asking.
Sometimes I write things down, but lately I have just been doing other negative behaviors to cope with my stress of food, which I know isn’t good. I usually just think about how I am feeling before and after and during a binge and always plan what my next step is to stop another binge or to get rid of the calories I ate, but I usually fail at that. And I usually start off each day restricting, but if I am extremely hungry or stressed out with school or how my life is going I usually end up bingeing, which is either in late afternoon or nighttime. It is usually when I am sitting at home by myself thinking. I just feel like my life has been spiraling out of control for about 3 years, but I started the eating habits back in September; but I know they are wrong, so I decided to talk to a dietitian and counselor but I am thinking about stopping. I just feel the counseling and dietitian has brought up a lot of feelings that I do not want to feel at this moment. Every little thing in my life stresses me out; from school to sports to not knowing who I am as a person anymore to relationships with family, friends, and my boyfriend. Everything is uncertain. I think I know one thing but then my ED tells and has me act otherwise. I hate it, but it is a sense of comfort.
And I suppose it is good that I haven’t been successful at purging, but when I overeat I don’t like that I can’t get rid of it. And lately as therapy has gotten more in-depth I find myself not satisfied on my binge days with my binges, and even less satisfied with my restricting. Like I feel that the number I eat isn’t ever low enough, but I have a lot of commitments in my life that need to get taken care of, so I know I need some food to keep myself going.
What do you think you want to do for your next step in regards to the bingeing and purging? I really think you can overcome it and be ED free  sorry this is so long!

melanie86
Hi Missy! I'm sorry it has

Hi Missy! I'm sorry it has taken my a couple days to get back to you, I wish these replies came through my email, that way I can respond a bit quicker. The pass few days for me have been crazy - lucky enough I havent binged and purged though.
As I read your last response, I was shaking my head and thinking how much you and I are alike, and how and when and what triggers us and all. I'm going to start from the top with replying to your reply (lol).
I definitely want to get help; however, I honestly can not tell my parents about what is going on, they will flip - not know what to do and even back when everything was in threshold of it all going on, they never knew how to respond, or what really was going on or how to even talk to me (and that's not my ED talking - therapists and specialists literally have told them straight to their face..." what in the world, how does someone respond like that, do you see how you make her feel?" And also my boyfriend doesn't know anything about me, and I mean nothing. I haven't had the courage to let him know about the last 10 years of my life and why I am where I am today at 27 years old. I know this may sound crazy or plain odd, but I try to pray - I was born an raised Catholic, but I'm not a practicing Catholic - my mom and dad are, but when everything was going I got out of it and felt I was cursed....now, I've begun to think, things happen for a reason, and I'm copping with my stress or disappointments through bingeing and purging (B&P) bc I don't want to face the actual problem. I don't even know if this is making sense. Like, I know what to do when I'm stressed out, tackle the actual stressor head on - when I try to ignore what is stressing me out the most thats when I turn to B&P and then the stressor itself gets only bigger and then I add more stress to myself bc I turned to B&P. It's a vicious cycle...and on top of it, I'm loopy, light headed, sick feeling, glands and throat swollen, bloated, disgusted with myself bc of what I just did. And I completely agree with you, B&P doesnt even satisfy me anymore, like I need or 'black out' and do it again, bc I cant face anything or anyone else. And it also happens for me in the evenings, night, or late night. I even will sometimes try a purposely stay at bf's place but I sometimes can't even fall asleep bc then I start thinking about B&P and I've done it about a handful of times make up an excuse to leave him and go B&P. I hate myself. And then I spiral out of control and at times it'll affect my job, I'll feel so completely terrible and like ive been drugged I cant even get up in the morning, literally.
I write things down a lot, and I have such inspirational (all healthy) quotes and feelings all at my finger tips that I tell myself to look at or remember when I have an urge, but I literally cant see or think about anything else sometimes but B&P.
When I was in college (I went to the university of florida) I lived by myself...worst. thing. ever. I was at my heaviest. I would binge on things all the time - almost everyday. ANd restrict and then get animal style hunger and binge and binge and put myself into a coma to where I'd fall asleep and couldnt even make it to purge (sorry for being so detailed) it was the worse, and I was crazy and again the heaviest I had ever been. To tell u the truth I have no idea how I finished college with honors - but I did luckily.
With going to back to my feelings, behaviors, thoughts now and is this current 'hell im in, I know what I need to do to be healthy, more specifically food wise. I know diets and pills and all the bull everyone talks about is not the way to go....no matter what. Diets (even what are described as "healthy") are not something you and I need to do and focus on and think is the right thing, bc sadly you and I will always have a different state of mind than those who haven't suffered (I know many people would hate me saying what I just said - but oh well) What you and I know is what is healthy what is not. It is just about moderation and when, knowing why we need this to help fuel our bodies for the day, and the future ahead. I know you can change, it will take time - just like myself, and what needs to be done is baby steps, literally meal by meal - which I know is scary, bc it is scary for me everyday. I'm here to listen and voice anything I can to you....even if it doesn't make sense (which I'm sure a lot of this doesn't) I can tell you are a veryyyy smart girl with amazing potential and you're screaming to get of this...because otherwise you wouldn't be on this forum...just like myself. :) I'll be here for you, I think there was a reason I chose to reply to you over others. :) and again, sorry for the typos and if this doesnt make sense at all...im also at work and trying to type quick!
Mel

missy33
Melanie,

Melanie,
No worries at all! I know it would be nice if we could get an email alert when someone writes on this forum. And that is amazing that you didn’t B&P. That is a huge accomplishment and a step in the right direction! Great job! :)
I definitely agree, we have a lot of the same behaviors and actions and thoughts in common. As unfortunate as it is that we have to both struggle with these urges, it definitely is really nice to know that someone else understands and isn’t pushing me to “just get better.” And everything you wrote makes complete sense to me. Lol. Thank you so much for replying to this forum. I feel a sense of relief that I can talk to someone about my struggles and not just sound like a girl who a million issues that can’t seem to get under control. I know it definitely can be scary telling your loved ones about the struggles you are going through in fear of disappointment and not knowing their reactions. When I told mine, I didn’t have many problems; I just knew my obsessiveness over food was not healthy at all. But now that I seem to be getting worse I haven’t been able to tell them everything. Because like you, my parents do not understand this. They want me to get better, but think my actions are “taboo” and get mad at me for doing them, which just fuels the fire and I get worse to try to prove a point. I think getting skinnier will make me happy, but as I have found out nothing right now will make me happy other than over coming this. And I know I don’t know you or your boyfriend, but I found that telling mine about my issues has helped a lot. He is the most supportive person in my life right now. I had a rough day yesterday and ate a little too much, not a binge, but not restricting, and I did attempt to purge and I was honest with him, and even though it hurt him and me I felt that if I could tell someone what I was doing then it could maybe help me stop the behaviors in the future. I know it may be hard, but as you told me with taking each day day by day and meal by meal, maybe when you stay the night at your bf’s trying one time to stay there and not binge, or taking a step back and taking deep breathes, then writing down why you feel you need to binge. I know easier said than done. And I definitely know what you mean with not feeling satisfied anymore. I tend to restrict then binge, and now I have more often been trying to purge. Not that I am proud of it. And now none of that satisfies me. I can binge and feel excited about it, but after feel worse than ever, and when I try to purge I get mad that I am not too successful. I get anxious for eating the right amount, eating too much, and eating too little. So nothing is working anymore and it well quite frankly sucks.
I think it is great that you are writing things down and really thinking about your decisions, because I know for me it really opens up my eyes to new things and new reasons as to why I am doing what I am doing my behaviors. I need to learn a healthier way to cope with my emotions instead of hiding them with food and other various negative things I do.
Congrats on graduating with honors! That is such a huge accomplishment. I am currently in college now, finishing up in December as long as I can control my eating stuff and I feel I put all my effort that I have on school and that is why I don’t take care of myself. I feel I work so hard and don’t get the reward I want so I punish myself. And I am doing exactly what you did in college. I live with others, but hide in my room to restrict and then as you said get “animal style hungry” and eat so much. But I really am scared to keep bingeing, because I have been trying to purge more and I absolutely hate that about myself. I completely agree with you that we can’t go on diets. It is too much of a struggle and an effort to follow a diet because they trigger our unhealthy habits, and then become more entrenched in our eating disorders.
Wow, another long one, lol, sorry. But thank you so so so much for all the support and help and kind words. Chatting with you has helped me realize I am not as alone as I thought I was and that someone else understands. Thanks again! If you need anything don’t hesitate to write. I try to check the forum frequently, and will write ya back when I can. I really think you can get through this and are very strong. Keep believing that things will get better. :) 

michael26
Checking In

Hi Missy and Melanie! (lol it is cool that our names all start with "m")

To answer your question, Missy, after residential I entered a partial hospitalization program as a step-down. I spent a month or two there and have been outpatient ever since. Thank you for the congratulations on recovery, I would thank my treatment team, though more! I was not an easy case for them!

I also wanted to check in on both of you girls to see how you are. How has the week been? Have you found any new ways to help avoid behaviors?

Hope to hear back soon!

missy33
It gives me hope to know that

It gives me hope to know that recovery is possible! thank you! :) and thanks for checking in! :) that means a lot
and as for me, this week has been really hard. I restricted more than usual and freaked out today because I ate a very large lunch, even though it was my only meal. I didn't binge, which I am extremely proud of, but I feel that I am attempting to purge more, and I told myself I wouldn't do that, but things have just been so out of control this week, that I felt I had too. And I told my treatment team, but I just keep seeing a downward spiral occur. and part of me does want to get out of that downward spiral.
but how has your week been?

michael26
Hope = Hold on, pain ends.

Hey Missy!

I'm sorry it has been a tough week! Let's try to focus on the good! It is great that you are communicating this to your treatment team, that's real strength! Have you discussed with them how to make things less stressful, maybe lower those urges around meal time? Perhaps you can come up with some ideas around a distraction list? Some things you can do during and after meal times to and help?

My week has gone well. My therapist cancelled my Monday appointment and was really looking forward to talking with her. But I'll see her on Friday!

missy33
I am trying to focus on the

I am trying to focus on the positives in a more positive way than usual, and that is helping a little bit. I think therapy is helping, I just don't like the change.
And I am glad you are doing well! I am sorry to hear about the cancelled appointment, but that is great that she has you scheduled for Friday. do you usually talk with her twice a week?

michael26
No, she was just very nice

No, she was just very nice and put me in her schedule later in the week. She and I have a close correspondence where I can send her emails daily if I need. Maybe you could ask your therapist if she would be ok with something like that? It sure has been helping me, so perhaps you can think about trying it?

missy33
That's definitely very good!

That's definitely very good! And she said I can email her, along with the dietitian, but I just feel guilty for emailing; but then again since I seen to be getting worse maybe it would help. I am not sure. and I just currently want to binge so bad. I am tired of these urges.

missy33
So, unfortunately I binged

So, unfortunately I binged today and really am hating myself for it, but tomorrow is new day, and I can stop myself tomorrow. how did yall's week go?

eghall
You make me smile!

Hi Missy33!

I just want to say that I love the attitude you have. As much as you hated yourself in that moment, you still realized that tomorrow is a new day. That's something we should all remind ourselves of every day!

missy33
thank you very much eghall! I

thank you very much eghall! I'm trying very hard to not let ed take over every single aspect of my life, whether that is saying one positive thing about something! But it definitely is challenging.

eghall
So proud of you

That is such a wonderful idea! Even if you don't believe the positivity behind your statement, I believe that if you do the action, the thoughts will eventually follow. And that positivity is what recovery is all about! It's like they say, fake it til you make it.

missy33
Thanks! :) And today I had

Thanks! :) And today I had another realization. I used to be a competitive basketball player since about age 5 and around when I quit my ed started up again. so I decided today to take my workouts differently. I am joining a gym off away from my college campus and am going to try to slowly get back into basketball. I was too nervous today, but I felt working out it made me realize that I can go back to happiness with sports, but also work on my emotions around sports. And while I felt good in the moment of working out and that I can overcome ed I know I wont just bounce back to being normal and healthy, but I do think I can eventually. working out in a different area back how I used too made me more confident. yes I did still count how many calories I burned and still had ed thoughts while I was there and I know I still am going to have my sessions of bingeing/trying to purge, and restricting, but that small realization, even though that realization scared me since I don't 100% want ed gone, it made me realize I need to believe in myself again and that there is hope. while this realization was good, it definitely scared me because I am not ready to stop losing weight or to stop weighing myself, or counting calories, and I am mad that whenever something happy or good happens I feel I don't deserve it, but I need to do like you said eghall and say positive things even if i don't believe it yet. but I do believe there is hope not just for me, but for everyone struggling with eating disorders or disordered eating thoughts.

eghall
There is always hope

I am glad you are putting in the effort to find things that will help you! That is another positive step. Nothing happens overnight so it's good that you realize things will happen over time. Just be careful about letting ed into the gym. Working out could quickly become something that ed obsesses about and he could potentially make it "his" activity instead of something that works towards recovery. I like where you head is at though! Keep up the positivity (not always easy, I know) and keep thinking about ways you can help yourself!

missy33
Ya, I definitely am a bit

Ya, I definitely am a bit worried about letting ed into the gym, and already see it being negative, but am glad I am trying to find the positive. But now since I was happy today and feel I shouldn't be happy I am bingeing again today, and am feeling worse about myself and I don't know what to do or how to stop or cope with this. I don't want to turn to my negative behaviors but I already am. however, I am still trying to be somewhat positive.

eghall
You do deserve happiness

You deserve to be happy and feel positive! Ed makes you feel unworthy, but every single one of us IS worthy and deserving. You are no exception to that.

missy33
Thank you very much. I am

Thank you very much. I am trying to think that, it is just hard.

missy33
.

.

melanie86
Hi Missy, MIchael and Eghall!

Hi Missy, MIchael and Eghall!

Missy33 - so sorry again about my extreme delay in repsonse...I was actually with my bf the whole weekend and didnt check anything on the computer....
I completely understand everything you said and know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm definitely scared to tell my b/f anything about my history and also what is currently going on, bc then I'll freak out (even more) to whenever we are eating or anything around food or comments that I, he or others could make - he (my bf) may think I'm triggered by something or i'm not just 'eating' (like when I can be "alright" at times with eating whats in front of me) I just don't want him thinking that I'll "doing something" with the food after, or I'm in my head etc.
I'm sorry to hear about you having a slip up - remember that does NOT mean you're back at square one, it's just a bump in road. You are on this forum and talking about it to me, Michael, anyone and are open to admitting what you're doing and knowing your behavior. And I'm not just saying this because I'm on this and feel as though I'm in a similar position as you, I'm saying this because it is true. We know our eating behaviors are not "normal"....whatever normal is - but I feel as though we are all trying the best we can with where we are at in our lives. I actually didn't pass the whole weekend without B&P, I did it last night...again left my bf's place bc of how badly i wanted to do it - and how I was thinking about it practically the whole weekend. It was exactly a week since I last B&P (Monday to Monday) better than I've been doing previous weeks/ months. I know it is certainly not about the food and the taste bc I'm so crazy about what I choose to eat for my B&P episodes, it is a true addiction for me, like a drug - that I have to do, its weird, after I'm finished it's like I can see clearly again, and my mind is not preoccupied (even though it is consumed constantly with everything).
I was reading about your gym strategy and I definitely agree with Eghall and even what you said yourself...be careful getting back into strict routine or why you're going to the gym, what you're doing, what you're monitoring. It is a healthy choice, not unless you're using the gym in an abusive way to yourself. You clearly have a drive having playing competitive basketball that many do not have...which is wonderful, but don't forget there are healthy areas to be committed and driven and also not so healthy areas where you dont need to be driven and committed to. Do you think there would be a better time for you to go to the gym other times? Maybe where there wouldn't be as many triggers for you? Both internal and external triggers?
I was the same way about my universities gyms, I couldn't go - I had A LOT of triggers - internal and external.
I hope you all are having a smooth day today so far. I've been up and down today - but haven't B&P which is of course good. I promise to try and check this as often as I can! :)
Again, wish I had a direct alert! Thinking about you all!

Melanie

missy33
Hey Melanie,

Hey Melanie,
I know it can definitely be hard to tell your bf. But that is a great step that you only B&P once a week, (the Monday to Monday). That is a huge accomplishment. And I definitely know what you mean that bingeing leaves you feeling more clear. For me it definitely does, because it is giving me nutrition that I lack the rest of the time. Would maybe talking to a counselor or dietitian help so you can have another outlet, instead of telling your bf right now? They may be able to help you figure out ways to tell him. I agree, sometimes outside people just don’t understand. Like my bf gets confused and honestly encourages my binges. And since I am unsuccessful at purging he just hates that I attempt it, then gets more confused; but I do know that having him calm me down or just being there is helpful when I feel like everyone else is judging me. But I still think it is a great step that you only left your bf’s house once to B&P throughout the whole weekend. That is a huge accomplishment!!
And yes, I do sometimes obsess at the gym and stay for hours and can’t stop, so I don’t want to get into that habit, but I have been told by a personal trainer that I can lose more weight, but then I have my dietitian telling me that I am in a healthy weight range. Which makes me happy and mad since I want to lose weight. I think it would be best to go to the gym for me, just to get exercise. Because if I go when I want to binge or am stressed I just workout until I burn up calories an until I feel dizzy. If I go out of just wanting some exercise I feel it doesn’t trigger me to over work myself or to partake in my negative actions, but if I go out of spite things aren’t the healthiest. But it makes me so hungry working out, which frustrates me, because as much as I know it is bad to purge I keep and keep trying when I over eat. And quite frankly I get so frustrated that I can’t get rid of it. But I know I shouldn’t be doing that.
That has been great that even with a rough day you haven’t B&P. my day was good, but with going to my dietitian I got stressed and just want to eat, since I am exhausted and am seeing my boyfriend tonight and have to drive far. I just want energy, but I know I will binge. I do not know if this makes sense, but I feel that I just need to get worse to then get better. I feel I am in limbo with my eating issues and they aren’t severe enough for help so I am just wasting everyone’s time. I really hope your day has turned around, and that you stay strong in that you do not need to B&P. I know easier said than done, but try to remember you are worth it and that believing in yourself is the biggest thing. Again I am so happy that you haven’t B&P today. It reminds me that it is possible to curb urges for the better! Keep persevering! :)

-Missy

Usmcgordonce
Ive been suffering for 6

Ive been suffering for 6 years. I'm in San Diego. Is anybody interested in communicating/accountability through the phone?! I need it.
-- ceg

_admin_moderator
Welcome!

Welcome to our online forums! We are glad you found us and are writing on here. Just wanted to let you know that we removed your phone number for your protection. It's for your privacy and anonymity. However, if you want people to speak with in San Diego, we can help find you a support group if you're interested. Please keep writing to us on these forums as well!

missy33
Hey Usmcgordonce,

Hey Usmcgordonce,
I am so sorry to hear about your ED. I hope you are able to find a support group down in SD. If there is anything that you need; to talk, vent, ask questions just let me know. I have had ups and downs with unhealthy eating habits that has been affecting me. eating issues are taking over my life, but I am trying slowly but surely to get back on a healthy track. If you don't mind me asking, have you thought about maybe seeing a counselor and/or a dietitian. I always want to cancel on mine, but I know it will only help me to keep going. Hope you are having a good day! :)

michael26
Resources!

Hey! Thanks so much for the post! I know how difficult it can be to come forward with eating disorders.

Do you know about NEDA's resources? You can call the Helpline number at 1-800-931-2237 during the day. They can help you find more resources in your area.

Have you heard of NEDA's Navigators? They can be another support structure that allows for a one-to-one interaction to form via email. You can learn more through this link:

www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/neda-navigators

How are you doing? Anyway we can help?

eghall
Glad you found us

Hi Usmcgordonce -

I'm sorry to hear you have been suffering for so long. You mentioned you need contact and help for accountability. Are you interested in a phone support group? Have you ever been treated for your ED?

michael26
Checking In

Hey Missy!

How have you been? I know that holiday weekends can be triggering. How did it go for you?

missy33
Hey Michael thanks for

Hey Michael thanks for checking in. The holiday weekend was alright. I have been overeating, not bingeing though this past week quite often. but there has been a lot of stress yesterday and today just being frustrated with letting my boyfriend down and stressed with my dietitian meeting/counseling meeting; so that triggered me to binge today, which makes me mad. But I did think things were getting better, now I am just not so sure I want to get better. I told my counselor that today and she told me that I have to want to it, else it won't get better. so I am just now stuck again. but anyway not to sound like such a downer. I am sorry. How are things with you from the holidays and this week so far?

michael26
hey!

Hey Missy! I'm sorry that you had a rough day and a difficult session. I know how it is hard to not blame ourselves! But try to remember all of the good decisions we have made instead of the one or two bad decisions we might make once in a while.

I don't want to contradict what your therapist said, and I want to say a phrase that has helped me! A girl I met in treatment was such an inspiration to me. She told me one day when I was struggling that "you don't have to want, you just have to be willing".

So are you willing? I believe you are! There's no need for bad feelings. You are doing great!

missy33
Hey, thanks so much for the

Hey, thanks so much for the encouragement! That is a really good saying. I think I am willing, since I continue going, so I guess that is a right step in the positive direction. I could just never eat normal any day, so that is why I feel like a failure. But thank you so much! :)

melanie86
Hi Missy! I just played

Hi Missy! I just played catch up (as now it seems pretty usually) with the stream of messages....my huge accomplishment turned into a B&P episode Thursday evening and then all day yesterday too...to the point where I told my boss I was working from home (even though that was true, but I mainly B&P instead of working) so yesterday wasn't good for me. I actually took a huge step this pass weekend w my bf and I told him that I "use" to have an eating disorder - didnt tell what ED it was or any details or even that I'm currently struggling with B&P now, I just told him when the ED was going on/started etc. He didnt ask any further questions, I'm pretty sure he was unsure how to respond.....What did you mean by your boyfriend getting confused and then it encourages your binges? Has he ever helped you to the point where you've overcame a "craving" an episode where you wanted to binge and you didn't bc of him?
That is good you that about yourself with the gym - that is very important...however, I can understand your 'torn' thoughts with talking to a personal trainer and then having talked to your dietitian and. The number ONE thing I would tell you to do is to not get advice from a personal trainer or someone who is training for a fitness competition or eats crazy things and meal preps for the week ahead etc. Because I TRULY believe they have a slight problem/obsession themselves...some may call disagree with me and say, no, it's a healthy lifestyle...for me, and what I've learned over the past 10 years it is truly not something (i feel) we need to open our ears and minds to. I feel you know what is healthy, just your mind takes over and doing what you know is right sometimes just seems impossible. Exercise is healthy - all in moderation, not just for the vanity effect, but heart, mind, release, etc (and you know that) Would it be wise and best for you to work out in the morning or afternoon? Because didn't you say your binges and worse urges are in the evening? For your binges, do you go out and get food or eat what you have? If you keep healthy foods at your place - fruits, yogurts, proteins, good carbs - eat something before you workout and have exactly what you'll eat or drink for your post workout snack that might could help with the hunger. High fiber, high protein - anything that takes longer to digest ....but in a good way! It wont make you feel as hungry constantly from working out or maybe even help with binges.
You know what I've noticed the last few months, not only on the days that I B&P i'm dizzy and weak, out of it, disgustingly bloated (whether it was a good purge or not - i still am either way) - that night I sleep terrible, I have bad dreams, I'm loopy, light headed, sometimes get hot flashes (I'll be 27years old in July - so no where menopause! haha), my skin is dried out, I break out, and obviously my face (glands) is swollen...and of course I'm not even closer to where I want my body to look like. I try and try to think about all that and remind myself....just like a day today I am. When you go see your boyfriend, you say you want energy, so you binge....how does that give you energy? Wouldn't take make you tired and preoccupied? or is your binge considered eating a meal or a certain number of calories? I can certainly understand about the need to feeling you need to get worse before you get better and also your feeling about not being 'bad enough' - I feel like I'm just being plain gross, and doing whats easy when having a craving and then just purging what ive done - instead of trying to overcome the craving - but I know there is something more that it all has to do with. It seems like its not fully satisfying not unless I purge afterwards. Whenever I B&P im very strict with myself and what I allow myself to eat, so I know I'm not truly satisfying the actually food craving, im satisfying the act of B&P and that's what I hate the most an is the hardest, it is truly like an addicted drug for me.
I hope your stress levels have calmed down this pass week and weekend and you're doing alright today as well. You're never a drowner (I saw you wrote that to Michael26) and I also definitely agree with Michael on the quote - AMAZING quote and that is true and I'll be writing it down as well :)
You are NOT a failure either - you are on this forum talking and still going to all you appts and talking about it. That IS something. So you ARE willing to get better and you know you need to - I can tell you're extremely strong and an amazing person with determination. You will get there. I know it may be hard to listen to a person that is still going through an ED (meaning me) but I know I've made a lot of progress over the pass 10 years of struggling through this.
I hope the rest of you are all doing well. Im always open to talking! :)
Usmcgordonce: I'm here to talk/listen if you'd like. I'm on the east coast (Florida).

Melanie

missy33
I am so sorry to hear about

Melanie,
I am so sorry to hear about your accomplishment turning into a B&P. you have been doing so well and trying to not B&P and sometimes relapses happen. Try not to beat yourself up, because you are still on the path towards recovery. And that is huge that you told your bf about your past. That is definitely a step in the right direction. Sometimes it is hard for people to know what to say or what to ask in fear of hurting us. but that is so great that you told him that you were once struggling. And with time maybe you will be able to get further support from him for right now with your struggles. I know that can defiantly be a scary thought though.
He feels my eating issues make me unique in some way and it is a way that he can help me. Yet he gets confused and we kind of got into an argument about it yesterday. He still supports me tremendously, but I can see it is starting to burden him a little. He gets confused when I say I am just going to get worse, to saying I need to get better. But it is a cycle and I can’t change those thoughts yet. But yes, he has helped me not binge. But he has also helped me binge. On days I restrict, and am with him, sometimes he just boosts my confidence about how I look, so I try to eat normal, but that triggers me to overeat. However, sometimes when I want to binge and am with him, he talks me down and helps me realize that I really don’t need it. And at least for that hour or that day I can refrain. But then again it is a cycle.
Ya, I definitely agree with you that trainers have a mentality to achieve any fitness goal. And what he told me I know isn’t healthy, so I am not going to get a personal trainer. I have become more obsessive with working out to burn cals and lose weight, but it isn’t severe. And I usually workout in the afternoon, but lately that has been good, because I don’t have time to binge because of my busy schedule, and sometimes working out does take my mind off binging. But only sometimes. And I always go out to get my binges, which is a struggle since I don’t have much money. That is another reason why I am trying to decrease binges. I will try to have more fiber and protein, but I just get really scared of the calories. I am so sorry about the symptoms from B&P. it sounds hard, but I know it is hard to just stop. And since I cant really purge successfully only attempt for like 5 minutes I usually have energy because I am putting calories in me that my body wants. Whether it is healthy or not it is fueling me in comparison to when I restrict. But lately I have refrained from bingeing, because I get so irritated that I cant purge it all up and when I try to purge I don’t like the feeling, because I do get that dizzy feeling sometimes if I try to purge too long. Some binges, yes I have less energy and just need to sleep because I feel so sick, but lately I guess it would be more of extreme overeating. I have spread my eating out during the day; still overeating, but I don’t feel sick until night comes well around dinner time.
And I definitely understand what you mean by an addiction. I think sometimes that I am just going to eat normal, and then my stress and anxiety shoots up and tells me that I cant do that. I am not worth it to eat normal, because normalcy isn’t in my life right now. That is great though that you realize you are satisfying the B&P. understanding what you are doing can be a huge step to try to curb your actions to try to just satisfy yourself rather than the B&P. I am so sorry though that you are feeling that you have to satisfy the B&P rather than yourself. I do think and know you will overcome this though!
My stress is still high, but getting a little better. And thanks for the words of encouragement and hope. That really means a lot to me, and I take everything you say to heart as I do see the progress you have made along with your determination and will to recover. So thank you for being so supportive. I hope you are having a good rest of your week. You deserve to find happiness again and be free from your ed. Talk to you soon! :)
-Missy

michael26
Fall Down 7, Stand Up 8

Hey Missy and Melanie,

Melanie, I am sorry that you had some sticky spots lately... Just try to remember, each time we fall doesn't mean it's a relapse. It's a point where an opportunity to grow exists. Each time an oak tree goes through a wind storm its roots go deeper! Strength is not the result of good things happening but rather how we pick ourselves up from the bad things.

Missy, how are you doing? Thanks for helping to support Melanie! Is there any way I can support you? I know what you mean by how confusing relationships can be with the ed. Have you guys ever considered couple therapy with an ed specialist?

Stay strong you two! I'm here for you!

missy33
Thanks so much Michael for

Thanks so much Michael for checking in. And things have been ok. I find myself restricting more and more, which is frustrating yet rewarding. I have decided to cancel my dietitian appointments and go to 2 sessions of counseling a week to get my mental state under control, because I just am not listening to my dietitian at all. I just cant do what she says yet. but I am hanging in there. thanks! and I don't think he'd want to do couples therapy. I am just trying not to bring it up to him as much but since everything is food oriented it is hard. he does support me though and I think he just feels a little lost and frustrated at times. I just wish I could support him and be there for him like he does for me.
how has your week been Michael?

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