National Eating Disorders Association

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haleyalong
Slide Back in Recovery

Hi, I have been struggling with a binge eating disorder and disordered eating for a few years now, but until this summer I hadn't really ever confronted it or wanted to get help. I have also recently uncovered that I have been struggling with PTSD from extreme medical traumas and extreme debilitating allergies for most of my life. I started depression medication this summer. I vacillate regularly between wanting desperately to get better and ten moments of "fuck it" where I feel so out of control and feel like this is who I am and who I am supposed to be and almost punish myself by continuing to remain in these depressive binge and purge episodes.

My parents discovered my eating disorder this summer and threatened to pull me from college and from my apartment I am living in this fall and spring. I convinced them to let me go on the condition that I would be honest with them and tell them when I was having slip ups. There conditions were i am under no circumstances to lie to them. If I am caught lying I will immediately be brought home and will not return to my college. If I am caught smoking or drinking (they bought drug tests) I will be brought home and will not return. If I gain weight (because that means I am bingeing then I will have the same consequences. THe first few weeks of school i was doing really well! I was losing weight and actually taking care of my body. I started dating a new guy, was spending time with friends, feeling kind of like my old happy self. And then I don't know why it started, but I started bingeing again, and because I didnt want to admit to my parents that I was slipping up but couldn't gain weight because they surprise visit me to do weight checks, I entered a binge and purge phase that I am currently residing in. I have gained a few pounds and have managed to hide it from my parents some how, but they are going to be visiting in the next week and i have to get ri of those a few pounds or they will pull me from my college. WHich I really dont want to happen. I am terrified. ANd I really do, I mean I really really do, want to get better.

I am so ashamed and guilty right now. My roommates (and my best friends) approached me last night and said that they've noticed little bits of their food missing and they know about me so they wanted to see if I was ok and what was going on and if I needed help But I'm terrified that they aren't going to want to really be my friends anymore and that they see me in a different light now. I know how irrational this is but I just feel so terrible about this right now. Also, my roommate doesn't know this but I stole 40$ from her wallet, to buy binge food. I'm so scared that she is going to find out and is going to hate me forever. I'm praying that she doesn't' notice. I'm just so ashamed that I felt that desperate to buy food that I stole money and food from my best friends and two people who love and care for me so deeply.I just feel so out of control and sick right now. How do I start to get better? HOw do I truly truly recover, not just be good for 3 weeks and then inevitably slide back like I always do?

Does anyone have any recommendations for tips on recovery and how to deal with my anxiety and guilt and self sabatoging behaivors? How do I stop the self hate? How can i handle my parents and friends and relationships while getting better?I need some steps and tools to enter a true recovery phase and actually start to love myself and my life again.

chunkymonkey68
Try Therapy and God???

Come to grips with your inner self and try to Regulate your behavior because you have an inner sense of yourself Not just because your PARENTS are judging you.

Is school that darn stressful. Perhaps you ought to just relax, and pull out and just take a long break and let yourself grow and be 1 with yourself and forget about College Life for now. It really doesnt seem to fit you.

Perhaps try working instead and earning your keep and seeing how hard it is to buy junk food on your own,, plus pay rent, bills, etc. You'll probably stop binging in RECORD Time.

Whats your college major anyhow, criminal justice, or psychology? People tend to major in areas they Relate quite well to.

My 90's grad school generation did, at least.....

Savedbygrace
Didn't find that response helpful.

Chunkeymonkey68,
I found your response to be like the ones you used to give, judgemental and toxic. Saying that you'll stop binging in record time by just not spending money on junk won't stop the behavior.
It also sounds condescending to say try therapy and GOD.
Yes, school can be that stressful. I can speak from personal experience that the way your parents respond or act Towards you can TREMENDOUSLY impact you and your ED and ED symptoms.
Please be more thoughtful and caring in your response responses, ESPECIALLY towards new people on this forum. It doesn't help anyone to get responses like this.
In case you didn't know, in an eating disorder, without help, you aren't ABLE to regulate yourself and your emotions. Please try to be more educated on binge eating disorder before telling someone what they should and shouldn't be doing.
Thank you.

chunkymonkey68
That's Your Personal Oppinion

Based on your past experiences. I spoke from my heart in a concerned fashion. I also am VERY familiar w/ the PRESSURES associated w/ college and ED's too.

You are judging me all over again and feel personally and almost ritually put down for responding like any other forum responded. When u see my alias on here perhaps you might want to skip, skip, skip over it and just go on to the next forum response.

I dont care to feel extra guarded in naturally responding and from my heart being honest and caring in How i choose to respond.

Savedbygrace
Maybe

It's something you do need to consider before responding. If it's something that would not help you or make you feel judged, it is probably better not to make someone else feel that way.

lovetowrite81
Haleyalong

Hi Haley-

Just wanted to welcome you to the forums & say that I am glad you are here. I am also sorry for the insensitive response that was posted earlier. Eating disorders are such a complex mental illness and cannot be solved by simply deciding to stop the behavior by mustering up enough will-power. I struggled for binge eating disorder for many years in college and know how difficult and life consuming it is. I can imagine it would be extra difficult to also be struggling with PTSD. I am so sorry you are going through this. There is such a loss of control surrounding binging. I remember clearly stealing my roommate's food in the middle of the night. I just want you to know that it is not your fault. I know that you feel covered in shame right now, but know that this is not you. It is the disease- which you did not choose. Would you be open to receiving some kind of help, perhaps through the counseling center at your school if services are offered there? As much as we would like to be able to conquer ED on our own, it is truly so important to have that professional help to be able to work through the underlying issues driving the behavior. Most of all I just want you to know that we are always here to listen. And that recovery is possible. It probably seems hopeless right now, but know that there is always hope. We're here for you. Keep us posted <3

Savedbygrace
I agree

With IWANTTOLIVE. So it is not just my opinion, chunkeymonkey68. Others think it is insensitive.

London1621
Send you hugs

Hi, sorry you are having a hard time. Sending you lots of Hugs to help you feel a little bit better.