NEDA TOOLKIT for Parents
Ways to start a discussion with a loved one who might
have an eating disorder
The following guidance presumes that the situation is serious, that it is not immediately life threatening, and that
it does not require emergency medical care or a call to 911.
Learn all you can about eating disorders
Then, prepare yourself to listen with compassion and
no judgment. Have a list handy of the resources to offer
if asked.
Remember that even though you are
informed about the eating disorder, only a
professional trained in diagnosing eating
disorders can make a diagnosis
Avoid using your knowledge to nag or scare the person.
The goal of a discussion should be to express your
concerns about what you’ve observed and persuade,
but not force, the person to accept help.
Plan a private, uninterrupted time and place
to start a discussion
Be calm, caring, and nonjudgmental. Directly express,
in a caring way, your observations and concerns about
the person’s behavior. Use a formula like “I am
concerned about you and what’s going on for you when
I see you [fill in the blank].” Cite specific days/times,
situations, and behaviors that have raised your concern.
Share your wonder about whether the behavior might
indicate an eating disorder that requires treatment.
Share what you’ve observed about the person’s mood,
depression, health, addiction recovery, or relationships.
Avoid words and body language that could imply
blame. Avoid discussing food and eating behavior,
which can lead to power struggles. Leave those issues
for the therapist to handle. Comments like “You’re
putting on weight” or “You look thinner,” may be
perceived as encouraging disordered eating.
Explain the reasons for your concerns, without
mentioning eating behavior
The person may den the situation because of
overwhelming feelings, such as shame and guilt. Avoid
expressing frustration with the person. Stay calm. Be
gently persistent as you go on expressing your
concerns. Ask, “Are you willing to consider the
possibility that something is wrong?” Be prepared with
resources to offer if the person seems to be listening—
or leave a list of resources behind for the person to
look at on his/her own. Expressing your concerns may
be awkward at first, but such efforts can provide the
bridge to help the person. Even if the person does not
acknowledge a problem during your discussion, you
have raised awareness that you are paying attention,
are concerned, and want to be a support.
Ask if he/she is willing to explore these
concerns with a healthcare professional who
understands eating disorders
Remember that only appropriately trained
professionals can offer appropriate options and guide
treatment. Your job is to express concern and offer
support. Ask if he/she will share the feelings that come
from the behavior you’ve observed. Does it provide a
sense of control, relief, satisfaction, or pleasure? Let
your loved one know there are other ways to feel
better that don’t take such a physical and emotional
toll. Remind your loved one that many people
have successfully recovered from an eating
disorder Offer to help find a treatment center and offer to go
along to a therapist or intake appointment. Offer
encouragement and support, but, understand that in
the long run, recovery is up to the person.
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