NEDA TOOLKIT for Parents
Encouraging Your Child to Seek Treatment
The following guidance presumes that the situation
is not immediately life-threatening. If you are unsure,
seek immediate emergency medical care or dial 911.
Eating disorders can be fraught with secrecy and
shame for sufferer and family alike. Many with eating
disorders will deny they have a problem. Sometimes
they are embarrassed and ashamed of their behaviors.
Other people are afraid that if they admit they have a
problem, they will have to stop their eating disorder
behaviors, which can be extremely frightening and
anxiety-provoking. Still other sufferers truly do not
believe they have a problem and can be extremely
reluctant to seek treatment.
Despite this, many sufferers later say that they
were ultimately glad when someone stepped in and
encouraged them to seek treatment. Often sufferers
desperately want to get well, even as they are
ambivalent about giving up eating disorder behaviors.
As a parent, it can be tempting to believe your child
when they insist that they are fine. But when it comes
to an eating disorder, your child may not always be
the best judge of their physical and mental state. By
insisting on a thorough evaluation by an eating disorder
expert, the worst thing that can happen is you find out
you made a big deal out of nothing.
Clear both of your schedules and set up a quiet
place to talk.
The goal of this discussion should be to express
your concerns to your loved one and to explain any
steps you might be taking (e.g. setting up a doctor’s
appointment or requesting they get evaluated for a
possible eating disorder). Don’t worry about convincing
them they have a problem. What you need to do as
a parent won’t necessarily depend on their ability to
believe there is something wrong.
Be calm, caring, and non-judgmental. Express your
observations with minimal emotion and use specifics.
Try using a formula like “I am concerned when I see
you running to the bathroom after dinner.” Share your
concerns about other changes you may have noticed,
such as an increase in depression, anxiety, or isolation.
Be prepared for denial and anger.
Many eating disorder sufferers feel threatened or
exposed when someone confronts them about their
behavior. Not infrequently, they react with denial and
anger. Don’t take this personally. It isn’t because you
didn’t do a good job talking to them, but because they
are likely very afraid and uncertain. Try to stay off of
their emotional wave as best you can. Your ability to
stay calm and tolerate their distress is one of the most
powerful tools you can muster against their eating
disorder. Don’t expect insight or buy-in.
Your child may be one of those with an eating disorder
who can recognize that something is wrong and
expresses a willingness to participate in treatment. If
so, great! If not, don’t worry. It’s normal for a young
person with an eating disorder to have limited insight
into the seriousness of their illness. It doesn’t mean
they won’t get better. Sometimes insight doesn’t
happen until long into recovery.
Stay focused on what you need to do.
One of the biggest gifts you can give your child is to stay
focused on their long-term needs and their health. Even
if they don’t think it’s necessary, insist on a medical
check-up and evaluation by an eating disorder expert.
Go to the appointment with your child if you can. If not,
make sure the physician knows ahead of time about
your concerns and potential tests to run. Also require
that your child sign all waivers and forms so that you
can speak directly to their medical providers. The age
at which this happens varies by state: in some places,
the age is 18, but it can be as young as 13.
Seek a second opinion.
Not all eating disorder treatment providers are created
equal. There are no rules as to who can call themselves
an expert at treating eating disorders. Talk to several
therapists and physicians until you find one you can feel
confident will treat your child well. Get several ideas
about treatment options and determine which one will
work best for your child and family.
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