NEDA TOOLKIT for Parents
How to Talk to a Loved One about an Eating Disorder
Friends and family are often key to encouraging someone with an eating disorder to seek help. Whether the
eating disorder sufferer is unaware that there is a problem, they are afraid or ashamed to seek help, or they are
ambivalent about giving up eating disorder behaviors, many sufferers find it difficult to seek help for their eating
disorder. Family and friends can play an important role in identifying worrying symptoms to the sufferer and
encouraging them to seek help.
Raising concerns about the presence of an eating disorder
It’s not always easy to discuss eating disorders, especially with someone you are close to. However, many
individuals now in recovery from an eating disorder say the support of family and friends was crucial to them
getting well.
• Set a private time and place to talk. No one
wants to have personal issues dissected in front
of a crowd, so make sure you find a time and
place where you will have time to discuss your
concerns without being rushed or in front of a
crowd. • Use “I” statements. Focus on behaviors that
you have personally observed, such as “I have
noticed that you aren’t eating dinner with
us anymore,” or “I am worried about how
frequently you are going to the gym.” It’s easy
to sound accusatory (“You’re not eating! You’re
exercising too much!”), which can cause a person
to feel defensive. Instead, stick to pointing out
what you’ve observed. If you can, also point
out behaviors not related to eating and weight,
which may be easier for the person to see and
accept. • Rehearse what you want to say. This may help
reduce your anxiety and clarify exactly what you
want to say. Other people have found writing out
their main points helpful.
• Stick to the facts. Raising concerns about a
potential eating disorder can bring up lots of
emotions, and it’s important not to let those
run the show. Instead, talk about behaviors and
changes you have observed and calmly point out
why you are concerned (“I have seen you run to
the bathroom after meals and that makes me
worried you might be making yourself throw up.”).
• Remove potential stigma. Remind your loved
one that there’s no shame in admitting you
struggle with an eating disorder or other mental
health problem. Lots of people will be diagnosed
with these issues during their lifetimes, and many
will recover.
• Avoid overly simplistic solutions. Being told
“Just stop” or “Just eat” isn’t helpful. It can leave
the sufferer feeling frustrated, defensive, and
misunderstood. • Encourage them to seek professional help.
Many eating disorder sufferers require profes
sional help in order to get better. Offer to help
the sufferer find a physician or therapist if they
don’t have one, or attend an appointment where
the eating disorder is discussed. Getting timely,
effective treatment dramatically increases a
person’s chances for recovery.
• Be prepared for negative reactions. Some
eating disorder sufferers are glad that someone
has noticed they are struggling. Others respond
differently. Some may become angry and hostile,
insisting that you are the one with the problem.
Others may brush off your concerns or minimize
potential dangers. Both of these responses are
normal. Reiterate your concerns, let them know
you care, and leave the conversation open.
Even if you don’t feel the discussion was well-received or that you got through to your loved one, don’t despair.
You shared your concern and let them know that you care and you are there for them. You may also have planted
a seed that they should seek help. The seed may not take root immediately, but over time, the concern of friends
and family can help move an individual towards recovery.
Note: If you suspect a medical or psychiatric emergency, such as threats of suicide or medical complications
from eating disorder behaviors (such as fainting, heart arrhythmias, or seizures), seek medical attention or call
911 immediately.
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