National Eating Disorders Association

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sick of the ups and downs

I'm so sick of my weight going up and down. I know it's because some days I restrict and other days I eat a little bit more. I know this is my eating disorder but I want my weight to go down. It's so hard to decide whether I will listen to the eating disorder and restrict or not and eat more. But every time I step on the scale and it is higher, I end up doing eating disorder behaviors. I'm having such a hard time with deciding if I want recovery or not. I guess I can say I want recovery without the weight gain.

I know you know this, but

I know you know this, but "recovery without the weight gain" is not possible. Gaining weight and returning to a normal BMI is half of what makes up recovery. The other half is mental. Once you gain enough weight to bring your body back to a healthy state, the mental part gets A LOT easier. One change that you can make today to get you headed in the right direction is GET RID OF YOUR SCALE. Do it. You and I both know that as long as you are looking at that number everyday, ED is still ruling your thoughts. Your weight naturally fluctuates, anyways, so weighing yourself day-to-day is basically a crapshoot of where that number falls. It depends on various things like water intake and others. It means nothing, in fact, that little number on the scale MEANS NOTHING. It does not define your worth as a person.

If you are so sick of this eating disorder you need to get rid of that scale and just focus on making yourself healthy physically and mentally. You have a long battle ahead of you, but you CAN do it. You just have to make those necessary changes, starting with getting rid of the scale. If you aren't seeing a doctor and therapist, start seeing one. Use the resources on this site to find someone near you who you can talk to and offer you help. You have to start taking initiative and eliminating things from your life that give ED control. Get some new hobbies and distractions that make you feel good about yourself other than your weight. Try crafting or artsy stuff, even reading. Learn something or accomplish something. Set a goal for yourself that isn't about weight.

The truth is that no one can force you into recovery, you have to take responsibility for yourself and WANT it more than you want ED. You clearly are sick of living this stressful life, so take that first step and get rid of your scale. You have to commit to this, otherwise it will never happen. Try writing out what you are feeling and why you are feeling it every time you want to engage in behaviors. Commit commit commit. You can do this!!

The reason why I want to

The reason why I want to still lose weight is because I'm already at a healthy weight. Its just how I got there is the problem. That's why I wanted to recover and not gain weight since I'm already at a normal "healthy" weight. I hope that makes sense.

Totally understood. Some

Totally understood. Some people, including myself, experience the worst of their eating disorder when they are at a healthy weight. This is when it becomes all about the mental part of recovery. I still highly suggest throwing out the scale, as focusing on your weight will only continue to hinder any progress you hope to make. Try to remember that your weight is only a number, and has no reflection on you as a person. I know this is hard to do, but you need to train your mind to see the good in yourself that has nothing to do with how you look. Write down some things you like about yourself. Actually, tell me some things that you like about yourself. What are your good qualities?? I'm sure you have lots of them. We have to train our minds to focus on the good about ourselves, not focus on what we don't like. Our weight doesn't define us.

We only have one life to live, and we can't waste it being unhappy and focusing on something so pointless as our weight. We should focus on being healthy and living a healthy and happy life. You just need to keep telling yourself that this is not worth it and you deserve to be happy and ED free.

some things I like about myself

I'm a good mom. My son is the joy of my life.
I like that I can sometimes be open minded.
I'm a very caring person.
That's about all I can think of.

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