National Eating Disorders Association

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angelakym
Shame and Despair with Binge Eating

I am a binge eater (sweet foods/desserts) and even though I am working towards recovery, attend weekly support group meeting and see a therapist every two weeks, I feel myself sinking further into a decline instead of going ahead. Currently I am fighting the shame and everyday is a living hell for me. I have "went back into isolation" in regard to not going to the weekly support group meetings for the past 2-3 weeks because I am too embarrassed by the way I feel like I look. I do not weigh, but I can feel the weight gain going by my clothes. I am a mild diabetic and I quit taking my blood sugar 4 months ago because the bingeing got so bad and I didn't want to see and be responsible for if the count was higher than normal for me. I quit keeping a food diary. I am at the point of thinking what is the use - I can't be helped and do I even want to be helped. We do not keep sweet things at home since it is a issue with me, so I find myself going out and making a special trip while my husband is at work to buy food, etc., you name it. I am on medication for depression, but with this eating disorder, I find myself (lately) even more depressed. I want to hide from the reality of life. I started binge eating around 12 years of age and I am now 58 years old. I hate it so much that I am afflicted.by this disease. I ask myself "why me?" I use to have better discipline and control with my bingeing, and am having a difficult time understanding why I can't have and/or find that discipline and control now. I am suppose to go to the group support meeting this evening, but I am not going to go. I see my therapist this Saturday and have not made any headway on the list of things that I can do to "get back with it" in regard to being on the path to some sense of recovery. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to "get back on the horse" so to speak since I have fallen off so much.

Savedbygrace
Sorry

I'm sorry you are struggling. If the support group isn't what you need, I'm sure there are others you can try. I can relate to it wanting others to not see your body.
Mentioning specific food groups and specific food is triggering to me and not allowed. The administrators will be commenting on this, so heads up.

_admin_moderator
Angelakym

Angelakym,

Welcome to the forum! Your post has been edited slightly to comply with community guidelines, which can be found here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/community-guidelines. Users are asked not to post about specific foods to keep the community safe for everyone. Please continue posting and seeking support with this in mind!

Catlady09
Angelakym

Angelakym,

Welcome to the forums!

Have you ever followed a meal plan before? Meal planning can be a very useful tool to help you get back on track. Is that something you could discuss with your therapist?

Your support group is there for just that - support! There is no need to feel embarrassed by a setback. Recovery is not an easy upward motion. Recovery is a lot of hard work and, unfortunately, part of that hard work is lapses. Sometimes those lapses can manifest like a pendulum, getting us into a different set of symptoms then we are used to. It's important to stay with the course of treatment to get past lapses and back onto the path up. Also learning how to use the setbacks to launch yourself forward.

Is there anything on the list you can start today? Every moment is a chance to take a small step towards "getting back on the horse". What are some small steps you can think of to help? Would it be helpful to be busy so you can't take special trips to the store? Are there any friends or family you can eat with the next couple of days, so you have support in real time if you need it? Can you try food journaling again? Just one small step. You only have to pick one step.

Also, I want to encourage you to talk to your doctor about your blood sugar. It is imperative to take care of your health while you recover. Recovery is not an easy process, and taking care of your health during is a big part of it.

Take care,
Catlady09

lovetowrite81
Angelakym

Hi Angelakym,

Welcome to the forums! We are so glad you are here. I struggled with binge eating disorder for quite a few years and know exactly how much shame & hopelessness is intertwined with this disease. It is such a vicious cycle. As much as we may make an attempt to plan meals, keep triggering food out of sight, or have people present, when we feel the urge to binge rise up- it feels inevitable. Like a wave is overtaking us and we're just watching ourselves, but have no control to stop it. I totally understand the difficulty of escaping binging in that moment. So for that reason I'm not going to give you any strategies for curbing the behavior- because in my experience, healing only comes from the inside out. So in my opinion the key is pressing into the support systems you have to help you discover the underlying roots of ED. Do you feel like your time with your therapist is fruitful? I also agree with a previous poster in that your feelings are completely valid about the support group, but those individuals do know what you are going through and want you to show up wherever you are at.

Above all, I just want you to know that this is not your fault. You did not choose to have an ED. It is not a lack of self-control or disease. You have an illness. Recovery takes a lot of heart work and energy. But it is possible & so worth it- and you are deserving of it. Even though it's been such a long time, and recovery comes with discovering a whole new way of being, coping, relating- you will get there. All I can say is continue to press into the support you have. Are you able to talk with your husband about what you're going through? Know that this community is always here for you. It is so therapeutic to just be seen and understood in what we're going through.

Please keep us posting on how you are doing <3

-Lovetowrite81

angelakym
Thank You For Help/Suggestions

Thanks to you who have replied to my initial post. I did see my therapist on Saturday and she is wanting me to get back in touch with the nutritionist that I had seen for 7 months or so. If the nutritionist that I saw (for diabetes counseling) is not able to help with food disorders, I will ask her to give me recommendations for one that does. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I am going to start back keeping a food diary, even though I do not want to see the sweet things I have binged on. But I do know from keeping a food diary in the past that it is very helpful and keeps you aware of what you are eating. Although my husband knows what I am going through, I don't think men are able to identify with how much one suffers from an ED (unless they have experienced it themselves). But he is very supportive of whatever I need to do to help myself. I will try to get back on track with taking my blood sugar. I am only a mild diabetic and I think because it is only "mild," I have told myself that it is not that important and my levels were always within the normal range. But that was before I started binging again.. I was afraid to see my levels because of the amount of sugar I was eating. Thank you (all three of you that replied) for your comments and/or suggestions. It helps more than you know that someone cares and understands. Every day is a new day and I hope that tomorrow will be "the day" that I will be able to take one step in the right direction.

lovetowrite81
Angelakym

Hi Angelakym,

I'm glad you were able to see your therapist & are looking into a nutritionist! That should be really helpful. If keeping a food diary has helped you in the past, then definitely go for it. Do you find that it might cause you to restrict in any way? I know it was that way for me, but recognize that what works for one individual is totally different for another. It is definitely hard for those without ED's to fully grasp it, male or female, but I am glad that your husband is doing his best to show his support.

Know that we are here for you and care about you <3 Please keep us posted on how you're doing!

-Lovetowrite81