National Eating Disorders Association

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hermione3
scared i am spiraling ....

I lost some more weight according to my nutritionist and she really said i can't lose more i am too low for her liking and yesterday i like had hours i don't know what i did and was like in a trance and just past exhausted and texted my therapist and she said it could be from not eating enough...and that scares me a little but part of me is in the spiral i want to lose more and i won't see my nutritionist for like 3 weeks so i feel like perfect i can just go down and no one will know which isn't true my therapist will notice but idk i am just scared that i don't care right now even though if i go this path i could lose everything including my therapist i love...what is wrong with me...

Savedbygrace
Welcome

Your Eating Disorder voice is really loud. Unfortunately, it is a mental illness. I am sorry you are struggling like you are. While I have not had the losing too much weight, I struggle BIG TIME with the Eating Disorder mentality.
Know you are always welcome here. A lot of people on here can relate. You are not alone!!!!!!
I will be praying for you.

hermione3
Thank you for your support my

Thank you for your support my ED voice is very loud and I am stuck in the mentality and just wanting to lose more and more I do see my nutritionist this week so I have to maintain and do supplements but I don't want to gain at all j want to stay the lower number I don't know what her scale says but I see mine and just want it to go down it's addictive...

Savedbygrace
I know how you feel

I don't own a scale, but the mentality for me of seeing how little I can eat and still function during the day with adding lots of exercise, well a lot for me, to make up for eating the day before. If I eat, and I know this is my ED talking, I feel like I'm not deserving of eating at all. I also feel like everyone but me deserves to eat.
I'm searching for an affordable therapist in my area. It sounds like you already have a good team of people helping you.

Shiyon
It will be fine

You have to balance your thoughts. You still suffer from anorexia and your thoughts can approve it. There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect and deserve a good life. Please don't let your eating disorder take it away. I can relate to that you're scared. All those fears aren't an illusion. Don't think of what you could lose, think of what you could win by starting a battle with that illness. Please think of your good future life without worrying about every calorie. You deserve health, love and happiness.

hermione3
Thank you for the

Thank you for the understanding and support. I don't feel I deserve to eat either and feel guilty when I do and I am eating just not as much as I should so I feel guilty still and the number is addictive I have to gain this week I just don't want to and am obsessed with the number going down I want it lower still it's so bad I am going this far down...

Savedbygrace
You're welcome

I'm sorry things are so bad. Have you considered inpatient or residential? I think it could really help. We care about you.

hermione3
I have been inpatient and

I have been inpatient and residential so many times it never helps I get worse. My therapist said if I go and lose everything I have chosen my disease and she won't do that and work with me anymore she is not leaving me now but if it gets to that point she won't I would be devastated but part of me has given up.

Shiyon
Why giving up then? Balance

Why giving up then? Balance your thoughts first. Just think about yourself for a moment. Every negative aspect is in your head. If everyone thought s/he's guilty there wouldn't be any people in this world. You're not guilty and never been. Numbers don't matter in life...

hermione3
Thank you for the support it

Thank you for the support it's not that easy to balance my thoughts if it was that easy I wouldn't be here . I am just struggling this time of year is a trauma trigger like until after December I always do this around this time of year like struggle with behaviors and I started purging again well not much but a few times...I am just tired of fighting

Savedbygrace
I hear you

ED are FAR from easy. I, too struggling. I agree that it's not just as easy as changing your thoughts. I've been struggling for 27 years. Just know you're not alone.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I agree with Savedbygrace in that it is so difficult. Recovering from ED is a lot more than just changing our thoughts with the snap of a finger. I'm sorry that this is a difficult time of year for you. How did your doctor's appointment go today? Hang in there <3 We're here for you.

kayleigh91
Keep on Keeping on

I can totally relate to this post. At one time, I thought it was my destiny to die from my eating disorder. I know thats very dark, but those were my thoughts. Part of getting away from feeling that was was to find a purpose. Find why I was on this earth and goals that I could work towards that made me feel like I was worth something. Try making a list of goals that you would like to accomplish and have those as a daily reminder of why you should keep fighting this battle.

hermione3
thank you for the support. i

thank you for the support. i don't know why i keep acting on behaviors its stupid i should stop but its like i can't stop...its a lot of trauma stuff right now so i am a mess and sometimes i want to die my therapist is aware of all this we talk about it and she knows this time of year i always slip and i did last year when stuff with my brother first started coming out after family drama...its been a rough year and i just let myself get here...i worry i am going to lose my therapist because i just can't seem to stop...

rach898
hermione3

Hi hermione3,
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling, but I am happy that you are in treatment. You have to remember that your therapist is there to support you--she wants you to get better and she does not want to leave you alone. She only wants to help you. I am worried about you though, and if at any time you are feeling suicidal, please do not hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255).
Please keep posting. You are not alone.

hermione3
Thank you for the support I

Thank you for the support I will keep that in mind I don't like phone calls do I look for places I can talk online...just struggling and had a useless doctors appointment today my regular doctor I feel dismisses my eating disorder she told me just to add a fiber pill because I am constipated then have diarrhea as I posted on the forum with my eating disorder history I feel it could be more then just fiber and according to my nutritionist my weight is too low but my doctor says nothing so I feel I must be fine...I was going to call a GI I have one but now I don't know if it is a problem...and she never orders blood work I had anemia last time and she hasn't checked out so I feel I am not on deaths door so who cares...

hermione3
Thank you for the support I

Thank you for the support I will keep that in mind I don't like phone calls do I look for places I can talk online...just struggling and had a useless doctors appointment today my regular doctor I feel dismisses my eating disorder she told me just to add a fiber pill because I am constipated then have diarrhea as I posted on the forum with my eating disorder history I feel it could be more then just fiber and according to my nutritionist my weight is too low but my doctor says nothing so I feel I must be fine...I was going to call a GI I have one but now I don't know if it is a problem...and she never orders blood work I had anemia last time and she hasn't checked out so I feel I am not on deaths door so who cares...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hi Hermione-
Just wanted to check in & say I've been thinking of you. How has your weekend been? I'm sorry about your appointment w/ your doctor. It is upsetting to me that there seemed to be a lack of awareness about the whole picture and that ED was not addressed at all. I would trust your nutritionist with knowing what a healthy weight is for you, as she seems to have more of an understanding of your situation & what you are going through- as well as ED's in general. Your doctor does not appear to be super well-versed in knowing how to handle/treat ED's. From the appointment, it would be easy to take away that everything is fine/it is not that bad, but from what you have expressed, you are still deeply struggling with ED- which is not your fault but must be acknowledged in order for you to get the help you deserve. <3 We're here for you & do care. Hang in there my friend.

hermione3
Thanks for the support. I am

Thanks for the support. I am struggling bad with behaviors right now I started purging again it's been years since I have done it regularly and I feel horrible physically and emotionally... I need to stop I am in such a spiral and in a deep hole ... I have to get out and I feel so dismissed and I am now looking for a new doctor. I may also still call my GI over stomach issues I don't know it all feels pointless I should just give up but I don't want to go inpatient but I think I am headed the wrong way to keep that from happening....

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I'm sorry that you feel trapped in a dark hole. What do you think it will take to start moving out of the hole? I know it feels hopeless- but I want you to know that it isn't. Don't give up <3 Recovery is worth fighting for and you deserve it. I know you are resistant to inpatient but it really seems like it may be a brave step forward for your recovery.

hermione3
thanks for the support. i

thanks for the support. i just saw my psychiatrist who does not feel i look good and does not feel this will end well...she is not forcing me inpatient and my therapist isn't either but she says she fears i will just pass out and end up in the hospital and then it will be out of their hands and my hands.my psychiatrist did give me the name for a doctor who works with eating disorder patients she costs more then i should pay but this is my life....i can't go inpatient my therapist won't see me when i come out i think i have talked about that before its complicated but am not doing well and am what my psychiatrist said is surviving she also mentioned ECT again idk we will see....i made an appointment with the doctor my psychiatrist gave me the name to just to get checked out...my regular doctor now does nothing for me so this will hopefully be something at least get checked out medically...