National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
A sadness that remains

Hello to my forum friends, Thank you for your support and I am blessed to be able to offer encouragement to you.

I have grown up in a home of five girls, all very close in age. I was rejected from around age five to the present. My one sister tried to end my life. The one I am living with now, we are not exactly getting along. But this is how it's been since childhood. Excluded. Walking behind them as they paired up. Now my niece is having a wedding. Family, will be there. We have to sleep at a hotel. I am nervous to see my one sister, as she doesn't believe in eating disorders. Even though she is a nurse. My sister's aren't even aware of how well I am doing. They just don't care. So, I was supposed to be rooming with my sister that lives with me and a friend who we call family so she is daughter number six and sister number four. She was planning on rooming with me and my sister but my sister wants to room with my oldest sister. I told my therapist I would rather have a room to myself than to room with sisters who don't want me and who do not accept me. They tolerate me at best. So I am sad. Sad that we are not an intact family where we love each other and support one another. Wonder why I developed anorexia. I was trying to disappear as they wanted me to. Anyway, the wedding is next month away. End of September. It is just so sad that I am alone in the family, the weird one, who has firm morals that they say is ridiculous. I am a prude to them. Enough of that.
I just don't even want to go to the wedding. But I will go to support my niece.
A sadness just shrouds me. Not all the time. Most of the time I just accept it. But I know my two sisters talk about me. And it isn't nice. SO. I will go to the wedding, enjoy myself as best as I can and then go home the following day. Sorry for the rant.
I am recovering from the low blood pressure and am looking forward to being cleared to go back to work on Wednesday, is when my doctor will release me. But without a car I have to depend on my parent's to drive me to my cases. At least I will be working again.

I wish you all a good night. And as I sometimes add, say one nice thing about yourself to yourself about something you did, or didn't do, or about a character trait. Be gentle with yourselves and have a good night's sleep

mameegan
we are with you

your sadness is understandable and your strength is clear. continue to be resolute in who you are. you are deeply accepted and greatly appreciated here. your self care game is strong, being able to sit w difficult feelings, verbalize them and even share them with us. a suggestion, can you bring a phone with you and check in here with us throughout the weekend? i too have a family that i like to say we put the fun in dysfunctional - not really, but hey, i need to lighten my mood sometimes. wishing peace tonight and strength in the coming month. big hugs and high fives to you.

iwanttolive
mameegan

Hi and thank you for your encouraging words. My one sister decided to change plans and she will stay at the hotel with my sister from California. I really don't want to room with them anyway. My sister/friend will share a room but is disappointed that my sister won't be there. I will be able to use my phone to check in. God is with me and I will rejoice with my niece as she gets married. This is so good for her.

I am seeing the end of the tunnel. That is good. Have a good day and thanks again.